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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my aunt to see my daughter...

42 replies

BabydollsMum · 14/07/2012 11:04

My father was an abusive, alcoholic c**t who died when I was 18 (thank God). He had one sister, my aunt, who I haven't seen for 20 years and even before then I wasn't close to her AT ALL! I don't even know if I'd recognise her in the street, TBH. For reasons I cannot fathom my mother has kept in touch with her all these years, despite her brother (my father) putting her through living hell, as you can imagine.

Now that I've had a baby, my mother's insisting that my aunt sees her and it's really upset me. I just don't want anything to do with that side of the family at all. It's just too painful. What has my mother got to gain by keeping up this phoney relationship with her SIL and playing happy families like nothing's happened? Grrrr. This aunt has seen DD once - sneakily when I wasn't there and DD was at her house. Now she wants to arrange another meeting! NB this is coming from my mother, not my aunt. I'm sure my aunt couldn't care less, it's not as if she took any interest in me when I was a baby. I'm trying to be grown up about this but there are some family wounds that are just too deep to ever repair.

OP posts:

NeedlesCuties · 14/07/2012 11:07

YANBU.

I have a relation whom I think in a similar way about. Last time she saw DS he was 4 months old, he's now 2.5 years old and I will not be letting her see him ever.

Your DC is yours and you are responsible for making choices regarding her care.

Your mum is welcome to see her SIL as much as she likes, but if you don't want your DD or yourself to be around your aunt, then that needs to be respected.

MammaTJ · 14/07/2012 11:08

So because her BROTHER was horrible, you want nothing to do with her?

I suppose it is up to you who you let near your child but I think to judge her on the behaviour of her sibling is a bit harsh.

I do not speak to my dad at all. He know I have one daughter, but since I cut contact I have had two more children. He does not know about them.

I speak to his sister frequently on the phone. We keep in touch and are very close. She is a different person to her brother.

JeezyPeeps · 14/07/2012 11:10

I don't understand why you don't want her to see your child. Because your dad was an arse? It doesn't necessarily mean she is. Is there more to this than you are saying?

JumpingThroughHoops · 14/07/2012 11:11

Clearly your mother has chosen to keep the relationship alive with YOUR fathers family for a reason. If she didn't like her SIL, I'm sure she would have cut all ties.

Just because she's your fathers sister doesn't mean she is anything like your father. And it's quite prejudicial to assume that the relationship is 'phoney'.

Maybe your mother and her SIL are actually good friends over all these years?

Original poster

BabydollsMum · 14/07/2012 11:12

MammaTJ, totally get where you're coming from but if it wasn't for my mum keeping up this phoney relationship this aunt wouldn't be in our lives at all. It's more the fact that I find it so incredibly sickening that she doesn't know the full story and probably sees her late brother as an innocent, which I can assure you he wasn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

BabydollsMum · 14/07/2012 11:14

They're not good friends - that's my point. It's only since DD has come along that they've even met, and when I say 'relationship' I guess I mean in an annual christmas card and perhaps the odd phone call kind of way. Nothing more than that.

OP posts:

JeezyPeeps · 14/07/2012 11:15

So she doesn't even know what went on? Then why are you blaming her? Surely it's not your aunts fault that no one had told her?

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2012 11:17

"I suppose it is up to you who you let near your child but I think to judge her on the behaviour of her sibling is a bit harsh"

It isn't just a matter of judging her, on her brothers behaviour, though.

I don't have contact with members of my family, because they sat back and let me go through an abusive and neglectful childhood.

If you do that then you carry some responsibility for non action.

SandStorm · 14/07/2012 11:18

What makes the relationship between your mother and aunt 'phoney'? People perceive relationships very differently and it may not feel phoney at all to either of them.

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2012 11:18

X post.

Your mother may be in denial about the extent of what happened and this is a way of hanging on to some normality.

