re SAHD and the praise he gets?

[AbyCat]

DP is the SAHP in our relationship, and is doing a bloody fantastic job in bringing up DS (I'm the first to say that). He's not so good on the general household stuff (I still have to come home from work & do the washing & cleaning etc) but he's learning, and that doesn't really matter as much as looking after DS.

What is starting to get right on my nerves is all the praise he's getting from friends & family. "Oh, Mr.Cat is so good with DS, my DH never does anything, you don't know you're born Aby" is the most frequent. I think after it was said the 10th time this weekend, I really started to get pissed off. If things were reversed, and I was the SAHM, no one would say to DH, "Oh Aby is so good to look after DS, aren't you lucky Mr. Cat?" When we're out & about at the weekend, we both look after DS, but he is the one who gets all the comments - why on earth do they feel the need to do this after all this time (DS is 14 months)? SAHMs don't get this constant praise, do they? (Perhaps they bloody should though). And his ego is becoming monstrous now which is a whole different issue!

I even get calls & emails at work to say that they've seen DH & DS around town having fun together, and isn't that nice, isn't he good to take DS out for lunch? No one would bloody dream of disturbing a bloke at work to say they've seen his wife & child shopping or having lunch would they??

AIBU to get just a little pissed off over this, or am I just a jealous old mare?

It would do my head in too but you can't take the whole of society to one side and "have a word". Perhaps a stock response? Something like, "I hope you shower just as much praise on stay at home mums?"

You are and are not being unreasonable.

I do think it's ridiculous that people seem to fall over themselves to gush about SAHDs, as though they were a rare and beautiful butterfly.

BUT

If you have apoke around the relationships thread you will see that there a lot of families out there where the bloke thinks going to work is the only contribution he needs to make, and leaves everything else up to wifey.

It's a common theme, and people are really only remarking on it because it's so refreshing to see the other side of the coin.

In fact, when you think about it, although it apparently minimises the hard work and dedication of all those SAHMs out there....it's actually more indicative of how people view men.

It'd piss me off AbyCat !

I have been a SAHM and no one bloody congratulated me! And I do all the housework.

Would like to stay at home? Or work part time?

Leave him a list of jobs he needs to do whilst you are at work

SAHDs have other issues to contend with, such as usually being the only bloke at toddler groups or children's activities, having fewer parental contacts for support (certainly ones of the same gender). There is also prejudice from older blokes and single blokes who don't realise how much work goes into bringing up a child. I know a SAHD who said what he did to an old chap and was told "surely that's not all you do?". There should be more praise for SAHMs, not less for SAHDs. Society still expects women to bring up children, so the SAHD stands out a bit - so they get praise from some quarters and surprise from others.

I see all of it being a bit irrelevant - don't base your happiness on the prejudices of society in general, there are more important things to worry about. What is important is that you support DP and give him encouragement for what he is doing. In a work context you have management, annual reviews, feedback, etc. so you know where you are doing things well and where you need to put in a bit more work, but as a SAHP you are left to your own resources and it can be a thankless task. And I'm sure that DP is very appreciative that you are the breadwinner which gives him the opportunity to spend time with DS - something SAHDs can be more conscious of than SAHMs.

The SAHD I know takes breakfast in bed upto his DP at weekends so DP can have a rest after a busy working week. The mums who know him said "I wish my husband would do that for me". He then pointed out that the same thing in their homes would be the mums taking breakfast up to the working dads and giving them a lie in. The mums weren't so keen then!

My friend works and her husband stays at home to look after the children, she keeps getting people saying to her "doesn't it piss you off that you're working and he is sitting at home on his arse"
In fact he does loads of stuff!

Gallifrey - a typical attitude on SAHPs, that they're not really working and it's an easy life. Usually from people who don't have kids! But I bet they don't say it to men whose other halves are at home looking after the children. The societal assumption is that men work and women look after children (even if the women also work). Anything not fitting that assumption either brings condemnation or praise. Anything fitting the assumption is ignored because it's "normal".

My view is ignore societal assumptions and live your own life.

I'm a SAHM and it would piss me off it the roles were reversed and everyone praised DH for raising the DCs. I hardly ever get praise and even more annoying was this weekend FIL told DH how he was doing a wonderful job raising the 4DCs whilst I am at home all day not contributing (as they are now at school) all because DH was playing with them at the weekend having missed them all week whilst at work

Chill out

There are way less SAHD's than SAHM's...therefore it's only natural people will comment as it's rather unusual to them.

Exactly how long does it take someone to 'learn to wash and clean'?

Unless you're unreasonably fussy, stop doing it and let him get on with it midweek.

Yanbu. I know a sahd who constantly refers to "daddy daycare".

yanbu but it's the way things are unfortunately I may well get shot for saying this but...

