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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't want to apologise - AIBU

37 replies

Shiregirl · 15/07/2012 14:48

This is probably more of a 'tell me i am unreasonable' post, but I need coaxing...

MIL can be Hard work - she expects us to see her 2-3 times a week and every weekend, she never lifts a finger to help me with cooking (even when we take her on hols), she makes hard work of baby sitting as stays for hour plus after we've got home (so we have to get home early 9pm!)

But really, although she's lovely & most if the time we get on - she grates me to the bone. I have nasty feelings on contempt for her. Im ashamed by this but it's the truth.

Now - I shouted at her last week. The back story is huge but I was tired, at the end if my tether, just needing her to man up & she didn't. I was not surprised - but I am really ashamed that I lost my temper & shouted at her asking 'why can you never bloody help except it's convienient to you'

I feel like I 'should' apologise but just don't want to. I know I have to, but it will be fake and I loathe saying sorry when I don't mean it. AIBU?

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 15/07/2012 14:51

If you're ashamed of losing your temper you can probably apologise and be sincere.

HecateHarshPants · 15/07/2012 14:52

Why do you feel contempt for her? Why does she 'grate you to the bone' if she's lovely and most of the time you get on? Because she wants to see you a few times a week and doesn't help with cooking? And she babysits for you but doesn't bugger off the second you get home?

The back story has to be relevant, because just going on what you describe in your op - you're being a bit unfair.

NimpyWindowMash · 15/07/2012 14:53

YABVU. Need coaxing? Pick up the phone and apologise right now. You haven't given the full story but it sounds like you were bang out of order.

knowitallstrikesagain · 15/07/2012 14:53

What you said was how you felt, but shouting is not the best way to do it and you know that. YABU to not apologise. Do it, clear your conscience and possibly pave the way for an open and honest discussion.

Good luck!

SCOTCHandWRY · 15/07/2012 14:53

You could say "I'm sorry I shouted at you", which is not the same as saying "I'm sorry I find you irritating", IYSWIM

wannabedomesticgoddess · 15/07/2012 14:54

Apologise for losing your temper. Dont apologise for the sentiment behind what was said.

Something along the lines of "I'm sorry that I shouted. I realise if I have an issue I should raise it with you in a calmer way."

SandStorm · 15/07/2012 14:54

You can apologise for shouting and losing your temper without apologising for what you actually said.

BebeBelge · 15/07/2012 15:02

'why can you never bloody help except it's convienient to you?'

Perhaps because she has her own life which doesn't revolve around being on standby to help you?

On what you've told us in your OP, you sound not only unreasonable but ungrateful. Maybe the back story is relevant and could provide mitigating circumstances for your rudeness, otherwise, YABVU.

SoleSource · 15/07/2012 15:06

Some of us get no help at all. I know that doesn't help you but apologise for shouting and what you said TBH.

MorrisZapp · 15/07/2012 15:06

You shouted at your lovely MIL for failing to 'man up'?

Yabu. Apologise to her.

MirandaGoshawk · 15/07/2012 15:12

The problem is that if these fallings-out aren't nipped in the bud then grudges are held and it gets harder & harder as time goes on to get back to 'normal'. It takes a mature person to apologise. Apologise. Just bite the bullet, say you're sorry, & then pretend all is well.

diddl · 15/07/2012 15:15

Of course you should apologise for shouting.

But I can´t quite understand that she´s lovely & you get on but she also "grates you to the bone".

Do you really like her or just manage to get along?

Don´t see her so often!

fedupofnamechanging · 15/07/2012 15:19

Firstly, I think we need the back story - it sounds like it is relevant.

Secondly, I think you need to see your mil a lot less often. 2 -3 times per week and every weekend would drive me batshit crazy - she does not have a right to demand this from you and since you raise the subject of 'manning up', you need to a little bit and tell you mil that you have plans/want some time just with dh and dc. She has no right to be offended by that, and if she is, that's her problem and not yours.

I virtually guarantee that you will find it much easier to be nice to her, if you see her less often (worked for me, anyway).

If you know you were in the wrong to shout, then you should apologise, but then change things so you don't resent her. Must admit I would hate to see anyone 3 times a week, who irritated me, so put a stop to it!

