to not want dp shouting at the washing?

[minipeeps]

I do the cleaning and hoovering around the house, dp is supposed to do the washing but he hasn't for nearly 3 weeks solid so I had to do it today and got really cross with him. I think I do most of the housework and he's just lazy but he got shouty and said I was really untidy and disgusting instead, leaving food around, even though he does it too and it's me that'll have to clear up, and that it's not his fault he can't bear to use the hoover and mop, it's the way he was born. And he said because he has to be out more I should do most of it, and his friends agree. Surely he should be doing more or aibu?

hahahhahaha

'The way he was born'

That is hilarious.

And his little friends agree that you are the meanest mummy ever that he is right that the mark of a real man is making a woman do the housework..

You are dealing with a lazy, disrespectful, immature man.

Wash only your clothes from now on, and cook only for you and DS. Clean upafter yourself and the DS but not him. Make your side of the bed -- you get the message. It will involve work for you but stick to it.

Lovely ideas mathanxiety but how do you make one side of the bed?

I have just read this to DH. He is taking notes

OP, your DH is being ridiculous. He wants his mummy to do his washing for him? He was born to hate the mop and hoover?

Maybe he doesn't realise that it is a very rare person who thinks, "Oh goody, it's mopping day today! Oh and look, there's a bit of encrusted food, just the chance I need to get my scrubbing brush out!" The vast majority of people do not like cleaning but either get on it or employee a cleaner because otherwise they will end up living in a hovel. Getting on with unpleasant tasks is part of being an adult.

at Celestial!

You had to buy him a multi pack of pants? HAD TO?

Just don't. And don't argue about it. Just look after you and your son. And smile and nod at his stupidity. Let him take his stuff to his mummy's. Why is it shaming you? It shaming him ffs.

He's an adult responsible for himself. It is that simple. You had an agreement that seemed to work and now all of a sudden it doesn't work because he has had OCD since birth? Lame lame lame. Tell him you have an acute bullshit allergy and hand him dustpan and brush, take your son out and enjoy yourself.

Please tell me you have finally got the wine stain off the wall Sharon / Mario / FrankieAnne OP?

You fluff up your pillow and pull up the duvet until it lies just about diagonally across the bed. Sends a message. (Is not actually making up your own side of the bed, just a token gesture, a symbolic act if you will)

This is a man who was born not knowing how to wipe his ass either, but presumably he doesn't want the OP to perform this function for her.
Tell me he doesn't....

There is no 'had to' here OP. You didn't have to buy him more pants. He is a grown up and can shift for himself or get his mummy to do for him, more fool her, buy himself more pants if he is too lazy to wash what he has, or get mummy to. He is not your responsibility to train or to take care of. You are not his mother.

mathanxiety

If this was facebook I would have clicked like.

"it's not his fault he can't bear to use the hoover and mop, it's the way he was born."
Bollocks. Utter bollocks.

"And he said because he has to be out more I should do most of it, and his friends agree."
His friends agree? So he's been boo-hoo'ing to his besties and they all nodded their heads did the? Dear god this manchild is beyond pathetic. He would certainly be "out more" if I had my way, out the door and all the way to his sainted mother's with all his unwashed worldly goods in a couple of black binbags.

And the wasp. Don't forget the wasp

I t-rexed over homogenised vs non-homogenised full fat milk today. It was in Waitrose not Asdal though, I caught myself in the reflection of the labels

whothe - well, at least it shows willing.

I was born to have servants. I hate housework, I do as little as possible. It fucking makes me rage.

And he's got some sort of ocd so can't use anything dirty

This sounds like a particularly convenient version of OCD. He can't use anything dirty (despite being responsible for making it so) yet you are the only person able to do the work to keep the house up to the standards he has set.

He's taking the piss, OP. Mightily.

PS. I do like the idea of shouting at the washing though. Provided it didn't turn nasty and fling a few sweary comments back of course.

He has OCD.

Very sad to see people either making a joke out of that or ignoring the fact.

People with OCD often have particular fears and habits with cleaning. Some people with OCD will clean some things habitually (for example, their hands) but then will have a massive phobia about other things (like the hoover) that by virtue of their function are associated with contamination.

The best you can do is to manage household chores in a way that minimises his anxiety. What can he do? And what can't he do? Maybe you could do all the washing and he could do the cooking duties and other things that don't provoke anxiety in him?

Ultimately, if you want to be with his man forever, you are going to have to accept that he's unlikely to change much and you have to work around it.

OCD doesn't make you have to be out more, in god knows what unsalubrious places, with your mates though...

It also doesn't help his case for OCD that he claims he is stuck for time when things have to be done:
'he went into a big grump because he said he couldn't be expected to get it all sorted, he doesn't have enough time because he'd been out all day and has to go out early tomorrow.'
Nor does it help that he pleads ignorance:
'or he can't work out how to cook something so I have to do half of it.'

