Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to be baffled by DH's school run issues

60 replies

toysoldiers · 15/07/2012 22:10

Bit of a rant.

DH has a real issue with doing the school run, which drives me insane.

But I'd background. He works full time, I work freelance, part time which I try to fit in around the DC as much as possible.

Sometimes though, I have to travel for the day etc and need him to sort the kids out. It is always a MASSIVE issue. He always tries to find reasons why he can't, it's unreasonable etc.

On Mondays, he works from home. However, he says he has important reports etc so cannot ever do school run, despite being able to be back at his desk by 9am.

Tomorrow, I have to leave house at 7:30. He can't do school run so a friend says she would have children from 7:15.

DH has now said he will take them to hers at 8 but is ranting and raving about how unfair I'm being on the children (for wanting to get them up half an hour early) or him for, as a result, forcing him to take them.

The only other day I could have done would have meant missing DS2's sports day and meeting DS1's new teacher. He says this would have been better and my priorities are all wrong.

I actually can't discuss it with him because he is being so irrational.

He's perfectly happy for me to pay for our holiday though [anger].

Rant over.

OP posts:

pictish · 15/07/2012 22:51

Yanbu - he is. What a self serving tossbag he's being about this.

NoComet · 15/07/2012 22:54

You tell him he's doing the school run tomorrow. Get up at 7 and go to meeting.
If he rants let him. He'll get over it.

If can still, honestly remember to moan by the time you get home then you need serious words.

My DH moans, sometimes about looking after his own DDs, I find it best not to listen. He's perfectly capable of doing it.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 15/07/2012 23:09

Wow - there's a bloke that needs a good wake up call. What part of 'their father' does he not get? What part of 'I'm working tomorrow' does he not get? You are going to have to find a way to get through to him and quick before his attitude kills your marriage.

sashh · 16/07/2012 02:17

Why are you organising a friend to have them? Just go, if he does the school run so be it. If he doesn't then he has them in the house all day.

Sunnydelight · 16/07/2012 04:49

There's no way I would ask friends for help with the school run just to facilitate my DH being an arsehole. As someone else has said get up, tell him "you need to take the kids to school this morning" and leave. There is obviously some sense in his mind that he has the option to say no, remove that option!

NorksAreMessy · 16/07/2012 05:38

Is he actually SCARED of doing the school run?mfrightned of talking to the other parents etc?

Or is he just an arse?

hmc · 16/07/2012 06:10

This makes no sense. Why does he object - what is his rationale when you press him on it?

FastidiaBlueberry · 16/07/2012 06:36

He doesn't think it's his job.

Ir's your's because you're their mother.

Probably his colleagues done't have to do it because their wives do it

And he absolutely resents that he is missing out on a privilege that he feels is rightfully his

If you say that to himi, he will fiercely deny it and scoff at such an idea because he probably doesn't even realise he feels like this

Good luck with waking him up

mathanxiety · 16/07/2012 06:55

You need to tell your friends that they are not to help him out under any circumstances. They need to promise this solemnly. And you need to promise yourself that you will never again ask friends to do this for you.

You are allowing him to treat you very badly when you make alternative arrangements or work around his unreasonableness.

Then you need to sit him down and tell him in your best breezy yet firm tone of voice that you are confident he can handle this because he is a big boy, a parent no less, because that is what grown ups do. Then leave the room, tell him the matter is no longer up for discussion of any kind.

I agree this is about male privilege. He has notions about himself. He thinks his work is more important than yours and he thinks child related work is beneath him.

If he doesn't sort it out then you need to go to couples counselling and he needs to go to individual counselling (he will not be happy to hear this but I would insist if I were you).

Yeahthatsnotgonnahappen · 16/07/2012 07:03

Oh I would just be leaving and telling him that the school run is his. I certainly wouldn't be enabling him to be a tosser by arranging alternatives.

But you must be a saint. Because there's no way I wouldn't have told him to fuck off by now.

catsmother · 16/07/2012 07:53

I also wonder if he's jealous - and feels threatened by - of the fact you earn almost as much as he does in half the time ? It's all very well him benefitting from this but once in a while when the demands of your job means he has to do the school run (at no inconvenience to his own job) he probably feels his face is being "rubbed in it" and his masculinity feels threatened at having to do women's work. It's different (in his eyes) when he chooses to do it because then he's being doting daddy and/or doing you a "favour" as opposed to being "forced" as one of the side effects of a job which "undermines" him. Just a theory, but if true, it makes him an arrogant knob.

kim147 · 16/07/2012 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zookeeper · 16/07/2012 08:13

He must be jealous. Or a complete Nob.

Chandon · 16/07/2012 08:14

he is trying to sabotage you, and it is working.

it sucks big time, have a serious chat about what really bothers him.

echt · 16/07/2012 08:15

Hmmm...I have things I have to have done before I go in to teach - mark work, for instance, and if this means getting up at 5.00.a.m. to do it, I do it, and don't wriggle out of my household duties citing work.

