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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think presents are presents and not some kind of loan!

47 replies

ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:16

Just had a falling out with inlaws. Apparently they monitor our eBay account Hmm, and noticed the dts are selling their Innotabs.

They were bought at some point last year. I did say at the time (before they gave them to the dts) I thought the dts would find them a bit basic. I was right, and they barely got touched. Yesterday, we were doing a bit of eBaying, and the boys wanted to sell their innotabs, and their bikes, so they could buy bigger bikes. So we listed them, went to argos and bought them bigger bikes.

The inlaws saw the innotabs on eBay and hit the roof. They seem (imho) to have a very odd view of presents. BIL gave DT2 his old Nintendo DS after dt2's broke, but when DT2 asked them if he could sell it to put towards his nintendo ds XL fund, they wouldn't let him, and insisted on it being returned. We felt really bad for him, we ended up giving him the difference between what he had saved and what he needed.

After talking last night, they said they will never buy them presents again and have promptly listed the Silverstone cap for sale, that they bought dt1 at the grand prix last weekend.

To top it all off, I know they had already sold £200 worth of scalextric that they bought the boys Xmas 2010, and the boys never saw that money neither. They bought the scalextric but said they wanted to keep it at their house (fair enough) for something to play with there. I only noticed, because the boys really wanted the track extensions that they had bought, to play with at home, for their set they have here. So I was thinking of getting some, went on amazon to see how much I could buy them for, and saw my BIL had listed the whole lot! Angry

I can understand them maybe feeling a bit disappointed, but AIBU to think that presents are presents, to be done with as the recipient wishes, not on a kind of loan until no longer wanted! Whatever we give the boys, if they outgrow it, or don't like it after all, if they sell it, it is THEIR money. The funny thing was that they were actually going to buy bikes originally, but didn't because they thought i was getting them!

OP posts:
EndoplasmicReticulum · 16/07/2012 09:19

Set up a new ebay account and don't let them know the username.

I agree, presents are presents. How long are you supposed to keep things for? For ever? We have sold things that the boys have grown out of.

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:21

I am going to change my eBay username, or set up a new one. Didn't reall;y want to set up a new one, because would have zero feedback, but they are so flipping nosy!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 09:23

YANBU. If they were passing down family heirlooms that had some sort of sentimental value, then I could understand it, or if you were selling the stuff for your own gain, but if it is items that are of no sentimental value and the kids themselves are able to use the money for their own purchases, then I cant see what is wrong in that.

I would be very pissed off at them for monitoring the ebay account too. You need to get a new one ASAP.

squeakytoy · 16/07/2012 09:24

If you just change your name, they will still be able to watch you I think. As it will still show if they have got you marked as a "favourite" seller.

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:25

feck. New account it is then!

OP posts:
CrazyChicken · 16/07/2012 09:25

Don't bother changing it because they will know that one. Just create a new ID.

mercibucket · 16/07/2012 09:25

Oooh lots here
First off, the moral message of 'if you snoop on each other's ebay accounts, prepeare to be upset'
They obviously feel very hurt but are over-reacting. That said, I wouldn't let mine sell presents from other people. They can give them away though. And the case of your bil is different if it was not a birthday or xmas present, but the passing on of something he could have sold himself. In this case, it would be politer to ask if he wanted it returning, not just let your kids flog it and pocket the cash.
Hmmmm so you are both a bit unreasonable. Obv v different attitudes to presents in your families. Hope it hasn't triggered an online ebay war

mercibucket · 16/07/2012 09:25

Oooh lots here
First off, the moral message of 'if you snoop on each other's ebay accounts, prepeare to be upset'
They obviously feel very hurt but are over-reacting. That said, I wouldn't let mine sell presents from other people. They can give them away though. And the case of your bil is different if it was not a birthday or xmas present, but the passing on of something he could have sold himself. In this case, it would be politer to ask if he wanted it returning, not just let your kids flog it and pocket the cash.
Hmmmm so you are both a bit unreasonable. Obv v different attitudes to presents in your families. Hope it hasn't triggered an online ebay war

mercibucket · 16/07/2012 09:30

Oops sorry - just re-read and you did indeed do the polite thing and ask bil. Apologies. It was a bit knobby of him to refuse but quite common reaction ime. In that situation not everyone sees it as a permanent gift - just check out the baby clothes threads to see that emotions can run high! My mum still brings up the skating boots she 'gave' her sister that she sold - and that's, ooooh, fifty years later!

mercibucket · 16/07/2012 09:30

Oops sorry - just re-read and you did indeed do the polite thing and ask bil. Apologies. It was a bit knobby of him to refuse but quite common reaction ime. In that situation not everyone sees it as a permanent gift - just check out the baby clothes threads to see that emotions can run high! My mum still brings up the skating boots she 'gave' her sister that she sold - and that's, ooooh, fifty years later!

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:30

we did ask if he could sell the ds first, and he said no, so it was returned.

I felt it was a bit mean, dt2 was only 5 or 6 at the time, he'd had the ds for a couple of years, it pretty much was HIS, and he only wanted to sell it so he could upgrade to a bigger one.