Kayano · 15/07/2012 15:19

Apologise. If the tables were reversed you would be damn well pissed at a lack of apology.

I don't understand how people can snap and shout and not think they should say sorry?

You would make a child say sorry for that so yabu

Unless you are going to drip feed ofc

pictish · 15/07/2012 15:23

We need more of the back story OP, because as it stands you sound quite domineering and determined that your mil should dance to your tune.

I don't think there's anything wrong with her hanging back for an hour for a chat when she has babysat for you! How ungracious you seem!!

squeakytoy · 15/07/2012 15:26

to be fair, without knowing the backstory, you dont come across very well in this, and appear to be rather offensive. She is your husband's mother, and the grandmother of your children, not a home help.

SCOTCHandWRY · 15/07/2012 15:32

I think some people are missing the OP's point that MIL is expecting 2 or 3 visits + weekend and DOES NOT help with cooking etc (OP has not asked her to be there to help) - a huge drain on the OP's time and energy I would have thought, however nice MIL is.
I would be at breaking point within a couple of weeks if my PIL were round 3 or 4 times a week!

squeakytoy · 15/07/2012 15:34

I see my MIL five or six times a week... so no, I am not missing the point at all.

I love her to bits, and yes there are times when she does drive me a bit mad, but I would never dream of telling her to "man up".

pictish · 15/07/2012 15:35

Oh so would I! To me that is too much.
However, I still think that bawling and shouting at her mil shows an intrinsic lack of respect and a sense of entitlement.
I would never dream of shouting at my mil!

SCOTCHandWRY · 15/07/2012 15:45

I would only dream of it, not actually do it of course! However, people do snap under stress......

Once a week would be about my limit for pil (and DH's as well). Usually it's a couple of times a month.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 15/07/2012 15:49

If you don't feel sorry, don't say sorry. Or, just say that you are sorry you lost your temper, or you are sorry that there has been a problem. Only apologise for what you feel apologetic about, there is no point saying sorry if your aren't. It's just false, and will make things worse because not only will she think that you are sorry when you aren't, she also won't bother to think about the part she played in making it happen. Which means its likely to happen again.

Kayano · 15/07/2012 15:54

I see my mil 2/3 times a week too and she occasionally looks after my dd to help me out.

I would never dream of expecting her to help cook in my own house, nor would she expect me to cook in her kitchen

She was doing you a favour. You should be clearer with her but not expect that her world revolves around you

DontmindifIdo · 15/07/2012 15:56

a) go buy flowers, b) take said flowers to MIL and say "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lost my temper at you, it's not fair to rant, I was upset about something else." (This is therefore apologising for shouting not for the content of your rant)

c) stop using her for babysitting, you know it'll be hard work, so pay someone. Or start seeing if you can babysitting 'swapping' with other families near by.

d) start being 'busy' a bit more in the week and start reducing the amount you see her, she can want to see you all she wants, but that doesn't follow that you have to make yourself available. It seems it's all got a bit smothering. You'll find her easier to deal with in small doses.

Dprince · 15/07/2012 15:56

I don't get this, why is it the mils responsibility to help out? If you are unhappy about the visits, tell her in a calm way. Why do people think the in laws have to help out. Of course she will only help when she can, why does she have to put herself out?
I think you should apologise at the very least for shouting at her and look at your and her expectations. They obviously don't match.

TheEnglishWomanInTheAttic · 15/07/2012 16:06

Does she help out 3 times a week, or visit and act like a guest (expect waiting on and entertaining) 3 times a week? It is totally different - although my MIL can be difficult because she constantly gives advice (which is veiled criticism) she helps out naturally if she comes over - as in she'll just muck in, not cook a full meal but make her own coffee, get a child a drink, while when my own mother visits she parks herself on the sofa and treats me as a waitress/ concierge expecting service, while she chats to the kids for a few minutes and gives them presents, then gets her Kindle out to read the paper on while I get on with providing refereshments!! So MIL being over 3 times a week may or may not be of any help to the OP!

I agree apologise for shouting not for what you said, if you meant it.

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