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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why

34 replies

Pickles77 · 16/07/2012 09:16

Why people have children and then say how much hard work/torture it is?
I'm pregnant and this is terrifying me. Now I'm not scared Of hard work but the horror stories about sleep deprivation, tantrums, interfering people and many others is seriously terrifying me and got me wondering what I'm doing!

HELP

OP posts:
Foshizzle · 16/07/2012 09:21

Because it can be hard work, and the sleep deprivation can feel like torture. Not everyone feels that way, but a lot of people do. But like everything, the prospect of it - without context and in isolation - is often worse than being in the middle of it, when you just get on and deal with it, because at that point you're talking about a little person who depends upon you entirely and might even on occasion reward you with a gummy smile (or projectile poo...).

valiumredhead · 16/07/2012 09:24

Because it IS hard work and it CAN be torture, it can also be fantastic and the best thing ever. Usually in equal measures Wink

MissKeithLemon · 16/07/2012 09:25

The bad times make the good times seem even better Pickles!

Nothing beats the love between a parent and child in my opinion and I say that as a lone parent who has two demanding, annoying & occaisionally downright difficult dc's Grin

Pickles77 · 16/07/2012 09:26

I really hope so...
I'm awful if I don't get 8 hours- eeek I think that's going to be changing Grin

OP posts:
tiddleypompom · 16/07/2012 09:27

Because it helps to share when you're feeling vulnerable, bewildered & exhausted - all very real & valid feelings that most many women experience post-birth. Don't let it frighten you - bring a parent is immensely rewarding & for me anyway, the best thing I have ever done. The difficult times exist but they all pass and get replaced with something new.

It's as well to be prepared for a rollercoaster & it will be important to know others feel the same when you are struggling - but equally try not to dwell on the horror stories...

MrsMangoBiscuit · 16/07/2012 09:28

When I was pregnant, I asked my friend with a little one how you deal with the tiredness? She said, you just do. I thought she must just be better than me at functioning when exhausted. She was right though, you do just deal with. I found that the bad days are painful and exhasting, but the good days are amazing, and more than make up for it. Plus, there's always mumsnet. :)

AMumInScotland · 16/07/2012 09:29

The thing is, people will tell you about the extremes - the days when they were barely functioning due to sleep deprivation, and the days when they unexpectedly felt great. The "just getting on with things" days don't usually get mentioned.

I'm sure you'll be fine when you get to it - people have been managing to cope with small children for millions of years, and somehow we keep on doing ok at it.

pictish · 16/07/2012 09:29

OP - people open their mouths and let their bellies rumble.

I was the same as you when pg with my 1st thinking it was going to be horrific with lack of sleep, screaming, no money and my life effectively over.

Turns out that it's not nearly so bad (at least, it wasn't for me) - the sheer pleasure of your gorgeous baby cancels out a lot of the negative effects immediately, and without knowing how it happened your priorities change and everything makes a lot more sense.

It is hard work....but if it weren't so very very satisfying, no-one would do it would they?

MrsHelsBels74 · 16/07/2012 09:30

Because it IS hard! It is amazing though, nothing else is as rewarding. You can have days where you're tired, pulling your hair out & then suddenly your child gives you a cheeky grin/kiss/cuddle & you forget all the bad times.

I wish I could link the thread here but can't on my phone, but have a look at the one I started called 'my son is so gorgeous he makes me cry' & you'll see lots of positives Smile

It's perfectly normal to think 'what the hell am I doing' I don't think many first time mums don't think this at least once. But you do cope. You'll be fine x

tiddleypompom · 16/07/2012 09:31

You also have to be wary of competitive awfulness. Lots of that going on round here :o

LimeLeafLizard · 16/07/2012 09:32

People moan about whatever they do, though. Some people have genuinely difficult things to manage, but most of us just like to have a whinge and get things off our chest!

Ignore the doom-sayers. You might even find that thanks to their moaning you are pleasantly surprised by how easy it is, iyswim? Like when you're going to the cinema and someone tells you the film is shit, then you're pleasantly surprised when it is OK after all! Smile

Pickles77 · 16/07/2012 09:33

Thanks Smile
tidley competitive awfulness I love that Wink

OP posts:
pictish · 16/07/2012 09:36

Yes yes...competitive awfulness. People sure as hell love a bit of that. Horrific birth stories, tales of not sleeping for three years straight etc etc...people do love to turn themselves into a tragic figure in the retelling don't they?

Pay no heed OP - everyone's experiences are different, and if you ask me, a positive attitude carries you through most of the crap anyway.

NotGeoffVader · 16/07/2012 09:36

Really, what everyone else has said. There are bad days, but the good days more than make up for them. With a newborn, it is reasonably easy to catch up on some of your missed sleep, as they are asleep a lot of the time, so nap when they do. It's when they get older that the chaos starts - by which time you have got used to their routines and can work around it! :)

I had no experience of children before DD was born - although I do have nieces and nephews I'd not done any long-term babysitting. Nappy changing took about 2 days to catch onto.