'he said at least [his mummy] can do [the laundry] while working full time.'
This is closer to the mark than ocd, imo.
It sounds to me like a man who thinks laundry is women's work and him doing it would involve loss of status.
Not only is it women's work, it is something so simple and easy that a woman can do it easily on top of her paid employment. There is an implicit criticism there of someone who works part time and refuses to take on 100% of the housework and there is also the delusion that whatever he does (but most of all who he is) makes him entitled to be above the housework..

He also has a huge boundary issue if he thinks his mother should be washing his wife's and his underwear and all their other clothes. And his mother has boundary issues too if she agreed to do this.
Sounds to me as if he has 'mother' and maturity issues. Especially since he goes out and complains about the OP to his stupid friends.

And he has done the washing until three weeks ago. Plus lived on his own and managed..

What reason do you have to doubt he has OCD, given that the OP says this is the case?

Of course you can take the militant feminist approach and see this as an issue of misogyny... or you could see it for what it is.

People who are mentally ill will always try to rationalise their anxieties in a way that makes their position seem strongly. Of course he'll say he's busy, that he works more than the OP does so she should have a greater share of the work, that he doesn't know how to operate the washing machine, or whatever... but you have to look at the motive behind that and it's more likely OCD than it is 'boundary issues' (given that the OP says he has OCD).

There are ways to work around it. He can be taught how to cook, or a little patience will allow him to learn; i wonder to what extend the OP 'takes over' the cooking because she doesn't want to eat something ghastly instead of letting her DP learn. There's other stuff he can do too.

As for his mother doing the washing, if he has OCD then it would be quite reasonable for him to feel safer and secure having someone he trusts to 'do a good job' to do his cleaning. It's not mother issues or maturity issues, it's just that he'll do anything to get out of doing it himself.

Nor is him having lived on his own relevant either. The sorts of anxieties that people with OCD have changes in type and severity depending on their situation... what he could do last year has no bearing on what he can do now.

It's sad that mental illness is so misunderstood on this forum and even more sad is the negative attitude towards people who are mentally ill.

position seem strongER ^

The OP says her H says it is the case. There has been no mention of any accurate diagnosis and no mention of any problems for the DH in the living of his life because of ocd. He has managed to get out of taking care of himself and others since three weeks ago. That hardly indicates lifelong ocd.

I think he has decided that since his mother is willing to be a doormat everyone else should be too.

"What reason do you have to doubt he has OCD, given that the OP says this is the case?" ... "given that the OP says he has OCD"

I'm not sure the OP is actually saying he has OCD, I think she's saying that he says he has OCD.

OP said - "And he's got some sort of ocd so can't use anything dirty but he lived on his own for a bit and managed. " (my bolding) - strikes me as OP being sceptical of the 'some sort' of OCD. She then says "He says he was born with ocd so can't help it, I think his mum gave it to him." again, this struck me as 'he says x, I say his mum raised him to never lift a finger'.

I would expect that laziness and a sense of entitlement are both considerably more common than OCD, and more likely given the details supplied.

If, for a moment, I seriously considered that the OP's Dp had OCD then I should be sympathetic. I'm neither ignorant of nor intolerant towards anyone with mental health issues.

However, I'm afraid that, from the evidence presented, he appears much more likely to be suffering from a serious case of laziness and entitlement.

I think it's much more likely that he suffers from apron-string-itis than OCD. Having actual OCD is one thing, blaming not wanting to do fuck all on OCD is not on, not at all.

OP - I couldn't live with him. However, if you still want to, I would get a cleaner. End of. You wont change him.

I think you should bag up his (three weeks worth!!) washing neatly and let him take it to his mum's to wash.
Then while he's out change the locks and book yourself a holiday to the Carribean.
Congenitally unable to use a vacuum cleaner? I've never heard such claptrap in all my life.

OP, have you asked him how come he sees housework as being so easy that you should be able to effortlessly do it all YET he finds it all so difficult and overwhelming? He's saying that he is incapable of doing something simple... Ask him what this says about himself!

Also ask him if he hates it so much does he think you love it? And if you both hate it, why does he think it's okay for you to have to do it but not him? He'll have to confront his own laziness and sexism some time!

He is just bullshitting to get out of doing things he doesn't want to do because he is a Big Strong Important Man and his mummy has told him his whole life that her ickle pweshush is too good for that sort of thing. You are a mere woman, totally beneath him and you should be grateful to wash his fudgy pants and cheer on his pathetic microwave meals!

If you're working and he's just swanning about setting up a business then he should be doing more, even you are only p-t. I bet if and when he is working again, as the breadwinner he'll not expect to lift a finger. Well, you're currently the breadwinner, are you not? So...

He is taking the almighty piss. Can't bear anything dirty but will wear a 2 day old t shirt? Yuck.

I think I would be telling him that if he wants to be treated like a prince and have everything done for him, he can bloody well pay for a cleaner. If he wants you to do it, he can pay you. Can't see how this would work from a relationship point of view, but he is being an utter tossbag.