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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to back off?

42 replies

faulkernegger · 14/07/2012 18:26

My DD has been friends with another girl for about 7 years (since nursery). The other girl's mother had a brain tumour a few years ago, and is still not well. She has a partner, not her daughter's father, who is bi-polar, and who does absolutely nothing. They are very broke, on benefits that never seem to get paid on time, and in a pretty sorry state generally.
The mum has latched on to me as some sort of saviour. I help out when I can - she babysits for me sometimes, but needs to be picked up and returned home because she can't walk very well ( it's a 1:4 hill to her housing association home). She often asks for a loan or a lift somewhere, and says she doesn't know what she'd do without me.
She is not someone I would choose as a friend, and although I feel very sorry for her, I don't know how to back off from her. We are not well off ourselves - I work and have a mortgage etc to pay, an overdraft and credit card bills, and now my car's in the garage, but it's so hard to say no to her. My DP thinks I'm being 'good', but I'm starting to feel resentful. Any (helpful) suggestions?

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 14/07/2012 18:27

You seem quite preoccupied by the fact that she gets benefits and lives in a HA home.

YANBU to say no to her sometimes, but what is it that bothers you here? Sounds like she's quite a nice person.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 18:30

They do sound like they have a lot of problems, but they're not your responsibility.

Could you be kind in your back off, just throw in the occasional 'I can't do it that day' (no apologies, no reason given) so they start looking elsewhere for support?

It wouldn't be fair to just cut them off dead, after all you have kind of gone along with what they've asked you for, and she might be a good friend if you've got some boundaries in place to fend her off a bit.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 18:31

Yes, you seem keen to mention her HA home and your mortgage!!

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/07/2012 18:33

I second what Agentzigzag says, and I would ignore Tidydancer's comment regarding what is perceived by him / her to be your preoccupation.

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 18:33

Yanbu to want to back off a bit but for the housing association snobbery yabu.

TidyDancer · 14/07/2012 18:36

Exactly Katherine, in a relatively short OP it is mentioned in quite an obvious way.

Possibly coincidental, but I don't see how it's at all relevant tbh.

That's why it looks like a preoccupation btw, AllIwant....

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 18:39

Ach, you're a suspicious lot Grin

I'm sure the OP doesn't look down on those on benefits more than she does anyone else Wink

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 18:42

No,of course not..After all, she is good enough for op to leave her child with her. I will ignore the whinge about having to take her home after babysitting

Imisssleepingin · 14/07/2012 18:43

Its a 1:4 hill to her home.
See that was enough information, what on earth has the fact it's a HA house got anything to do with it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/07/2012 18:43

Stop with the snobbery accusations! FFS, maybe it's relevant!

OP did not just say they were on benefits, she said "They are very broke, on benefits that never seem to get paid on time " - a chaotic situation which, to me, meant that the OP sympathises with them and is willing to cut them some slack.

As for where they live - " it's a 1:4 hill to her housing association home", which again, to me, read that the OP realised that where this woman lives is a problem, but that she is at the mercy of her HA and maybe can't persuade them to move her to something more suitable (i.e. on the flat).

Judgy, much? Hmm

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 18:45

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KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 18:46

Benefits get paid on time.....unless it's nat west bank??

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 18:46

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Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/07/2012 18:47

Whereyouleftit: thanks for putting into words what I was unable to do! (or could not be arsed to do seeing that DS insists on talking to me while I am mnetting and watching tv: SO demanding!)

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 18:48

WTF SS?

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 18:50

Exactly what I wrote....Confused

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 18:51

Racist? How?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/07/2012 18:51

Hmmmm ... again I second what the Agent says!!

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 18:52

I find the OP's name offensive.

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 18:52

It's a strong accusation without explaining any more, so I'm not sure why you're confused SS.

Where does the racist bit come into the OP?

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 18:52
SoleSource · 14/07/2012 18:53

What does the name sound like? Say it outloud? You believe this OP? Hmm

You can't all be so naive.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 18:53

Why is it racist?

TheSpokenNerd · 14/07/2012 18:54

whereyouleftit that is YOUR interpritation of what she said...she said Housing Associaion HOme...not "Housing Association home that she wants to leave"

Hmm

OP....you do seem to come over as a bit heartless.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 18:54

Maybe it means something to her? You are breaking talk guidelines now..

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