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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think presents are presents and not some kind of loan!

47 replies

ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 09:16

Just had a falling out with inlaws. Apparently they monitor our eBay account Hmm, and noticed the dts are selling their Innotabs.

They were bought at some point last year. I did say at the time (before they gave them to the dts) I thought the dts would find them a bit basic. I was right, and they barely got touched. Yesterday, we were doing a bit of eBaying, and the boys wanted to sell their innotabs, and their bikes, so they could buy bigger bikes. So we listed them, went to argos and bought them bigger bikes.

The inlaws saw the innotabs on eBay and hit the roof. They seem (imho) to have a very odd view of presents. BIL gave DT2 his old Nintendo DS after dt2's broke, but when DT2 asked them if he could sell it to put towards his nintendo ds XL fund, they wouldn't let him, and insisted on it being returned. We felt really bad for him, we ended up giving him the difference between what he had saved and what he needed.

After talking last night, they said they will never buy them presents again and have promptly listed the Silverstone cap for sale, that they bought dt1 at the grand prix last weekend.

To top it all off, I know they had already sold £200 worth of scalextric that they bought the boys Xmas 2010, and the boys never saw that money neither. They bought the scalextric but said they wanted to keep it at their house (fair enough) for something to play with there. I only noticed, because the boys really wanted the track extensions that they had bought, to play with at home, for their set they have here. So I was thinking of getting some, went on amazon to see how much I could buy them for, and saw my BIL had listed the whole lot! Angry

I can understand them maybe feeling a bit disappointed, but AIBU to think that presents are presents, to be done with as the recipient wishes, not on a kind of loan until no longer wanted! Whatever we give the boys, if they outgrow it, or don't like it after all, if they sell it, it is THEIR money. The funny thing was that they were actually going to buy bikes originally, but didn't because they thought i was getting them!

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 16/07/2012 10:10

YANBU.

MY MIL got arsey that my SIL was selling stuff on ebay that the kids had grown out of. My SIL is skint and lives in the smallest house ever. MIL buys big gifts like bikes and ride ons and expects SIL to what? keep them forever?

IMO it's common sense to sell on what you don't use to buy new. It's good for the environment and economical too.

IMO once you hand a gift over you have no further rights over it (unless an heirloom).

Xayide · 16/07/2012 10:13

I think it's a fantastic idea to get the DC use to getting rid of old and making some money from it and putting that towards the new.

I tend to be the one getting rid of outgrown items. I find it annoying when my Dad asks about long ago bought items that they have out grown and I have sometimes got rid of - he usually happy with its about somewhere. I can't image he go round checking what I did with stuff.

I do find that my ILs and DDad do have trouble with how fast the DC grow up despite seeing them regularly as did my own grandparents. My DM doesn't.

Could you get annoyed back with your them - say its interfering in a parenting decision?

Other wise try and make them stick to the idea of not buying - money or vouchers would be a better bet as I can't believe they'd want them back if though suggesting that could be very problematic.

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 10:13

damsel, he brought it round for dt1 when he brought dt2 home one day after an outing, but dt1 wasn't home. So I said to him, did he want to keep it until he next saw dt1 - so he could have the pleasure of actually giving it to him, iykwim? So he took it home, but now decided to sell it, which I feel is downright spiteful really.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 16/07/2012 10:15

Your in laws are very petty.

Just carry on with what you are doing, you aren't doing anything wrong. If they want to act like spoilt children there's not much you can do except let them get on with it and ignore.

Xayide · 16/07/2012 10:16

That because it is downright spiteful - it's upsetting the DC to pass judgment on how you manage your family and your things.

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 10:16

It wasn't even really a parenting decision tbh, it was what the dts decided they wanted to do, copying us really! Sad

We tried explaining that to them. I do wonder if they think we are going to be like them, and just keep the money - they know we had an unexpected bill this month, hence us eBaying! But we have already BOUGHT the bikes, we lent the dts the money once they listed their stuff. One innotab has already gone and cash been received. If there is any money leftover, the dts will get it for their piggy banks.

OP posts:
DamselInDisgrace · 16/07/2012 10:17

It is downright spiteful.

Are you sure that it wouldn't be best to quietly distance yourself from your in-laws in general? I would if this is indicative of their broader behaviour.

