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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About friend who thinks I'm lucky because I get a break from my DS's because I'm divorced

59 replies

Jules666 · 13/07/2012 18:45

and they're at their dads.

So I'm sat here drinking wine, on my own as nobody to go out with, missing my boys and she thinks 'that I would understand if I were her and never got a break'

I've texted her back to say that she's got a husband in the house and can go and have a break and leave kids with hubby.

AIBU in thinking that it's not the same as being lonely and missing them when there's nothing you can do about it as they want to spend time with their dad.

Go on tell it to me straight. Am fortified with wine so can take it!

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 13/07/2012 20:04

You can pop round to mine if you like OP. I've got the kids though as ex is at a festival. I also never geta weekend off as ex works weekends. My life's a bowl of fucking cherries

mumblecrumble · 13/07/2012 20:09

Godh what a dreadful thing to say to a friend.

A divorced friend joked that she had a rest and I didn;t know what to say. I could see she was upset - I didnlt agree with her. it must be so hard to be the oly parent in the house,

You rock!

Your friedn doesnl;t rock so much

Original poster
Jules666 · 13/07/2012 20:09

Curryspice - would love to. Stocked up on wine yesterday so have 5 red and 2 white. Is that enough? Can't drive though as been cooking with wine (and drinking the rest! hic)

OP posts:
Original poster
Jules666 · 13/07/2012 20:11

thanks mumblecrumble. although to be fair I was the only parent in the house when married at exh was pretty clueless!!

OP posts:
youarekidding · 13/07/2012 20:17

jules I understand. My closest friend is married and her DH works late so she is understanding - which helps a great deal.

She leaves her DH with her kids sometimes and comes over. Sometimes I'll go there for a drink and food with them both with DS and stay over.

I think situations are helped by having supportive friends - not necessarily what the situation is. (my DS doesn't go to his dads).

HMthequeen Shock just Shock

jubilucket · 13/07/2012 20:23

I know what you mean about being too knackered to go out, someone said upthread... I've promised to help at the local Jazz Festival tonight, ten till midnight, am now wondering why that seemed a good idea.

CurrySpice · 13/07/2012 20:35

Get a cab. I'm on painkillers and shouldn't really drink but seeing as I have company...

DialsMavis · 13/07/2012 20:35

I loved my free time when I was a lone parent, I really miss it now I have a new DP and DC.

gordyslovesheep · 13/07/2012 20:37

Curry I'll come round to yours any time you FOXY lady ;)

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/07/2012 20:41

Your friend knows your personal situation, and should have some idea of how how you feel so she should have been more sensitive.

But speaking more generally, it can be great to be in a position where you get regular time to yourself safe in the knowledge that your children are with the one other person in the world who loves them as much as you do.

I liked being a single Mum, but then I always had the support of my ex because he was a great Dad and we shared parenting. When we were together I had the option of going out, but I valued time alone in my house just as much. Now that I'm remarried I love being able to have family time and proper couple time regularly when our DC are with their Dad. If anyone told me they thought I was lucky to be in this position, I'd agree with them 100%.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 13/07/2012 20:42

ShockSad at HM

Some people, it seems, are just so blinkered they cannot see beyond their own experiences.

But as much as I think YANBU, it's probably a discussion best reserved until you're no longer under the influence, so to speak. Wait until you're away from the wine before you tell your friend what an idiot she's being.

CurrySpice · 13/07/2012 20:43

Wine's in the fridge gordy, wine's in the fridge... :o

nailak · 13/07/2012 20:47

i think since I have been in this house (over 3 years) there has only been one time where I have been in it alone with no kids, that is when dh took them to the park for an hour.

gordyslovesheep · 13/07/2012 20:51

woohooo Grin

dolallylass · 13/07/2012 21:00

YANBU! Hate it when my DCs are at their dads but also now they are getting older they are always out but back about 9 which is too early for me to have a night out. I need half a life to fill in gaps of when they don't need me!Confused

MotherOfSuburbia · 13/07/2012 21:02

My DH works away a lot and gets in pretty late when he's in town so I'm on my own with 4DC most of the time. Every now and then when I'm tired and grumpy I let myself think that I'm like a single mum. But then I think about my friends who really are doing it alone and pull my socks up! My DH is working a lot to provide an income for the family. Single mums have to do this all on their own. They are responsible for all the stuff I have to do, and the rest as well. Hats off to them, I say.

ToothbrushThief · 13/07/2012 21:04

knowitall sums it up for me. I found marriage to a manchild, lazy, detached, spendthrift my ex very lonely but also mega stressy as I worked full time, spent my days with people demanding things and my hometime with 4 people demanding from me (one being the ex!)

