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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to back off?

42 replies

faulkernegger · 14/07/2012 18:26

My DD has been friends with another girl for about 7 years (since nursery). The other girl's mother had a brain tumour a few years ago, and is still not well. She has a partner, not her daughter's father, who is bi-polar, and who does absolutely nothing. They are very broke, on benefits that never seem to get paid on time, and in a pretty sorry state generally.
The mum has latched on to me as some sort of saviour. I help out when I can - she babysits for me sometimes, but needs to be picked up and returned home because she can't walk very well ( it's a 1:4 hill to her housing association home). She often asks for a loan or a lift somewhere, and says she doesn't know what she'd do without me.
She is not someone I would choose as a friend, and although I feel very sorry for her, I don't know how to back off from her. We are not well off ourselves - I work and have a mortgage etc to pay, an overdraft and credit card bills, and now my car's in the garage, but it's so hard to say no to her. My DP thinks I'm being 'good', but I'm starting to feel resentful. Any (helpful) suggestions?

OP posts:
TheSpokenNerd · 14/07/2012 18:54

SoleSource...it sounds like "Falk A Negger"

Cheriefroufrou · 14/07/2012 18:55

didn't read it as snobbery, read it as explaining the woman's situation

right anyway, people who over use things like "I don't know what I'ld do without you" are often a bit manipulative, yes I know she's sick, but sick people can be manipulating too, people don't automatically grow consciences when they get sick

YANBU to start saying no, giving lifts to places you weren't going anyway isn't cheap, so long as you realise that you are partly responsible for it getting to this dynamic in the first place by not saying no occassionally up to this point

does each loan get paid back before the next one is lent?

ultimately you cannot fix anything about their situation, and you say yourself that you are not really genuine friends, so I don't think you'll actually be doing much harm by backing off (although this woman would like you to think that she "couldn't manage without you" - things prob wouldn't be much different without you TBH so don't be guilted into continuing this!)

iklboo · 14/07/2012 18:56

How is the OP racist? Unless Schwartzenegger and a large number of German/Austrian people whose name ends in negger are racist. Confused

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/07/2012 18:57

Thanks, Agent! Grin BFF! Promise!

TheSpokenNerd · 14/07/2012 18:57

Yes SOleSOurce...VERY out of order to go about calling peopl "racist troll" like that.

TheSpokenNerd · 14/07/2012 19:01

here..many threads that OP is on

She's not a troll.

KatherineKavanagh · 14/07/2012 19:03

solesource you called us all naive, because we don't agree with you?

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 19:04

YABU you don't have more rights than a child. It's common courtest to move to let someone through perhaps they didn't see you, perhaps they are just ignorant rude people, either way I'd have dealt with it with a loud 'excuse me please', directed to the person who was in the way (you can actually speak to children you know).

As for the bus thing you are being ridiculous bus seats are first come first served and only the elderly or disabled should take priority. And young children need to stand more than young adults as they are smaller and more prone to getting squashed/falling over/going flying down a moving bus.

Jiggleballs123 · 14/07/2012 19:04

Oh bugger that wasn't supposed to happen!

AgentZigzag · 14/07/2012 19:07

Grin Jiggle, sounds heavy.

SoleSource · 14/07/2012 19:09

No, I was very wrong!

I'm genuinley very sorry OP and sorry to everybody else.

Feeling a bit sensitive today. Unlike me to jump to such silly conclusions.

Thanks

:(

poorbuthappy · 14/07/2012 19:14

Jiggleballs123 excellent timing...Smile

faulkernegger · 14/07/2012 19:31

Oh blimey. Thanks for the comments everyone.
Didn't mean to sound judgy over HA home - just putting you in the picture as to her situation - ie unable to move to a more walking friendly place.
Only mentioned the mortgage to show I have outgoings too.
Re lifts home - I have to leave my children on their own to take her back!
And racist?????? where did THAT come from? What's wrong with the name? It was a nickname I got at work for being picky over people's grammar!
Sometimes I do say no, and always feel guilty when her face falls.
Yes - it's Nat West, and it happens a lot.

OP posts:
faulkernegger · 14/07/2012 19:36

solesource apology accepted.

OP posts:
SoleSource · 14/07/2012 19:38

Thank you x :)

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 14/07/2012 19:38

Grin Jiggle!

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2012 19:44

It makes me angry that you are expected to help when her partner is doing sod all to help them.

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