To run for the hills when my baby is born!

[Signet2012]

Will try keep this brief.

Im 33 weeks pregnant, my mother lives within walking distance of me and we do not have a great relationship. No arguments as such but a herd of big elephant in the room at all times. To summarise: I am the demon child, spent my childhood feeling second best to DB, never really close to DM. When parents divorced I went with DF which DM was not expecting, she stopped talking to me/communication broke down for 2 years. Started speaking again but very false, unnatural relationship. She makes me feel like I am 6 and very passive aggressive which I tend to ignore. Very bitter lady about EVERYTHING. Can't be pleased for others, always the victim, always the martyr. Never been out in public with her, never done nice mother daughter things, despite me asking.

Anyway, as I said Im 33 weeks pg and since my pregnancy DM has literally stalked me. Round all the time, texting all the time. To begin with I wondered if she was trying to get a "normal mother daughter relationship" with me and I was very happy, thinking finally! I have come to realise that she still is not interested in me but only the fact I am having a baby that she is the "maternal Grandmother" and therefore this gives her rights.

She wants to be at the birth - no way. Apparently this is me being silly and everyone wants their mum in labour. I have a perfectly decent DP who is a massive support who will be there, I do not need nor want my mum. I told her this, she rolled her eyes and said well we will see.

She thinks I am being selfish for breastfeeding because she won't be able to have the baby.

She wants to be the first visitor, despite their only been a 2 hour visiting gap and the baby will essentially have 3 sets of grandparents, PIL, DF DSM, DM, SD. I am very close to my DSM and apparently she should not be invited to be first set of visitors because she isn't a real grandparent.

She seems to think she will be coming round every day to sit with her grand daughter so I can "get on"

During pregnancy she has on one hand dictated what I should and shouldn't be doing. Ie I shouldn't be carrying the hoover upstairs. But if I mention any concerns I have (which I should be able to surely to my own mum?) Then I am being silly and I am only pregnant.

All the advise that I tell her I have recieved she rolls her eyes and says its not like that, when I had you... (this was 30 years ago!)

This has turned into an epic rant sorry!!!!

DP says we should move! :)
I know I need to woman up and get her told to back off but something, and I don't know what makes this impossible for me to do!

Any words of wisdom from lovely MNetters? Am I being ridiculous?

You may well let it all out if you start to try to talk to her about it but it will be easier to do this sooner rather than later, then at least you both have the chance to recover some sort of interaction before the baby arrives. You will also be more free to begin the relationship with your daughter without the elephant walking into the room with your Mum and you being on edge.

The blowout is likely to be greater after the baby arrives as her interest in your baby will be more hurtful if you have not explained how you feel. She is unlikely to change but as someone else said, you can change how you react to her. Take control and allow yourself to be an adult in this relationship.

Well as I'm sure you're aware, she has 0 rights. Next time she comes out with just that, tell her to do one. It's ok to say that, you are pregnant after all

Yes, I'd defiantely move of possible it sounds like she will suffocate you and your baby which will do you and your family no good at all. If you were close to her I'd not be siding with your DP, I'd be saying to talk to her properly and tell her how you feel. But I have a hunch that'd be a waste of time on your part.

FGS do not tell when you go in to labour! Infact I wouldn't tell her baby has been born until you want to see her. You need to enjoy those first few days or however long with a new baby, you'll regret it if it all gets bulldozered by your mum who by the sounds of it, wants a second chance to have a mother/daughter bond. except this baby isn't her daughter and it's her loss that she didnt have that bond with you.

As far as her thinking she's going to come round every single day to see her granddaughter I'd simply draw the curtains and not answer the door to her.

All really helpful replies thanks so much. A friend of mine said the other day "at least you have a mum" (hers died before her PFB was born) and it made me feel very guilty for moaning about her!

DP has said he will phone her when he needs to and not before :)

I think we will have to have a talk at some point, because otherwise its just going to carry on for another 30 years.

With DP working from home I do intend on being up and out a fair bit with the pram to get the baby some air and to get some fat off me so hpefully she will learn I am not going to be sat at home waiting for her!