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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect DH to apply for jobs?

28 replies

bushymcbush · 13/07/2012 22:38

He has been out of work for 5 months. He has applied for the grand total of ...

1 job.

I am on maternity and the money is running out fast. We're up shit creek without a paddle.

So yesterday, when I asked him what jobs he had seen lately, he had a quick look and saw one that would really suit him. The deadline is Monday. I asked him last night if he'd applied. No. Was he going to? Answer too vague to discern meaning. Same thing tonight.

And do you know the most ridiculous thing? I haven't got the balls to pull him up about this. If he leaves a mess somewhere, or forgets to put any washing on etc, I am down on him like a tonne of bricks. But the important stuff - this, and his drinking - I don't know how to talk to him about it all.

I'm fucking miserable.

OP posts:
watermargin · 13/07/2012 22:40

oh I am sorry, I'm so not the best person to give advice here but I couldn't read and not reply, so sorry you are unhappy xx

RandomNumbers · 13/07/2012 22:42

ok

how old is the baby, do you have any other children?

He drinks, he cba to apply for jobs, how is your family unit managing for money?

do you love him?

you sound so sad and defeated Sad

Kayano · 13/07/2012 22:43

I was like this.

I wrote a heartfelt letter in the end
About what I was feeling and stuck it to his pc monitor. Broke the ice and he had a good chat.

If he claims JSA he should be actually applying for jobs and even if he doesn't claim then he should for your families sake

ReallyTired · 13/07/2012 22:47

Does he have depression? Are you worried about your husband's drinking? Do you think your husband would benefit from a visit to the doctor to get help with his drinking?

It must feel very hard for you at the moment.

Springforward · 13/07/2012 22:50

YABU.

Springforward · 13/07/2012 22:51

Sorry! Meant YANBU!! Blush

Original poster
bushymcbush · 13/07/2012 22:52

Our baby is 4 months and we have an almost 4 year old.

Yes, I am worried about his drinking.

OP posts:
Springforward · 13/07/2012 22:53

So, having got that MN faux pas over with... what's going on with him? Does he look for vacancies, or know where to look?

AgentZigzag · 13/07/2012 22:55

Could him looking for a job be such a big thing in his head that he's struggling to know where to start, knows he should and feels guilty, but just can't get started so drowns it out in alcohol?

He sounds like he's sliding downwards and crumbling under the pressure.

That's not to detract from the shit it's putting you through, but it's how to get him in a better place to want to look that's the important thing.

Why did his last job end?

Could that be part of the problem?

Original poster
bushymcbush · 13/07/2012 22:59

He doesn't appear to be depressed. He seems quite chipper usually. He knows where to look for jobs within his own profession but he is unwilling to just apply for any job to keep us going. And even those jobs in his profession, he hardly applies for any of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
bushymcbush · 13/07/2012 23:01

The alcohol has been a problem for far longer than the job situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
bushymcbush · 13/07/2012 23:03

His last job was a SAHD. That was out of necessity because i had a job and he had been unofficially sacked. (Unofficial because he was casually employed so no process was necessary)

Now I'm on maternity leave and he needs to find paid employment again.

OP posts:
Springforward · 13/07/2012 23:07

Hmm. I don't get the thing about not applying for jobs outside of a narrow range, probably because I have had to change career to stay in work. Does he have a good grasp on what he could do, outside of his work history?

KatherineKavanagh · 13/07/2012 23:13

Is he on JSA? And where is the money coming from for all this alcohol?

KingofHighVis · 13/07/2012 23:13

Coil you go back to work am he go back to being sahp?

joanofarchitrave · 13/07/2012 23:16

What KingofHighVis said?

Is he too much of a drunk to look after the kids safely though?

Original poster
bushymcbush · 13/07/2012 23:21

My dd is 4 months old, born premature so more like 3 months, and she is ebf. I am not going back to work yet - she needs me.

He doesn't claim JSA because I am employed.

OP posts:
larks35 · 13/07/2012 23:36

I'm sort of in a similar situation to you, have a 3 month old and a 3.5 year old, am on maternity myself but due to return to work next week Sad.

DP has been self-employed for a long time and is finding it really hard to get any work - one or two jobs here and there but nothing that we can rely on. He has applied for a few jobs but is really negative about the process even before he puts in the applications. I've actually written some for him.

I think that even though he wants to be the main earner in our household, he just can't let go of his self-employed "no-one tells me what to do" mentality. The upshot is if he hasn't got employment by September he will have to do some childcare for our DCs as my wage won't cover it all.

However, I don't personally feel that it should be DP who provides the money iykwim. I am fortunately in a profession that hasn't been hit too hard by this recession and pays enough for our family to live on. The only reason I've pushed DP to find work is that I know he'll be bored if he isn't working.

How do you feel about your DH continuing to be a SAHD while you provide the income?

Original poster
bushymcbush · 13/07/2012 23:44

How do you feel about your DH continuing to be a SAHD while you provide the income?

Honestly? I feel shit. I want to be a SAHM. I've wanted that my whole life. Not forever, just while the children are at home. I already had to go back to work when my older dd was only a year old because it was financially necessary. This is my last dc. My last chance to just enjoy being a mum for a few years. I want that chance. I know it's not for everyone, but I want it. And not being able to have it, not because dh can't get any work but because he can't be bothered to try hard enough to get any work ... well, it makes me very very frustrated.

OP posts:
larks35 · 13/07/2012 23:47

The drinking is a different problem and is definitely something you should confront him with. It is likely that he is a bit depressed and maybe bored and he drinks because of this. Maybe you should do a financial plan between you and point out that alcohol is too expensive on such a regular basis.

If he is going to become the SAHP then he needs to embrace this positively, he won't do that if he is constantly existing with a hangover I know this from experience

griphook · 13/07/2012 23:59

If you want to ba a sahm then you need to tell him to get out there and start looking, do you give him money for things?

larks35 · 14/07/2012 00:00

bushymcbush - I totally understand and although I put on a tough shell when people ask how I feel about returning to work when DD is only 3months, I actually feel like crying tbh. But, it is the only way our family can function atm.

Your DH needs to know how you feel. You also need to find out exactly what is going on with him, cos if he's drinking a lot there has to be some underlying problem. Can you get some time with him alone to talk this through properly? I know that ain't easy as once the kids are in bed you're probably knackered but this is something you need to address.

I hope things work for you.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2012 00:50

I would tell him if he can't support the family then he should piss off. You have supported him; he is just being lazy and selfish.

Jinsei · 14/07/2012 01:58

Could you both work PT? Sounds to me lime you both want to SAH, which isn't possible, so this might be a fair compromise?

I agree that baby needs you now, but when she's no longer ebf, neither of you really has a right to SAH. It's a question of negotiating what willwork for the whole family.

bragmatic · 14/07/2012 02:07

Do you love him? Do you want to grow old with him?

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