To run for the hills when my baby is born!

[Signet2012]

Will try keep this brief.

Im 33 weeks pregnant, my mother lives within walking distance of me and we do not have a great relationship. No arguments as such but a herd of big elephant in the room at all times. To summarise: I am the demon child, spent my childhood feeling second best to DB, never really close to DM. When parents divorced I went with DF which DM was not expecting, she stopped talking to me/communication broke down for 2 years. Started speaking again but very false, unnatural relationship. She makes me feel like I am 6 and very passive aggressive which I tend to ignore. Very bitter lady about EVERYTHING. Can't be pleased for others, always the victim, always the martyr. Never been out in public with her, never done nice mother daughter things, despite me asking.

Anyway, as I said Im 33 weeks pg and since my pregnancy DM has literally stalked me. Round all the time, texting all the time. To begin with I wondered if she was trying to get a "normal mother daughter relationship" with me and I was very happy, thinking finally! I have come to realise that she still is not interested in me but only the fact I am having a baby that she is the "maternal Grandmother" and therefore this gives her rights.

She wants to be at the birth - no way. Apparently this is me being silly and everyone wants their mum in labour. I have a perfectly decent DP who is a massive support who will be there, I do not need nor want my mum. I told her this, she rolled her eyes and said well we will see.

She thinks I am being selfish for breastfeeding because she won't be able to have the baby.

She wants to be the first visitor, despite their only been a 2 hour visiting gap and the baby will essentially have 3 sets of grandparents, PIL, DF DSM, DM, SD. I am very close to my DSM and apparently she should not be invited to be first set of visitors because she isn't a real grandparent.

She seems to think she will be coming round every day to sit with her grand daughter so I can "get on"

During pregnancy she has on one hand dictated what I should and shouldn't be doing. Ie I shouldn't be carrying the hoover upstairs. But if I mention any concerns I have (which I should be able to surely to my own mum?) Then I am being silly and I am only pregnant.

All the advise that I tell her I have recieved she rolls her eyes and says its not like that, when I had you... (this was 30 years ago!)

This has turned into an epic rant sorry!!!!

DP says we should move! :)
I know I need to woman up and get her told to back off but something, and I don't know what makes this impossible for me to do!

Any words of wisdom from lovely MNetters? Am I being ridiculous?

Omg I'd move house

YANBU could your DP speak to her? Perhaps say you are feeling pressured by her 'plans' and don't wont to commit to anything pre-baby.

Or write her a letter / email? My mum doesn't listen, ever. The one time she did was when I wrote down exactly how I felt an emailed it to her.

No other advice, please try and relax and concentrate on you and bump for the next few weeks

She sounds like a nightmare. You need to decide now how much you can put up with and go with that. Having someone around to help, even if they're a pain in the arse, can be great when you have a tiny baby but only if they give the right sort of help, which usually means running around after mum while mum cuddles baby. I get the impression that your mother is more likely to hog the baby and make you feel pushed out, am I right?

That's likely yes. It's such a hard situation! Moving does feel like the only option !

Not ridiculous at all. YANBU on so many levels :)
I didn't want my Mum at the births of my DC's, they came later on when I was feeling up to it. Put in your birth plan that DP and only DP will be present and ask the midwives to enforce this if necessary.
As for the rest of it, Having a MIL who os almost exactly the same all I can say is if you can't be straight with her, be vague or rude. If she starts the "in my day" crap laugh and say "things have changed since then", don't tell her any concerns (sad but necessary), and have plans to be out or unavailable as much as possible.

We moved after my PILs moved in around the corner.

We have a difficult relationship with them (now actually a non-existent relationship with them) and there was no way setting ground rules or having an adult conversation would have done anything to fix the problems. These are people who would cry if we walked passed their house to go to the shop and didn't visit them as well.

If you think she will listen then I think you need to speak to her and tell her how you feel, that you understand she is excited but you need to do things you way and that your stepmother is every bit as much a grandparent to your child.

If you don't think she will listen, move!

Everyone always wants to come and 'help' with the baby and most of them mean they want to sit on your sofa for a few hours having cuddles while you provide them with tea and sandwiches.

YANBU. I didn't want my mum at either of my births and we have a pretty good relationship.

I think you and DP are either going to have to tell her straight, no, this is your baby, NOT hers, you will dictate to her not the other way round.....

.....or move.

Well, easier said than done, but if you don´t get on I wouldn´t bother with her.

Not cut contact, just see her when you want.

Everyone wants their mum when in labour-HAHHAHAHA!!

I personally couldn´t think of anything worse-I suppose she had her mum with her?

Sounds as if she would be no help at all-she´s supposed to do the "getting on" so that you can relax/sleep/bond etc.

And of course you might not actually need any help.

Newborns sleep a lot & it is possible to work for some of the time that they do & sleep for the rest of it!

And you have a husband-he´ll be able to cook & clean-it doesn´t all fall to you!

Move.

No, everyone does NOT want their mums there for labour. I love my mother. If she'd desperately wanted to be there, I might have considered it. Thankfully, she didn't. :) She told me how she had an epidural and read a book while she was in labour with me.

Thanks all. We have such a difficult relationship, its so hard to say your opinion to someone who constantly turns you into the b*stard. It would be poor hard done by DM, what has she done that is so bad even her own daughter turns on her.

Through my entire life she has picked me up and dropped me and I fall for it every time!

DP is very nice and will tell her if needed but is reluctant to do so because he knows what she is like!

I wouldn't mind half as much if she just was not so nasty about everyone and so bitter. Every time I see her she can't help but get a sly dig in against my dad. They divorced 15 years ago FGS!