Without sounding all 'earth mother' I'd say have a go at breastfeeding, I found it helped bonding, and it was a hell of a lot easier than making up formula when overtired/addled with hormones.
The smiles and cuddles you get from your child are worth more than gold or diamonds.

Housemum · 16/07/2012 09:40

Because if they say it's wonderful and fulfilling everyone resents them! Seriously it's like any other relationship - how often do we moan about men/partners even when it's the love of our life? Easier to moan than say how happy you are, there's a solidarity in getting through tough times together

DeSelby · 16/07/2012 09:53

While I was pregnant quite a few of my friends told me that they had felt very ill prepared and uninformed about the reality of life with a baby, and so told me exactly how they'd found it. As a result I had very low expectations about quality of life with a baby. As it happens I had a lovely time, I had a smiley, happy, easy going baby and to my surprise I took to it like a duck to water. That's not to say there werent sleepless nights and panicky moments with a crying baby, but it wasn't as awful for me as I'd been expecting!

DS1 is now a challenging toddler and DS2, while wonderful, is not as easy and settled a baby so we do have our difficult days but every day isnt like that and as others have said the good outweigh the bad! And I think people tend to focus on the bad stuff too as to focus on all the good stuff can seem a bit smug!

So don't worry you'll be fine, enjoy your pregnancy!

WingDefence · 16/07/2012 09:53

I was also scared about these things when I was pg with DS (now 3.5), but he turned out to be a fantastic sleeper from about 11 weeks. I have never been able to function on less than 8 hours straight but actually, in the early days (and it does feel neverending at the time), you just have to catch up on sleep whenever your baby does.

Please don't worry - it'll be fine. Just be prepared a bit for your life to turn upside down, for the better :)

WingDefence · 16/07/2012 09:55

(Oh and I mixfed in those early days - formula and BF. Definitely helped with the sleeping in the nights.)

springydaffs · 16/07/2012 09:55

when my were new born and for quite a long time afterwards I slept when they slept.

HTH

Pickles77 · 16/07/2012 09:57

I suppose it can't be too bad- people have more than one Grin

OP posts:
valiumredhead · 16/07/2012 09:59

Some people do Wink

You'll be fine OP and your little one will be the bets thing on this earth, honestly x

motherofallhangovers · 16/07/2012 10:40

It is at times harder work than I'd ever imagined. It's the lack of time to myself that I hadn't appreciated. If you want to read any books or watch any films, do it now!

Interfering people are really annoying, and sleep deprivation is real.

However it is absolutely worth it. I wouldn't go back to life without DS for anything.

Having a baby is a new beginning. Life starts again. It gives even mundane things significance (you're not just going to the park - you're going to the park with your baby, for the first time. It's meaningful - or that's how it felt at the time anyway!).

There are practical things you can do to help make things easier. (Slings are amazing inventions for example!). I'd say the most important thing it to ask for help if it is tough. I was lucky in that I had a really easy baby - I hope you will too. A friend of mine had a colicky baby - he cried all the time. She really needed a rest, but felt like she couldn't ask! She thought it was her job to deal with him, even though she was struggling whereas as a friend I would have gladly come round and given her a break if she'd only said, as would our other friends. We talked about it much later, now her DS is a wonderfully happy little boy. None of her friends knew how tough it was back then because she didn't tell us. And because it isn't so hard for everyone. My baby was a happy wee soul and I found that first bit quite easy.

It's down to luck. If you're baby's easy, enjoy! If your baby is hard work for some reason, ask for help, and remember the mumsnet mantra "this too shall pass"!

The other thing that really helps is having more than one adult around. So if your DP can get a bit of extra time off work, get him to take it! DP was home a lot at first and it really helped. Or, if you have helpful friends, do invite them round to give you a hand. They can play with your baby for 10 minutes while you do that really important thing you've been trying to do all week.

Finally, a piece of advice from a friend really helped: she said "if you manage to achieve one thing a day you're doing really well". Babies take up a lot of time, and working out how to do simple stuff with a new baby throws up all sorts of logistics. Popping to the shop for some milk, for example. Do you need a carseat / nappy bag / sling? You've just dressed the baby, ready to go then they puke all over themselves and you too! start again. But now they're hungry. etc.

Or having a shower. What do you actually do with the baby while you shower?! (Once they're a bit older, the answer for me was in the bathroom with me, on one of those bouncy baby chair things.)

The best thing is to take it easy, and try not to do too much at first, just take small steps! Appreciate that you're going on a learning curve, and that you'll get the hang of it.

A bit of a ramble, but I hope it helps!

It is absolutely, unquestionably worth it, I promise :)

MrsHelsBels74 · 16/07/2012 10:44

Yes they do, I'm 7 months pregnant with number 2 & have to admit to a few 'what am I doing?' moments...too late now though Grin

HecateHarshPants · 16/07/2012 10:46

Well, it can be challenging and it changes your whole life.

Doesn't mean it's not worth it though. It is. And it's a lot of fun too.

Pickles77 · 16/07/2012 11:46

Well thank you for everyones advice, i well signed up to the club now so will have to wait and see...
hopefully i can come on here in 6 months time and post similar nice happy positive stuff like you proffesionals (grin)

OP posts:
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