to be baffled by DH's school run issues

[toysoldiers]

Bit of a rant.

DH has a real issue with doing the school run, which drives me insane.

But I'd background. He works full time, I work freelance, part time which I try to fit in around the DC as much as possible.

Sometimes though, I have to travel for the day etc and need him to sort the kids out. It is always a MASSIVE issue. He always tries to find reasons why he can't, it's unreasonable etc.

On Mondays, he works from home. However, he says he has important reports etc so cannot ever do school run, despite being able to be back at his desk by 9am.

Tomorrow, I have to leave house at 7:30. He can't do school run so a friend says she would have children from 7:15.

DH has now said he will take them to hers at 8 but is ranting and raving about how unfair I'm being on the children (for wanting to get them up half an hour early) or him for, as a result, forcing him to take them.

The only other day I could have done would have meant missing DS2's sports day and meeting DS1's new teacher. He says this would have been better and my priorities are all wrong.

I actually can't discuss it with him because he is being so irrational.

He's perfectly happy for me to pay for our holiday though [anger].

Rant over.

I totally sympathise. Dh and I had a horrible argument this am when I reminded him it was sports day this afternoon. We both work from home so should both be able to attend. He started harrumphing about how he had deadlines, I didn't understand etc etc. Odd since I have much more pressing deadlines and it is much harder for me THIS WEEK to take the time off.

Anyway, luckily sports day was cancelled

I did point out to dh that if he supported me financially, I could cut down on work and he could avoid all school events as it would be my "job" to attend but he's not having that, in fact, is always putting unsubtle pressure on me to earn more.

My conclusions are

Weather is making everyone grumpy and unreasonable

Many men - including your dh and mine - want it both ways, ie contributing wife with no acknowledgement of the work involved in organising children.

Feminism has a long way to go.

Luckily sports day has now been cancelled so at least that argument is on the back burner

He may pay lipservice to your job being equally important to the needs of the family. His actions tell differently. I still think he is pulling rank. It appears that he is quite happy to share the benefits of you working, but not any of the disadvantages. Unfortunately, planning and timing freelance work can be one of those disadvantages (as well as an advantage). It's the other side of the coin.

You probably need to sit down with him and discuss how he sees your job and his job in order to be able to rectify his perception. He may not be aware of it at all.

What is it about the school run that bothers him so much? That people will see him taking his children to school? That it is mothers who should take their children to school? [baffled]

Until you know why he has a problem with the school run, you aren't going to get anywhere. There is clearly some thought process going on here that he's not sharing with you.

If I do the school run then...

I don't want to do the school run because...

What is the reason? The actual reason. Because there is one. Even if it's a totally irrational one. Once you know what it is, you can deal with it.

It can't be the playground thing. ALL his friends do the school run, most of them even when they are working. There is always a big group of Dads on the playground.

The issue seems to be when something is expected or required of him. He has a knee jerk reaction which is no.

So I am expecting him to inconvenience himself. Also, I think it's a little to do with changes in routine.

He picks up once a week on a Monday but, as I said, that was a struggle.

I had a Placement at the time which I arranged so that I dropped kids at school, drove 40 mins to work, left at 5:15 to pick them up from CM, all whilst he was working from home. He complained that I was always stressed and grotty with DCs. I explained it was because my day WAS stressful compared to his and he needed to share burden by picking kids up.

He now does this every week regardless

I admit it doesn't make him Husband of the Year but just highlighting that it's the changes to norm that he seems to react against.

I'm afraid I have a bit of a short temper, and although my DH absolutely pulls his weight where the children are concerned, if he didn't, I would simply be telling him to stop being a twat, that logically this is the best way to do it and he should suck it up and do it.

If he wants to be absolved of all drop off and picking up duties, he needs a job that keeps him out of the house 8am-6pm, and in that case he can pick up the financial slack as well.

ScrambledSmegs has a good idea there.

Is there any way you could arrange a weekly diary meeting, so this becomes part of your routine and you both have as much forewarning as possible of the week's plans?

It's hard to comment without knowing more about both your jobs but does he not understand how clients can feel they own you and expect you to jump to their demands? Is it possible that he actually has more flexibility about arranging some meetings within his job than you do?

Toysoldiers, he is seriously up himself.

This has got to stop because what you are dealing with now is emotional abuse.

I think you need to go to couple counselling and I think he needs to see a
psychiatrist.

In the meantime what you need as a working couple is a huge family-size calendar where all deadlines for the month will be entered in one colour and all child stuff entered in another, with personal things like haircuts entered too. That way, each of you can keep track of what is going on in each other's lives at a glance.

You also need some way of measuring the sort of output that each deadline requires, so you will have to share this information at a weekend meeting where you show each other the scope of the projects you have on your plates and give a reasonable estimate of the amount of time it will take to complete them. This information can be noted and time slots allocated in which each of you will be expected to complete the work for each deadline. It may well be that he will spring last minute deadlines on you as a way of weasling out of this accountability to you and insistence that you work as a team.

I like the idea of going 50:50 on each expense too so that he doesn't have any excuse for feeling that he is indispensable and you and the children are his dependents.

x post with lottie there

You are enabling him to have this earning power.

Op if you had not had DC then you could earn more as you would be able to do alot more freelancing. Child care should come down to 2 of you.