He should stay up late and do the work, to get up early and do it.

echt · 16/07/2012 08:16

That should be or get up early.

Original poster

toysoldiers · 16/07/2012 08:19

Thank you all.

Yes, I agree that it is a much bigger issue than division of chores. In general, he is happy to divide things equally. He does most of the cooking, we split lie ins at weekends etc, always around for bedtime etc. He also picks them up once a week (which was a struggle).

I think this is about him perceiving himself as 'the bread winner' and not liking it when this is challenged. I agree this makes him a knob.

I left him to it this morning. When I left he was only just out of bed, kids also only just woken up.

As he said I was selfish to arrange such early morning as kids were tired and needed their sleep, I didn't see the need to wake them so I could help get them ready. I also repeatedly told him that if he needed to get them out by 8, he really should be getting out of bed and getting himself ready while they slept.

My tactic is to talk about it on or shortly after the holiday, which I'm paying for.

I have no work after this week as I've arranged to take summer hols off. I need to line work up for September.

I'm planning to tell him that I'm reconsidering going back to work at all, as it is clearly unworkable with his current role, and discuss how we will manage financially.

OP posts:

Katisha · 16/07/2012 08:52

Do you mean his role in the family or his role at work? Don't give him the excuse of blaming his work commitments . It's his attitude not his role that is scuppering you.

fruitybread · 16/07/2012 08:54

I think he is being very unreasonable, and unfair, and I think you're strategy of going in via your work plans is a very sensible one.

I agree that he sees school run as 'your job' - I think a LOT of dads IME have this 'I am working so I cannot possibly be expected to do x as well!' attitude, when their attitude towards their female partners is precisely that they should work and fit all the other child/house stuff around it. Basically he sees his work as being more important than yours. He's only the major breadwinner because you are letting him work fulltim while you work part time, right? Proportionally you earn more than he does. Your work is important and you have a right to ask him for help when you need it.

It's great that he does other stuff but he can't pick and choose the jobs that suits him best and refuse to do the stuff that needs doing.

he's sounding martyred and unreasonable, so I think presenting this as a choice between 'if you want me to work you need to help me' or 'fine, if you won't help then I can't work' is a good way to get him to understand.

DeckSwabber · 16/07/2012 08:58

I wonder if you should re-assess how you think about income. I don't understand why HIS wages are paying living expenses and YOUR wages pay for holidays. Perhaps you should take on more bills and let him pay for some holidays/treats?

Original poster

toysoldiers · 16/07/2012 09:14

Deckswabber, that is how things are organised. I put money into the joint account every month.

What I meant was, if it wasn't for my earnings, we would be able to afford any luxuries.

OP posts:

lottiegb · 16/07/2012 09:18

If you earn more (and like your work) you could suggest that you work more, freeing him up to work part time, to allow him some more relaxed involvement with his children.

It sounds as though he has very poor time management, leaves things to the last minute, then stresses about them, inflating their importance to justify this and expecting others to dance around and support him, rather than saying 'why didn't you finish that report last week?'. If he's habituated to this, he will be very resistant to his priorities being challenged, as it challenges his whole way of working, failure at planning and probably a deep fear and sense of lack of control over time, which makes him believe this is the only way he can work.

That and the attitude to your role of course.

ScrambledSmegs · 16/07/2012 09:43

If you have greater earning potential than him, why not suggest that you go back to work full time and he becomes a SAHD, as clearly he is struggling to manage working and his minimal childcare obligations. Then sit back and enjoy watching him splutter about how important his job is .

TheCreepingLurgy · 16/07/2012 10:01

He's pulling rank on you. He thinks his work is more important than yours. He's paying for daily living, you're just paying for the extra's.

That the extra's aren't actually extra's but an essential part of running a household he does not understand.

What about reorganising your finances, so that you both contribute to all costs of running a household equally, not divided by type of cost. Maybe then he will lose this perception of being the breadwinner and start seeing your work as just as essential to the family as his. Which hopefully will lead to being more supportive of your work and pulling his weight re. childcare when your work requires that.

Original poster

toysoldiers · 16/07/2012 10:30

I think he does acknowledge it, which is why he always tries to blame my 'poor planning' rather than my actual need to work.

Examples - he will say I shouldn't book meetings when he has far to travel as he doesn't think it wise that we are both a couple of hours away. I agree on this which is why, when given the choice of 2 dates (one of which he is away,) I picked the date when I knew he would be at home.

This was poor decision making on my part because I should know that this is his 'busy' day. I went to bed at that point. .

He will always say 'I would under normal circumstances but not that day'. Recently I've taken to asking him specifically when he's at his desk with his diary open so I can see exactly how 'busy' he is.

Sometimes it's genuinely amusing to hear him grasping for a reason why not.

But it's very wearing.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3