outlaws

[GEM33]

i ve got a 7mnth old dd. for the first time today i left her with in laws. they came round to our house and as i was leaving i explained to them that i was only going for half an hour or so as i had a works do to go to afterwards. i told them that dd would be ready for her afternoon nap in 40 mins so in 20 mins i wanted them to put her baby einstein dvd on as it relaxes her before her sleep. i got back and they hadnt put her dvd on and she was looking tired so i just put it on and told them i would get changed ready to go while they were still here. when i came back they were still trying to entertain dd. then they wanted a drink and stayed for another hour and a half.
they understand that we have great problems with dd sleep and that she really needs to go to sleep in the car seat to get to sleep in the afternoon. she has to go after being awake for 3 hours. so dd got exhausted and got stranky while they were here but they still wouldnt go. i felt too polite to say ok can you go now. in the end i had to put dd on my boob to get her to sleep and she slept a 45 min sleep cycle and then later when i put her in the car seat she couldnt get back to sleep. (she needs 2-3 hours in the afternoon)
i kept dropping hints i was supposed to be at this works do but they just stayed until i finally said i really am going to have to go.

so for the rest of the day dd was really massively overtired and didnt sleep long enough now she is awake i missed the works do. ive got a ball of anger inside me that wont go away.

1. they didnt listen to my instructions about the dvd and the sleep times
2. they dont seem to have listened to me that i was telling them when my dd was tired and needed to go to sleep

3 they totally disregarded the fact that i was due to go somewhere (with my dd i have to point out)

1. im angry at myself for not having the balls to say quickly at the beginning ok i have to go.

if it was my mum i can talk to her straight but my partner has this like mega awkward respect for his mum and dad and they can never do any wrong and if i say they have done something not quite right he always sticks up for them. they ll probably enver know the bloody shitty day i ended up having all because they outstayed their welcome and now ive been up all frikin night with an overtired baby that cant settle,.
they ahve pissed me off loads before by not respecting me and not listening to things that i say.
it makes me not want them to spend any time with my dd. (this is unreasonable of me i know) and i definitely dont want them to have her in their charge as they clearly wont follow my dds routine.
i just wanted to get this off my chest somewhere because i cant do it anywhere else.
thanks for reading if you have. im sure theres worse things could happen.

You can be assertive, and still be respectful and polite. Something like "I'd love a drink but don't have time today, as I really need to get going, I don't want to be late for the work do" or "I can spare 5 monutes for a quick drink, then have to get going, so sorry to rush you" could work.

*minutes

I felt like this about my PILs. MIL always used to say sarcastically "because I've never raised children, of course" whenever I gave her instructions for DC1. Luckily we had a complete absence of flexible routine so recovered ok after each visit.

I wanted to reassure you that once they can speak (a way off for you, I know) it does get easier as my DD definitely speaks up for herself and tells MIL when she isn't doing something like Mummy does it.

It sounds to me like they either wanted to play with their GC or just thought they knew best - the former is understandable, the latter is more problematic as so much in childcare has changed, even in the past few years.

Can you give them more time with your DC? I know this sounds perverse, but if they have her for longer they will know her better and they will have to deal with the all out of disrespecting your instructions, which should hopefully make them more inclined to follow them after that.

Sitting here with my 9 week old who has barely slept last night... anything that makes you not get enough sleep is just plain bloody awful. If your MIL is so defensive of how she managed to bring up children before, remind her about how crap the lack of sleep is. You know best for what your child wants, no one else. If you let it go, then things will never change, it's better to just be blunt in getting the message across.

I'd probably cut my nose off to spite my face and not ask again!

Or arrange it so they arrive when your dd is already asleep.

I feel for you as it is a nightmare when someone thinks they know best and takes over !

You will read your Op back one day (probably when you have DC2) and realise you are being vair vair PFB!

Baby Einstein DVD doesn't relax your PFB it is something you are relying on. You do know that you are supposed to interact with your LO whilst watching - so it stimulates rather than relaxes?

And as for "really needs to be in the car seat to sleep
In the afternoon" - car seats are designed for travelling and not for extended sleeping. My MW and HV advised that a break should be taken if on long journeys with babies and they should be taken out of seat regularly. Car seats are not cribs - try teaching your baby that cots/cribs/beds are for sleeping.

Finally - grow a pair! Get yours and LO' s coats and say "right I'm off now" and either lock them in if they don't take the hint or wave goodbye to them (if they do take the hint) and then shut the door and enjoy the peace

I think yabu and very pfb.
-How do you think people managed to get children asleep before dvds?
-Baby Einstein is not meant to put your baby asleep.
-Car seats are dangerous for babies to sleep in for more than an hour.
-Your out laws did you a favour, how dare they want a drink and a chat when you came back.

If you are going to make demands like this on how someone should mind your pfb you should pay them, but I don't think anyone would put a baby to sleep in a car seat.

yup...pfb... I agree, when you read this back one day you'll laugh at how utterly pfb it is.

And very good points by FormerlyTitledUntidy

You have got yourself into a ridiculous routine, tbh.