I think if a dad just does what he's supposed to be doing people think that he is AMAZING. Look at the difference in how single mums and single dad are portayed. We get told all the time we should be grateful if dads help out.

Either suck it up or put them straight.

yanbu
can you both work p/t and share both roles?

tell them it's his child and ask them exactly what is surprising about his behaviour?
Bluddy women

I think your own feelings on the matter are colouring your judgement somewhat. Do you feel a bit jealous that he's at home while you're at work? Really you should feel rather smug that people are acknowledging what a great partner you have. I know it's a terrible double standard and it is annoying but it's meant kindly. I know one SAHD who's had terrible flack and that's worse really. He had mums at toddler group giving him job ads for weeks before he convinced them that he wasn't actually looking for a job, and people have implied to his wife that he must be giving their daughter substandard care as he's a man (despite not actually knowing him). That's a terrible position to be in and very disheartening for both of them.

I've had praise from a few people for looking after my DS - mainly from friends and my PILs but I don't really need it as I'm doing what I want to do.

YANBU - dh is a sahd and we have to laugh at how he gets treated as some sort of rare creature otherwise it would drive me loopy!

Its my 1st day back from maternity leave today so could be slightly clouding my judgement but i think most parents would rather spend time with their children and it just narks that when men do it, it's seen as something special!

It is a hard hard job though and i try not to forget it - especially when i have a nice hot and dh hasn't stopped since i left the house!

Yeah, funny how nobody tells my DH how lucky he is to have somebody looking after HIS OK, our children while he's goes out to work . Good advice unthread asking if they're so complimentary to SAHMs. Or just smile and say "We make a good team, don't we?".

From his POV though, he may get a few negative comments over the years, so perhaps it's nice for him to hear a few flattering ones.

I have a fairly similar issue. DH doesn't work outside the home and is at home mostly with the kids, who are now at school. I get mothers coming up to me saying how well he did in managing our children at sports day and other activities when I'm not there- anyone would think they were wild animals rather than slightly boisterous primary school kids. I've taken to saying "why are you impressed that he can look after his kids? - You all manage to do it without a song and dance!" One actually came up to me a few days later and said she'd been thinking about what I said, and would raise her expectations for her own DH.

Oh I know exactly what you mean. When exh was off he'd do all sorts with the three children. Women always talked to him and told him how wonderful he was. When he was away for six months at a time and I just fit on with it nobody batted an eyelid (not that I expected it).

Please will someone email my DH and tell him what a marvellous mum I am?

No, thought not.

YANBU.

Good for you both though, to arrange your family responsibilities this way - if more people did the same, it would help to irradicate such double standards.

Phew, not just me then

I'm not jealous at all - in fact, I think that staying at home all day with a grumbly, teething toddler is far harder than going out to work, so I'm dead impressed with him for doing it. Though he does have a lot more patience than I do, so he's probably the best person for the job in our family! As Skillbo says, its more that he's treated as some kind of rare creature by friends & family which drives me nuts.

The cleaning/washing comment was a bit tongue in cheek. He says he doesn't have time doesn't want to do the cleaning, and until we had DS he still had vague ideas that there was a magical fairy who loaded & unloaded the washing machine, & dishwasher etc.

WickteyPitch - superdad really does sound like he deserves that name!

Rosieres - thanks for your point re other issues that SAHDs have to face. DH says he hasn't made any friends as the local mums shun him somewhat, and he's very shy so doesn't know what to say to them to start up a conversation, plus he's afraid of being thought of as odd by them. It's a bit sad really, as DS is missing out on toddler groups as a result, as he won't take him to anything new now.

aby i remember when dd1 was younger and at playgroup 17 years ago and a dad was a sahp before the term was used , and I was at the clucking about some of the playgroup mums did . with comments as 'isnt he lovely' or 'my dh cant even change a nappy' did my head in. The dad loved the attention

Aby - society really has not moved on very much although as a SAHD/WAHD I can promise you no one has ever 'gushed' at or about MY childcare skills to DW.

People are like this with my DH - he's not even a SAHP (I am!) just takes them out a fair bit at the weekend and on his time off.

He's lovely, and I'm grateful but he's not a bloody saint!

"he came to the school carnival on friday wearing his 12mo twin daughters.. one on his back and one on his front.. his 2yo son on a lead reign and his other two kids holding his hands."

Holy shit! He is Super Dad.

It astounds me that people still think like we live int he 50s do they still expect fathers slippers to be warm and the children to be presented to him all clean and fluffly for a good night kiss or pat on the head ,
My husband is a parent too he does things with HIS children , he isnt a superdad or a saint or even under the thumb ( I have heard dads being called henpecked for doing stuff with their kids )