She is so preoccupied with not being outdone. Dad has bought the baby a fair bit, I didn't ask him too, he wanted to. DM constantly goes on about this and how she hopes he isnt going to take over etc. DM actually has more money that DF so its not that she feels she is unable, she just doesn't want to, which is fine, but there is no need to be so mean about my DF! SHE will be the only one baby sitting, apparently. Now DM has quite severe mobility issues and it is completely unrealistic that she can push a pram safely or run around after a toddler!

But what if you move and she follows?....

I guess you could start by sending her away if she just turns up-tell her it´s not convenient & she needs to arrange with you first.

Don´t answer the door if you know it´s her?

Change the subject if she goes on about what your dad has bought/walk away?

She can't follow if she doesn't know the address!

I think I am quite reluctant to open my mouth because we both know there is a big elephant in the room and has been for the last 15 years. If I finally snap and give her the lot then it is highly likely that will be the last time we speak for some time.

It is so tiring!

I do love her and I would love nothing more than to have a normal relationship with her where we go for coffee, and spend time with each other but to be honest I don't think that will ever happen now, simply because I am always aware that she will change again and then its the rejection all over again. Which sounds pathetic at nearly 30!

She does have a very different view on my childhood than what I do, infact I think she has lied to herself that many times that she believes her own version now. Don't get me wrong, my childhood was fine but that bond was not there. Everyone even grandparents could see that there was a very definite difference between DB and I in her eyes. I think thats why I revert back to child mode when I am with her!

Christ those hills would be looking pretty tempting by now....
Just move....

"then it is highly likely that will be the last time we speak for some time."-result!

But good for you for realising the relationship will never(?) be as you want it.

As is said-you can´t change the person-just how you react to them.

Will this be her first GC btw?

If so-will it get pushed aside if your brother ever has any?

She knows I am in because she can see the car from her house!

I am stubbornly independant so I don't really want help when the baby gets here. I want to find my own way and do it my way. My dad and Step mum are very practical and will pop in when asked or invited but they would make me a cuppa and do anything I needed.

DM on the other hand will walk in screeching "where is my grand daughter" talk to her in a voice that is like nails down a blackboard, whether she is awake or asleep, pick fault with whatever the house is like - too clean, too dirty, If I am dressed, if the dog is too close, demand tea and biscuits.

Argh! Where are those Hills!?

Sell the car/park out of her sight

But seriously-why does the car being there mean that you are in?

Could you not have gone for a walk anywhere?

Try ignoring the door a few times-see if she gets the hint!

I think you have to lay it down for her, what you expect from her and how you expect her to behave. Say she's always welcome to visit but she must phone first in case you are busy/going out. That way it gives you some control.

If she doesn't like hearing these things then it's going to be move or just cut her out. She can make out to be a martyr but the people who matter will know the truth of the situation.

No she has another 1, my DB child but his relationship broke down with the mother when she was pg so although we see plenty of his child she was not involved as much but even his kid moans when she has to go see my DM!

I am hoping the novelty will wear off but I think its more how close I am to her, she can't walk far at all and needs aids to walk and I am just close enough (200 metres or so) from her house.

DB funnily enough can tell her where to go etc and its all accepted! He tells her on my behalf occasionally if he has witnessed something but she has skin like a rhino!

Its my car. DP works from home so is always in and I have SPD so she knows I won't be walking anywhere!

I have tried not to answer the door before but when you look out and she is stood with her bloody sticks, bright red in the face from the exertion of walking - I can't not let her in!

DP is sorting visiting out in the hospital. He couldn't really care less if he is made out to be the bastard and to be fair I don't think she would challenge him - its just me she knows she can do that to. She knows the car is getting parked up when baby comes because we can't afford to run it so I will be able to pretend I am out of it gets too much!

Hopefully I will be wrong and she will be a dream but Im glad to see I am not being stupid!

It's nice that your DB is normal and will tell her!!

I think moving is a good option, or not answering the door!!

Don't tell her when you go into labour. Then she can't hassle to be at the birth and it will be over before she knows anything, and she can't demand to be in the first 'wave' of visitors.

As for the rest just be firm... Although it is a bit of a pain that she lives so close!

I think you have to tell her to phone first-or better still-that you will phone her as you might be resting/sleeping-pissed off with your SPD & not want company.

Also-limit the time-again for the same reasons-you want to rest etc.

I think it´s usual to worry about these things even if you don´t have a difficult relationship.

You just don´t know how the birth will affect you physically & how you will feel for the first few years days/weeks.

You have my sympathy, YANBU!

Do not tell her when you go into labour, get your DP to ring or text her after the baby is born and you're up to having visitors. This is your first DC and you really don't need the stress of her butting in.

The rest of your troubles I can't really help with.... but... I will say that when I was pregnant with DS he was the PFB grandchild and my mum went into overdrive during those 9 months - bought stack of baby clothes, toys, other baby kit etc and talked about my pregnancy to everyone she knew (even to the women behind the till in the bank or shop!). When DS was born she was all biz for a few weeks but it soon wore off. He's now 2.5 years old and although she'll mind him for an hour if I have an appt or something the last time she did anything with him - such as take him in the car, to the park etc - was over a year ago :(

Sometimes people for all their flapping and fussing during the pregnancy period just are all talk and no action.

I think you need to let her come round for a visit, DH should act as gatekeeper and tell her to go when you give him the eye.
Then you tell her that you will be having some bedding in time alone (a week?) and you'll contact her when you are up for more visits.