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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be letting my perceived ugliness keep me away from men?

34 replies

PrincessTeacake · 14/07/2012 16:54

Okay, here's the deal. I'm not being falsely modest and I'm not looking for attention, I just need some perspective from people who don't know me from Adam.

I am horrifically awkward with men. I've dumped pretty much all my boyfriends over the years and have spent a long time being single in between, figuring that if I met the right man I wouldn't have this problem. All the men I've dated have had problems that we couldn't get past that contributed to my akwardness so it wouldn't have gone very far anyway, but I'm really starting to worry that if I did meet the right guy I'd be too freaked out to pursue it any further than casual dating.

The problem is I see myself as weird-looking at best, downright ugly at worst. I've had enough friends and complete strangers tell me I'm cute and pretty to doubt it but I find it really hard to see myself that way. I joined match.com recently to just see what the dating pool is like for me and I've gotten a lot of responses, two of which have freaked me out so badly I can't stop thinking about them. One just said I was a good-looking girl and he wanted to meet me for a drink and the other asked me what a pretty girl like myself was doing on the site. I have no idea how to answer either query, I just put up one of the few pictures I think makes me look okay but I have no idea how they're perceiving this, as strangers they're not obligated to lie and make me feel better the way my family and friends do.

I know everyone has something about themselves they don't like but is this normal? I'd almost rather be certain I was hideous than have this confusion.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/07/2012 17:00

Ok so let's just say for the sake of argument that you're 'ugly'.

What is 'ugly'?

People are initially attracted to all different types of looks and personalities.

One person's 'ugly' is another person's gorgeous.

However, I'd keep off of the cheap/free internet dating sites because from what I keep reading, there are a lot of time wasters on there using them as a means to a quick and free shag.

Tressy · 14/07/2012 17:13

I kind of understand what you are saying about yourself and feel the same. I get plenty of male attention but always think that it ends because of my looks.

Even been told I have a weird face, can look stunning from certain angles, but terrible from others. No wonder I'm confused.

What's ever worse is that I only fancy very good looking guys. If I stopped punching about my weight I could accept Mr Average :)

ZillionChocolate · 14/07/2012 17:15

You're almost certainly not hideous. I do think you need to do something as it sounds like preoccupation with the way you look and your lack of confidence is limiting your life. Maybe some sort of counselling or hypnotherapy?

Tressy · 14/07/2012 17:18

Meant to say. I don't have any advice :)

I always put my best photo's up if I go on dating sites and have only had a couple of people not want to see me again, out of quite a few.

Do you think your photo's do you too much justice?

NotAnAxeMurderer · 14/07/2012 17:20

I doubt you're ugly. I've met thousands and thousands of people during my life and the only people that pop into my head when I think "ugly" are the ones with ugly personalities.

I personally go for conventionally "ugly" men, because I like someone with character.

So in conclusion: you are not ugly. But your self esteem is shot.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/07/2012 17:20

The nicest guys are not shallow. If you take care of yourself and dont smell then I very much doubt you will send any man running. The guys who call women ugly are immature and insecure themselves. Genuine men will get to know someone to see if there is a spark.

However, if you feel this way about yourself then you could well be giving off negative vibes which make men think you are bitchy or not interested. I think you need to work on your own self confidence before you worry about what men think.

If someone is feeling sexy and positive it radiates off them and makes them instantly more attractive. This has very little to do with looks.

As for the dating site, IME 90% of men on them use daft pickup lines and are looking for a quick shag. Its definately a case of learning the signs and trusting your gut instinct to sort through them.

Most of all, you are not ugly. People all look different for a reason, and one day you will find a man who will think you are the most beautiful woman alive :)

Val007 · 14/07/2012 17:48

Show us a picture and we'll let you know.

Complete strangers on dating websites might be fishing for easy sex. Beware, no matter how you look like, they know that compliments open steel doors (your tightly crossed legs in this case).

Tressy · 14/07/2012 18:19

I wouldn't take much notice of what a guy looking for a date on a site says to you. Some have a generic message of 'wow you are gorgeous' which they send to lots of women hoping for one or two replies. Obviously they are sending this message to women they fancy but it can be a chat up line.

Original poster
PrincessTeacake · 14/07/2012 19:27

Val007, these steel doors are deadbolted and impossible to open without the use of industrial machinery. In other words, I don't do easy sex. Never have, never will. And here's my page on the site (using the same username) it's not a perfect picture but it's one of the few I think is okay. I don't like looking at pictures of myself. uk.match.com/scheduler.php?url=/mailbox/index.php

Thanks for the replies, and I'm aware that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and my best friend tells me my personality shines more than my looks. I do think I may need some sort of therapy but I've just started on my new meds (unrelated disability) and I'm kind of enjoying life without having to talk to doctors. Sometimes I just wonder what people see in me when they make comments about the way I look, and why can't I see it.