PenisVanLesbian · 14/07/2012 11:19

It's not your aunts fault that her brother was awful, you are directing your ire at an innocent woman, whose only crime seems to be to show an interest in her SIL, neice and great-niece. You don't know its a phony relationship, who are you to decide that for others?
Why are you being so mean about her?

gothicangel · 14/07/2012 11:20

YANBU.

your child your rules.

Pancakeflipper · 14/07/2012 11:24

I am not sure why you are so angry at your Aunt.
I get the anger at your father.

Are you taking your anger regarding your father on anyone connected to him?
I would ask your mum what's the story with the Aunt.

Original poster

BabydollsMum · 14/07/2012 11:24

Birdsgottafly EXACTLY! "I don't have contact with members of my family, because they sat back and let me go through an abusive and neglectful childhood".

PenisVanLesbian (great name, btw) I'm not being mean, I'm just really narked, inwardly, hence posting on here! And no, she hasn't shown any interest in her niece (me) EVER!

OP posts:

hettiebull · 14/07/2012 11:26

YANBU and your mother sneaking around behind your back is (another) appalling breach of trust.
I agree with Birds.

JeezyPeeps · 14/07/2012 11:27

So you are angry that she didn't do anything about a situation she knew (according to you) nothing about.

So - what on earth do you think she should have / could have done?

JeezyPeeps · 14/07/2012 11:29

Sorry, misquoted - your aunt didn't know nothing, but doesn't know the full story.

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2012 11:29

If you cannot cover up what went on, then don't meet with her.

Your Mother would be wrong to expect you to.

There might be the regret expressed by your Aunt, that your dad isn't here to see his GC and you shouldn't be expected to agree and pretend that you would allow contact if he was here.

Do you see their relationship as phony, because some of it is based on lies and cover ups?

If they were really close, your Aunt would know the truth?

Xayide · 14/07/2012 11:32

Don't leave your DD with your mother if you feel she can't respect your wishes in regard to you DC.

However I expect if you did a few family meals or quick visits all the enthusiasm and excitement would die out and your mother and aunt would go back to Christmas cards.

You could try explaining how you feel to your mother - that being in contact with your Dad family upsets you and even if thats not rational its how you feel and so you really aren't happy to have you or your DC in contact with them?

I'd also point out she can insist all she wants doesn't mean it will happen but it will damage her relationship to you.

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2012 11:33

"So - what on earth do you think she should have / could have done"

Be a supportive relative, even if she couldn't remove the OP from the situation. At least that does something for the child's self esteem.

Child protection is everyone's business, especially family. Why now is there a relationship wanted?

Birdsgottafly · 14/07/2012 11:37

"if you did a few family meals"

And listen how you are both a credit to your Dad and how much you look like him and then there are the family stories of their childhood.

OP, if this is going to impact on you in any way, just say no and tell your Mother why.

Under no other circumstance would a victim be expected to be polite to the abusers family and listen to this sort of thing, other than child abuse.

JeezyPeeps · 14/07/2012 11:38

So, at the time you were going through a tough time with your dad, what did your aunt know?

If she was fully aware, I can see your point. If she wasn't -and you imply she wasn't - then I can't see why you think she should have been there for you. It still looks like you are blaming the wrong person. Surely thd responsibility really lies with your mother?

Original poster

BabydollsMum · 14/07/2012 11:39

Birds Exactly again: "Do you see their relationship as phony, because some of it is based on lies and cover ups?"

Xayide You're probably right re a few meals but even seeing my father's sister after all these years would probably make me hyperventilate and fall to the ground in a sobbing mess!

OP posts:

Xayide · 14/07/2012 11:40

It sounds like the OP thinks the Aunt is being polite - so it's all coming from her mother.

Perhaps its an attempt to rewrite history as perhaps she can't deal with what went on or how she dealt with it so 'playing' happy families now is a way to cope or perhaps the Aunt was very supportive in the background and OP wasn't aware of it at the time?

Op you need to talk to your mother and get her to listen to you and if she can't perhaps just do supervised visits with your DC with her.

Original poster

BabydollsMum · 14/07/2012 11:41

Birdsgottafly THANK YOU x

OP posts:

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