But I did accept that dt2 didn't have the right to sell it, though I personally wouldn't lend something to a small child for years and then ask for it back!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:31

xposted! :)

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Dropdeadfred · 16/07/2012 09:35

Ask the pil where the car stuff is that the boys had at their house

albertswearengen · 16/07/2012 09:36

The presents have nothing more to do with your parents when they hand them over to the recipient. Obviously it is not good form to sell them straight away but if your kids have had them for a while (at least a year I think) and don't use them then selling them and putting the money towards something else is fine. Maybe you should've told your parents beforehand but then they shouldn't have been snooping on your ebay account.
I get the impression that my MIL thinks things she gives us or ds still belong to her. She did try to tell me that SIL didn't need to buy a highchair and a cot as she'd bought DS that so I was to hand it over pronto. I ignored although I did hand over the highchair eventually.

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 16/07/2012 09:37

Put the inlaws on ebay :)

I find their behaviour kind of controlling, once you give a gift it belongs to the person you gave it to and is there's to do what they want with IMO. Would they rather it sat in a corner unused?

Maybe you should come to an agreement that either they don't buy gifts in future or they ask what the children would like. I'm not sure you can stop them looking at your eBay account without setting up a new one but I do find it a odd them spying on you like that

NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown · 16/07/2012 09:38

*theirs! Doh

LustingAfterMarkDarcy · 16/07/2012 09:41

My Gps are like this with presents, they have given ds a bike that was my cousins, after me saying he already has 3 bikes but wont allow it to be got rid of it so want me to take it back to their house ( i have no car so would have to push bike to theirs), my cousin also left a wooden train track for ds but they wouldnt let us bring it home incase it got wrecked or pieces went missing so he can only play with there. They are the same about presents brought and hit the roof when ds told them he got a 3ds for christmas as they assumed all his old ds games for various birthdays would be no good, they didnt realised you can still play them on it. Hard as it may be and a shame i try not to tell them hardly anything anymore as they find a reason to complain. I use cryptic names on anythng on the internet and wouldnt let them within a mile of my ebay account! unfortunatly thats just the way its got to be for me to have an easy life!. Change your account, and dont mention any future ebaying ect. hope your ds gets enough to fund the new items what a clever little lad to sell old things to make way for new you should be very proud :)

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 16/07/2012 09:41

That is very odd! A similar thing has happened to me - a friend was going to sell me her buggy which she no longer needed, then decided to give it to me instead. This was about a year ago. She recently texted me asking if it would be rude of her to ask for it back seeing that she was ebaying things.

Very odd. Particularly seeing that her money worries are slightly different from mine (we cannot afford to go camping but she cannot go on a round the world trip because it would be too difficult with two children: her admission, not my judgement).

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:42

they have informed me, they are never buying presents for them again, in any case! TBH I'd rather they didn't with this kind of hassle.

They are a bit odd, very secretive about what they are buying, and usually we don't even get told, unless they think we might get the same thing. And tbh half of it does end up unused, or they take it home and it 'disappears'.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:44

I'm glad I'm not the only one with this hassle, though I do feel for all those in the same boat!

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LRDtheFeministDragon · 16/07/2012 09:50

That is peculiar! Is it possible they assumed all 'gifts' would be returned to pass on to younger grandchildren?

My dad would have very much the same attitude that he'd be hurt and upset a 'good' present hadn't lasted longer than a year (and it would drive me nuts cos he's the type to believe everything should cost tuppence and last 30 years, etc. etc.). It sounds as if you and your children prefer to keep upgrading onto the next gadget which is a much more modern habit.

Dropdeadfred · 16/07/2012 09:52

Ask them outright what gaooened to tg e boys' car stuff that they got .for Christmas 2010. Then when they tell you they sold it you will have the upper hand

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 10:00

They would lie til they are blue in the face, they'd say it broke, or got lost, or anything. Doesn't matter how far fetched the lie is, they will stick doggedly to it. We've pretty much given up confronting them on issues now.

There are no other grandchildren, and unlikely to be for the foreseeable future.

Mm, we do tend to upgrade frequently, which isn't necessarily even a good trait, I will admit, but I just do think it is their choice. DT2 saved for 6 months to buy his DS XL, while his twin was mostly spending his own money, and I was very proud of him, and so it was a bit of a knockback when he worked out and though he had finally got there, but then had to give the old ds back.

Their bikes really did need upgrading too, far too small!

OP posts:
DamselInDisgrace · 16/07/2012 10:03

If they've already given DT1 the hat from the grand prix, then they might find it difficult to sell it. They've listed something that isn't actually theirs to sell.

sashh · 16/07/2012 10:03

My mum does this. It's a gift, you cannot sell it or give it away. Even if it is crap. Even if you have three of them. Even if it is totaly unsuitable. Examples being clothes that don't fit or a CD of a band you don't like.

Personally if I give a gift I hope the person likes it, and they can do what ever they want with it.

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