OP posts:
Kaloobear · 14/07/2012 19:36

I don't think people can see on there unless they sign up-sorry. But I'm sure you're not ugly. You sound unconfident though-could you go for a style analysis day or something so an expert can give you an unbiased opinion on your best bits to play up?

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2012 19:39

You can't see the photo on Match, OP, unless you're a member.

I wondered what your friends had to say. Do you think you have a kind of body dysmorphia? Is it just your face that you're worried about or do you have doubts about your body, too?

Original poster
PrincessTeacake · 14/07/2012 19:51

Okay, well here's the non-cropped picture linked from fb. I'm on the far right. I always pose like this in pictures because I heard it makes you look better.

a6.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/537882_10150675710620785_1511196724_n.jpg

I asked my friends on facebook recently, I generally don't like to bring it up because I'm worried people will think I'm self-obsessed (I am, a little, just not in a positive way) the overall consensus was that I'm pretty, but they're my friends. What else would they tell me?

What really got me thinking about it was that a girl who absolutely hates me was slagging me off in an anonymous chatroom, unaware that I was there, and she said I was, and I quote 'a good-looking woman.' That and watching a documentary about Lolo Ferrari where they mentioned her body dysmorphia and how it lead to her death.

Yes, I have huge doubts about my body too. I've never thought about surgery because A) I'm cheap and B) I know it wouldn't make me feel any differently.

OP posts:
Kaloobear · 14/07/2012 19:59

Speaking as a total stranger who has no reason whatsoever to lie, you're very pretty. Honestly.

noblegiraffe · 14/07/2012 20:05

Your dress sense needs a little work (Wink) but you're not ugly, rather attractive and you look like you take care of yourself grooming-wise. Certainly nothing to worry about in that department. You also look like someone who doesn't take themselves too seriously and are up for fun and so shouldn't have too much problem with attracting men.

It sounds like you have an issue with relationships with men and this is manifesting as a supposed problem with your looks in order to put a barrier up?

Val007 · 14/07/2012 20:06

I made a fake profile, but it is not showing me a photo. What is your username? Can I search by this?

Anyway, I can relate to how you feel because I am overweight, BUT, I have come to the conclusion that different people have different tastes, plus for some men personality, other body features etc are much more important, in the long run, than a particular 'problem' bit that you have in your body/face. Have faith and confidence, LOVE YOURSELF and accept that this is YOU, ugly or not, whatever, nothing you can do about it, just accept it and make your life easier by loving yourself. Then, you will accept the love of a man.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/07/2012 20:10

You are really pretty.

I think you need to seek out some help to improve your self confidence. I dont know what has made you think so badly if yourself but I really hope you can start feeling better :)

Kayano · 14/07/2012 20:12

I'm pretty minging but I am hilarious so it is ok Wink

LeB0f · 14/07/2012 20:18

You must look at the rest of the world as though 75% of them are utter mingers, if you count as ugly. Jeez. Yes, the problem is in your head. Ask your GP about Body Dysmorphic Syndrome or whatever they call it now and tell them it is affecting your ability to meet and socialise with people. There will be a wait, but there must be some therapy for it.

Val007 · 14/07/2012 20:18

Ok, I tried to look with the eyes of a man - well, I would definitely consider you! You look very feminine, have curves in the right places, very sweet face and smile, nice hair. I would die to take care of a woman like this.

You are the complete opposite of hideous and I suggest you try to help yourself by putting a high price on yourself, building some criteria as regards to men and sticking to this. I actually found the Mars Venus books a real help. They helped me find the man I wanted. Why don't you try these?

Snog · 14/07/2012 20:32

Nothing off-putting about your looks judging by your photo - sounds like you are quite dysmorphic tbh. Did you feel unattractive as a child, is this where it comes from?

I suggest get some counselling as although I don't think your looks would put men off I do think your lack of self confidence would very likely put men off tbh.

ekidna · 14/07/2012 20:42

Yeah get some counselling if you can. It sounds like the investment would be really worth it. Tackle it head on.

VisuallyChallengedFiend · 14/07/2012 20:47

You're not ugly at all, you're cute to say the least. You'd be lots of guys' types.

BTW, despite my username, I can in fact see perfectly well when I wear my glasses, which I am now doing

If someone says you're good looking, just accept it. Especially if they say it out of nowhere. People wouldn't just lie for the sake of it, they can't be bothered.

Mama1980 · 14/07/2012 20:55

Hi I agree with the others I think maybe you should consider some counselling. I haven't looked at your picture because no person is ugly. I truly believe this physically I am very scarred, no one looks at me differently, my partner loves me he tells me I am beautiful but he means who I am not what I look like. Who I am what I am loved for being has nothing to do with how I look. Maybe try to think why you feel this way? X

Tressy · 14/07/2012 21:55

You are not ugly!

ekidna · 14/07/2012 22:00

she's clearly not ugly but it's not the point at all :-(