Next time don't drop hints, say what you need to do. It is your fault that you missed your works do and i don't understand why you wouldn't just say to make themselves a drink and that you needed to go.

Yabu

actually, there was a case in Ireland where a baby died from sleeping in the car seat, Will see if I can find a link.

here

So they only looked after her for half an hour and you tried to tell them what to do for that half an hour?!

this has to be one of the best cases of PFB I have read on here in a while...

"i told them that dd would be ready for her afternoon nap in 40 mins so in 20 mins i wanted them to put her baby einstein dvd on as it relaxes her before her sleep"

get.a.grip.

I agree with those who say that you are being very PFB & really need to change your routine especially re sleeping in a car seat.

I can see both sides here. I think a lot of the posters above are being a bit unfair and probably had 'easy' babies. Having a baby who does not sleep can be dehabilitating and exhausting. I used to do anything to get DS1 off to sleep (extractor fan, hairdryer etc). You do what gets baby off to sleep (within reason!).

BUT, car seats shouldn't be used other than in the car really. Their backs are growing so quickly at that age and they are curved whilst sat in seats.

But yes, you do need to just assert yourself more, without negotiation. Just talk about it as this is what needs to happen in a friendly, but firm way. But you'll probably find your DD sleeping habits will change quickly anyway.

If you were going out when they arrived and going to be out for 30 mins or so, presumably as you weren't expecting them you were taking your DD with you? So how on earth were you going to put her baby einstein DVD on if they didn't turn up anyway?

nope sheep, dd1 was a perfect sleeper, dd2 is two in September and still hasn't slept through the night.
I know what it's like to have no sleep, and possibly to be really unreasonable because of it, but this takes the pfb biscuit !

Sorry op, yabu and pfb. But I've been there and I get it. The car seat thing Has been covered. I'll let you into a secret, coming from me, a routine-obsessed, controlling, OCD, pfb mother of the highest order..... Leave the baby with your outlaws, leave written instructions, walk out the door. It will be fine. Yes, there will be a bit of disruption when you get home, but in the mean time DD will be fine. I cannot tolerate my outlaws. On 2 occasions they have proven themselves not safe carers, at least not for more than a few hours. It does get better as the children grow, you get more confident.

Yabu and pfb.

One day you will look back on this and laugh at your rigidity and ire over this non issue.

As for the DVD being the be all and end all - don't be silly.

maybe you could have had the coffee and nice chat for a bit before you went out for the half hour? Made them feel they were welcome and that you appreciate them coming over to stay with DC whilst you go out for a bit?

Maybe pil's were looking forward to interacting with their DG for a bit...not simply to watch sleeping in a car seat...(and maybe wondered about this being a good idea and didn't like to do that)
Maybe they thought DG would be cosier and more comfortable in their arms or on the seat with DG beside...when DC was sleepy and would drop off naturally...as most babies do anyway...
DC's fall asleep in car seats often...but...we don't use this as a sleeping arrangement...does anyone? ...it doesn't seem a good idea cos they aren't properly lying down either..kinda bunched up in a car seat....and car seats are quite hard too, with little padding for their backs, etc?????

Have you thought about a pram or day bed if you are not using the cot through the day naps???...it would be much more 'bed like' and the goal is that baby will learn self soothing and know when sleep is needed...in a bed or similar...

So you gave some bf and DC fell asleep on you for 45mins?...thats good isn't it...slightly later than you maybe wanted but 45mins nap is fairly normal isn't it???....don't babies do this little and often sleeping.....I can't remember mine doing more than max of 2hrs at any one time during the day???

I'm not sure you need to be so stirred up ...but...I do think you maybe need to look at how you are doing some things....babies don't 'need' anything to fall asleep when they are tired...they just don't...if you are setting up dvd's and not using something that your DC is lying down with a blanket in/on then they will have problems learning to sleep properly....you would be setting yourself up for alot of issues you really won't need going on....

I'm not having a go...I'm asking you to re-think things and maybe see a better way of being and doing things....and you know, visitors always want to coo and ahh over babies...it would be weird if they didn't lol...you'd be wondering if they cared at all if they didn't...esp the DGP's

Ds is 6 and it is hit and miss if he sleeps through the night and I still think it very pfb.

Nothing and I mean nothing works. When they are ready to sleep through they will

YABVVVU to put your baby to sleep in the car seat. And really, you shouldn't be relying on a DVD to get her to sleep!

I think it's time to change those bad habits.

Wrt the in-laws: you are being quite PFB and will hopefully look back and laugh one day! :)

Oh... how awkward... he respects his parents.....

I'm a bit on the fence about this. OP I think you need to do something very different around your nap time routine, watching a DVD stimulates your baby rather than relaxes them so I honestly think you're being PFB about this, and agree sleeping in the car seat is awful for baby!

However, as a mum to a 16 month old who has always been a nightmare about sleep, I would be very annoyed if I'd asked someone to help me and they didn't follow my routine with him.

Problem is, they were doing you a favour so I don't think you can go mad at them. Either don't ask them to help again, or accept that they may not do things your way. Different if it was someone you were paying, or even someone who has you child regularly, but when you have asked for a favour it's incredibly ungrateful to then complain that they did it wrong!!