to not want my aunt to see my daughter...

[BabydollsMum]

My father was an abusive, alcoholic c**t who died when I was 18 (thank God). He had one sister, my aunt, who I haven't seen for 20 years and even before then I wasn't close to her AT ALL! I don't even know if I'd recognise her in the street, TBH. For reasons I cannot fathom my mother has kept in touch with her all these years, despite her brother (my father) putting her through living hell, as you can imagine.

Now that I've had a baby, my mother's insisting that my aunt sees her and it's really upset me. I just don't want anything to do with that side of the family at all. It's just too painful. What has my mother got to gain by keeping up this phoney relationship with her SIL and playing happy families like nothing's happened? Grrrr. This aunt has seen DD once - sneakily when I wasn't there and DD was at her house. Now she wants to arrange another meeting! NB this is coming from my mother, not my aunt. I'm sure my aunt couldn't care less, it's not as if she took any interest in me when I was a baby. I'm trying to be grown up about this but there are some family wounds that are just too deep to ever repair.

Have you ever writien to her ( when a child) and she has not replied
did she come round your house(when you were a kid) and ignore you?
did you go round her house as child ?

Maybe she stay away because of your father?
when did he see her? talk to her?

what kind of realationship did you have with her growing up and now why dont you send christmas cards ?

Then be firm with your mother.

What your aunt knew or didn't know, or how involved or not involved she was with you as a child or how much she cares or doesn't care - all irrelevant. Fact is that you don't want to invite a stranger into your life and pretend she's family. And that's your right.

Has she been in your life? No. Has there been any love? No. Has a relationship developed over years? No.

You may as well walk into Sainsburys, grab an old lady at random and say "We are going to be Family now" for all this aunt is to you.

I have the same sort of thing. Haven't had anything to do with my dad's side of the family since I was 16 and didn't feel the lurve much before that. They are nothing to me. My husband finds it baffling that I don't want to go find them and get close to them cos they're 'family'.

They're not family. They're people who share genes with you. It's not the same thing.

A stranger is a stranger. A name on a family tree means nothing.

You need to tell your mother to back off and stop trying to bully you or she'll find herself as out of your family as your aunt is. (not suggesting you cut her out, just that however you put it, you make her realise that you are an adult and she does not control you and you have only those people in your life that YOU want in it)

BabydollsMum - would writing and sending a few photos directly to your Aunt be to upsetting as well? As that cold be away of dealing with the natural interest but keeping them at arms length?

Other wise it really is making your mother do as you want - either by supervised visits or less contact with her.

Hecate YES! "You may as well walk into Sainsburys, grab an old lady at random and say "We are going to be Family now" for all this aunt is to you."

This is VERY weird behaviour on the part of your mother, and I suspect it has nothing whatsoever to do with you and your lack of relationship with your paternal family. It seems to me it is all about your mother, and how she wants to be perceived. Your daughter makes her a grandmother; accords her status, IYSWIM. Could she, in a convoluted subconscious way, be trying to demonstrate to her SIL that she is normal, has been successful in raising her family, and was not the one at fault for her husband's alcoholism/marriage breakdown/etc? Yes, I know I'm making massive and probably erroneous assumptions here, I'm just flailing around to find an explanation for your mother's behaviour, (especially as you say their relationship is at a Christmas card/occasional phonecall level. Why would she care what her SIL thought of her?)

YANBU, BTW. But forget the aunt, she is genuinely nothing to you. Concentrate on your mother and winkle out of her why she is doing this.

WhereYouLeftIt "massive and probably erroneous assumptions", no, nail on head. Absolutely.

Then you need to point out to her what she is doing and that it upsets you a good deal. If she can take it on board, apologise and not do this to you again, all well and good. If not - I personally would lay down the law - my daughter my rules, take it or leave it. She can look for her self-validation elsewhere.

If the aunt doesnt know the full story, then how could she have been sat back letting things happen?

Sorry but I am confused by that.

Squeaky toy, me too, but the op hadn't answered my questions about it.

I don't think we really have enough info to make a call at this point.

OP if your mother doesn't listen to you or you get upset trying to talk to her about your Aunt not having contact with your DD - write her a letter.

Somehow putting things in black and white means its harder to dismiss what what is being said.

squeakytoy does it really matter ? The OP doesn't want contact with her Aunt and doesn't want it for her DC she is not obliged to.

"This is VERY weird behaviour on the part of your mother"

Unfortuately it isn't. She is minimising what happened and may have convinced herself that as the OP has turned out alright, it wasn't that bad.

Her mum may have felt that she let the OP down and she is now doing exactly that, but if the OP agrres to this meeting, then it is further conformation that everything turned out well in the end, so no harm done.

There must have been reasons why the Aunt wasn't close when they were married and could it have been because she would not tolerate your Dad?

When my Dad died lots of friends and family tiurned up,saying that they 'didn't know' because they didn't have contact, but then go quiet when asked why they broke off contact.

There are threads on MN were posters are disowning abusive bullying relatives, even though they have young children. No doubt they will claim that 'they knew nothing'.

So they have all gone into denial, this is a way of appeasing guilt.

What Hecate said. Every word.

YADNBU...
I'm in a similar position, although my dad is still alive.
My parents divorced when I was 6mo, and although I saw him every Xmas and Birthday, that was it. None of his 6 siblings ever contacted me throughout my life. And because of that, none of my paternal family have met my DD.
I don't want her to go through the sporadic contact I had with my dad, with people who really have no bearing on her life at all. It's sad, but sometimes it's just how it works out.
Ultimately, it's your say, you're her mum

OP, I can really see what you are saying.

I think what strikes me is NOT that she wants a relationship with you, but that she wants one with your child, which feels manipulative. I agree it might be about your mother's pride. But she's discounting you in this and that is of course going to open up wounds.

I don't know if you could build a relationship with your aunt. It might actually be quite therapeutic for you in the end. But IMO if it's to happen, it has to be at your instigation, and a relationship with you first, not your baby.

...... sorry, to make clear. I don't think your aunt is being manipulative. But your mum may be. Or at least, I'd feel manipulated by her, in your position

Do don't be grown up about it. Let her see a sliver - just a sliver - of the way you really feel about this, and why, while at the same time avoiding embarrassing her (eg by calling their relationship phoney). Your mother has her ways of coping and you have yours. You don't have to agree to her demands.

you are the mum, you decide.
grandma has to butt out.