I don't want to apologise - AIBU

[Shiregirl]

This is probably more of a 'tell me i am unreasonable' post, but I need coaxing...

MIL can be Hard work - she expects us to see her 2-3 times a week and every weekend, she never lifts a finger to help me with cooking (even when we take her on hols), she makes hard work of baby sitting as stays for hour plus after we've got home (so we have to get home early 9pm!)

But really, although she's lovely & most if the time we get on - she grates me to the bone. I have nasty feelings on contempt for her. Im ashamed by this but it's the truth.

Now - I shouted at her last week. The back story is huge but I was tired, at the end if my tether, just needing her to man up & she didn't. I was not surprised - but I am really ashamed that I lost my temper & shouted at her asking 'why can you never bloody help except it's convienient to you'

I feel like I 'should' apologise but just don't want to. I know I have to, but it will be fake and I loathe saying sorry when I don't mean it. AIBU?

Apologise asap it's not ok to treat people like that yes people do shout and yell but it's not ok even if you stand by what you said the way you said it was not cool.
Fwiw I couldn't see either my mum or mil that often without going barking mad unless it was apsolutly understood that it was a guest in my home thing I.e on home ground the visitor is treated like a guest and not expected to do stuff other than at times when to visit is imposing like just after new baby arrives or illness ect.
My bestfriend comes round and helps as do I in her house but we both wait to be asked or offer to do so it's not an expectation.if babysitting is offered or asked for you leave asap after the event unless at the time of booking a request to stay longer is made I.e can u bbsit next weds? Stay for a drink after so we can gossip about the outing?

Apologise for shouting, rather than for the way you feel, as others have said. See her less often - every other weekend and once in the week. Pay for a proper babysitter instead of using her if her hanging around annoys you.

I can see why you have issues with her; lots of people would struggle to see their mil (or anyone!) that much and if she doesn't help out in the way you really need her to, it must be very frustrating. You can't exactly tell a free babysitter that they need to clear off as soon as you get home can you?

However, I would clear the air and apologise if I were you, because it sounds like perhaps she means well and just gets it wrong. Is she lonely? Apologies if you've said somewhere in the thread and I haven't seen it, but it could be that she's just struggling (is she widowed? Does she have any other company?) Now of course it's not solely your responsibility if she is, I just speak as someone who only sees people a couple of times a week and it's a long, lonely day when you're by yourself. I don't think anyone can understand how hard it is till you've been there. Could you apologise and then have a sit down and explain how hard it is when she doesn't cook? And also have a think about what you can say next time she babysits (something like 'it would be lovely to sit and chat but I'm afraid we're exhausted so can we continue our chat on Saturday..... or something, so you're being nice but assertive) Much better to clear the air rather than just building more frustration. I might be going completely down the wrong road and she has a dp and lots of friends and is just irritating, so ignore me if I am. I still think it's better to get things out in the open.

You should apologise IMO, you were out of order to shout at her like that. We all encounter people we don't much like or find annoying, but that's not really an excuse for being rude or taking your temper out on them. Especially when it's someone who's been doing you a favour, i.e. babysitting for you.

Why exactly should she 'help' you when it's not convenient for her?

If you don't think the current arrangement is working for you, you need to find an alternative babysitter, I think. And surely you don't have to see her 3 times a week if you don't want to?

Without knowing the backstory I am not sure if you are being U or not. My own PILs expect us to see them way more than I am comfortable with (pretty much every day/every other day/at least one day at the weekend too) and I mostly manage to fix a smile but definitely see where the OP is coming from.

I would say in order to keep the peace I would probably apologise for losing my temper and then try and restrict the number of times you see her. I have a lot more time for my PIL's if I haven't had to see them for a while. Also don't run around after her like you would other guests when she is there. My FIL insists on coming to my home EVERY single day (normally early evening) to see DC, at first I would be making drinks/.snacks whilst also trying to juggle dc's needs/bedtime/bath etc now I answer the door, let him in, and get on with whatever I am doing.

Why on earth do you see her so often?

Thank you for the honest advice, it was what I needed.

I'm going to see her tomorrow to apologise for shouting & DH has said that he will tackle the visit issue as it's become very hard on him as well.

OP - we moved here to be near my mil - she lives literally round the corner from us...but we only see her and her dh in the flesh maybe once a week, if that.
They know they're welcome here, and we know we're welcome there, but we all respect each others space. We all have our own lives to live but we are all willingly on hand for one another should we need it.
I love having them close by - it is a great comfort to me, especially as my own mum died years ago, and my dad lives 400 miles away, but I would not want them round here three times a week.
So on that one, I get you.

However, it is not cool to shout at your mil. Have some respect!

I can fully understand how having someone in your home 3 times a week plus every weekend is exhausting.
My mum was like this she would call around sometimes 5 times a week. she wouldn't do anything at all to help, not even wash up her own coffee cup.
Yet if I asked her to babysit it was as if I had asked for the moon.
She always seemed to be her but never when it was mutually convenient.
I am glad that your dh is tackling the visits.
Seriously I don't think unless you have been there that people understand how draining it is to have this level of visits.

Ah sorry - I see you are going to apologise. I'm glad to hear it.
Your dh does need to deal with the frequency of her visits and her demands on your family time...so it's excellent that he's going to.
Perhaps now is the time for the new way - where mil backs off a bit, and you learn to lower your expectations of her. She is not a facility.

Wow you do sound like you dont like her AT all, but i can see how seeing her so much can grate. I see my own mother twice a week and we love each other to bits but twice is more than enough, hope things improve, oh and i think you should say sorry

Think I'd apologise for shouting, and then use the opportunity to say that the 4 visits a week are clearly not working out for all of you , so you plan to take a couple of weeks with no visitors to get the house ( or children, work etc) sorted, and then you'll contact her to arrange a mutually convenient visit.