When we split I did find it hard to start with but quickly made plans and would walk (with ipod :)) and dog for miles after they'd left. Then I'd open a bottle and stay up late and wake late and then amble shopping or watch a film...read a book. It was bliss

Then he stopped seeing them. I resented doing it all again. It is lonely and never ending as a lone parent. I'm also poor

He has now made approaches to have them again in very unsuitable circumstances I do not feel the DC would be safe or loved so cannot relax or let them go happily. So I've passed through several stages.

HM - I'm speechless - now that is insensitive and outright rude

kinkyfuckery · 13/07/2012 21:07

YANBU.

I am constantly being told that I am "lucky" that I get a break from my DCs, and child maintenance. Yes, because £35 a week goes so far when I'm doing NOTHING on the Wednesday overnight he has them before dropping them off at 9am on the Thursday! Getting a couple of hours undisturbed sleep really makes up for the fact that it takes DAYS to bring them back down and into routine after he's had them. Having a shitty fucking time with the kids through the day is SOOO much easier when I know that a week from now I can hand them over to their father for a few hours, totally makes up for not having someone coming in that evening that can even let me pop to the shop in peace.

Being a single parent and having to deal with sharing them with an (asshole) ex is such a fucking breeze of a life!

JeezyPeeps · 13/07/2012 21:48

For me, being on my own is easier than being with their dad. I never got time to myself - never. Now I do and I love it!

I have an arsehole ex. I get no money from him for the kids, and I might have to take him to court to sell the joint property. But if a friend of mine was to say the same to me as your friend said to you, I'd have to agree.

I realise not everyone feels like I do, but then again you don't know how it feels to be your friend - maybe, like it is for me, being a single parent would be the better option.

NowThenWreck · 13/07/2012 22:19

Weeell, flame me if you must, but having joint custody doesn't seem so bad to me.
I have a friend who has joint custody, and she has 3 nights week when she can have her boyfriend over, go out, pursue her hobby etc.
I think the problem here is that you need to build your own life up a bit more.
So dc's are at dads? Look into what you can use your time to do when you do have this free time.
I have few friends where I live now, but if I had more cash/babysittng I would go on citysocialising.com and find people to take a dance class with or go to a gig, or just a drink.
In some ways joint custody can be the bets of both worlds. There are single parents and single parents.
Nothing lonelier than being home alone on a friday night? Welcome to my world!(Every Friday night, not to mention the other 6 days)
I am not getting into competitive misery here btw-your life is what you make it in some respects, and when I have a bit more money coming in I will shore up an army of babysitters and have social life again. You can do this NOW.

ImperialBlether · 14/07/2012 00:06

So you'd be happy to only see your children three nights a week, NowThenWreck?

I counted myself lucky in that my ex didn't have them to sleep over - he did once and the house seemed so empty. And it's hard to find people to go out with on the spur of the moment who are single and fancy free and happen to be free right then.

I think if you have a good husband you are incredibly lucky. When they're teenagers you will get all the sleep you want and more, but to share every day with someone you love is the loveliest thing.

nixnjj · 14/07/2012 01:55

I used to envy people who had free time when their kids where with their dad's, my ex has no involvement and in 8 years I've had the grand total of 3 evenings out, however I soon learnt that I was lucky not to have to spend Christmas or holidays apart or a ex who could use contact as a weapon etc. I'm still struggling with envy of people who get maintenance. I can't wait for the teenage years and I can stay in y room and grunt back at him.

I find the trick to happiness is to be grateful for what you do have and when someone says something stupid to feel sorry for their ignorance.

PenisVanLesbian · 14/07/2012 02:05

What do you want, a competitive misery event? No, its not the same, but you don't automatically win the "my life is worse" badge either.

NowThenWreck · 14/07/2012 09:39

No imperial. My friend has her son 4 nights, her ex who lives nearby has him 3 days. He is 10. It's not set in stone, they swap days sometimes, do birthdays etc all together, so it works fine.

Yep, I would be OK with that.

NowThenWreck · 14/07/2012 09:47

Also, that was kind of the point of my post Imperial, the bit about people to go out with at the last minute. You really do need to plan.
I always get frustrated when my mum offers to babysit on the spur of the moment, because I haven't made plans, but I still like being able to stay up late, play my music etc.
I just asked my friend with shared custody if she misses her ds and she got a bit Blush and said no! She has an all consuming hobby (which may become a career) and a man and a full life. She is also lucky in that her ex is great, and I am aware that makes all the difference, because she can trust him.

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