Xayide · 16/07/2012 10:18

I was also going to suggest seeing less of ILs if possible - I can't image it's good for the DC to have to deal with this behavior.

HipHopOpotomus · 16/07/2012 10:22

sorry who is DT?

YANBU and they are bloody bonkers & controlling.

Re the racing set they keep at theirs and are selling - beggars belief. I wouldn't want any more presents from them! Your poor DC - how confusing for them to have GP like this!

Xayide · 16/07/2012 10:23

ChopstheDuck - you could just try saying that the DC decided to sell and they are getting the money - just in case its a misunderstanding.

It still doesn't justify their spiteful reaction or snooping on you.

helenthemadex · 16/07/2012 10:25

they sound mean and spiteful to me

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 10:27

dt - dear twin.

We have already been distancing a bit, they are pretty hard work in general, but will be even more so now. I do feel really sad about it all though, especially because dh gran lives with them, has nothing to do with any of this and absolutely dotes on the boys. And the dts dote on them.

I know though, as soon as they get near the dts they will be going on about it and making them feel bad. They will likely tell them too, that there will be no more presents. Chances are, we wont hear anything at all for a couple of weeks while they sulk.

BIL was supposed to be looking after them for us on wed, I've made alternate arrangements now!

OP posts:
Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 10:28

we did say they wanted to sell, cos they wanted the bikes, it should have been clear. I do wonder though, cos they lie and do things like that (sell stuff, keep money), they expect that others might too.

I'm taking the boys to the park later, I will take some pics of them on their new bikes, and upload to fb - it will be clear then that they have actually bought the bikes.

OP posts:
DeWe · 16/07/2012 10:32

I find monitoring the ebay account strange.

I don't know what innotabs are, but assuming they're reasonably expensive (on the basis of selling them) I can understand them being hurt, but I don't think that gives them any right.

However I think your bil is in the right on the DS. He may well have been going to sell it, but saw the need so passed it on for free. If your dc were passing it on for free then fair enough though.
Your bil may have been hoping to get (around) £40 for the DS. He kindly gave it to your dc as he needed one. Then your dc sells it and gets £40. So Your dc both had the DS to play on, and gets the £40 your bil was hoping to get for it.

Are you also monitoring their ebay acount to see what they're selling-the silverstone cap etc?

BarbarianMum · 16/07/2012 10:34

Presents are presents but I admit if I saw something I'd given someone on Ebay/in a charity shop not long after giving it, I'd be hurt (watching someone else's Ebay account is a bit odd tho). If the present was expensive (sorry no idea what an innotab is) then I'd be cross too.

So now your dt have learnt an important lesson in discretion - when you get rid of stuff you don't want shortly after getting it never let the giver find out. I'm sorry its come to this but surely you can explain to them that what they did (unknowingly) has hurt and upset their grandparents. Never too young to learn to consider other people's feelings.

Not that the way your IL are handling it reflects v. well on them as they are, after all, grown up.

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 16/07/2012 10:41

I'm not so sure about this, I don't think they are U in feeling put out that their gifts are unwanted and given how quickly they were sold it does look a bit bad

Chattymummyhere · 16/07/2012 11:15

YABNU.. they are being weird to be honest. My 3 year old has an Innotab and to be honest with you his bored and lost interest in it all ready, apart from the camera on it.. Yes its not cheap but its not that expensive £75. Children grow out of things and as parents they should understand that.

Chattymummyhere · 16/07/2012 11:15

That was meant to be YANBU

holyfishnets · 16/07/2012 11:39

Yes put them up for sale!

keely027 · 16/07/2012 11:42

I am fed up with people dumping their old baby junk on me and then saying...can you hang ontoitfor me in case I have another kid and want it back...so in other words I am big yellow storage..

Original poster
ChopstheDuck · 16/07/2012 11:54

lol @ keeley!

Yeah, they were £75 new, though I think he got them discounted, and the dts have already made £40 on one, so did pretty well really, and not really lost that much on them.

I would understand them being a bit disappointed, like I said, and I would have apologised for that, but there wasn't a lot of point in the tabs sitting on the side useless, and I did feel their reaction was way over the top, and rather childish.

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 16/07/2012 11:55

YANBU can't believe people could be so petty, particularly towards children and even more so when those children are their own grandchildren.

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