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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think mil is cruel for offering dd things she cant have?

37 replies

familyfun · 13/07/2012 14:13

ils going on hols tomorrow for a week.
mil said to dd1 (5) "do you want to come on your holidays with nanny and grandad" come to the seaside and have icecreams and lots of fun"
dd looked confused so i said "dd you are coming on holiday with us soon arent you so you'll get your icecream and trips to the sea then".

ils have never asked us if they can take dd on holiday, we wouldnt let them as they arent reliable and dd is at school for another week, i thionk its cruel to ask dd to go on a holiday that she isnt invited on, cant go on and they probably would have said no if she had wanted to as they are elderly.

they took their other grandchildren away regularly from the age of 2 and have told us this but never asked to take ours.

they dont use seatbelts, have a bounding dog all over the back seats of the car, cant walk more than 5 mins without a sit down, dont like the sand, dont like crowds, argue all the time, are rascist, sexist and mainly watch tv and eat chips on hols so hardly a holiday for a 5 yr old anyway.

aibu?

OP posts:

Coconutty · 13/07/2012 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatWouldMargoDo · 13/07/2012 14:19

was it a serious question? because i would not be happy with someone inviting my child like this without discussing it with me first. so she is bu. if it was a joke, she is also bu.

she sounds generally u, but i'm confused about why you put the bit that sounds like a complaint about them never taking your dc away when they took their other gc away (were they a lot younger then?) because it sounds like you don't want them to anyway.

tryingtoleave · 13/07/2012 14:23

I think she was sounding you out.

Original poster

familyfun · 13/07/2012 14:26

im not sure if she was joking and dd certainly wasnt sure.
as i say i think if dd has said ok then , she would have backtracked as they arent capable and dd would need lots of looking after and ruin their holiday.

im not complaining they havent took mine away, i dont want them too, we have hols as a family not apart, but i think they remember taking the other grandkids they were in 50s then so could cope.

if they wanted to invite her, they should have asked us and not infront of dds.

OP posts:

MissFaversam · 13/07/2012 14:26

Yeah, sounds like an invite to me and you chose to ignore it due to not liking them.

MissFaversam · 13/07/2012 14:27

How do you know she would have back tracked?

Trills · 13/07/2012 14:29

She is BU to invite your DD to something in a sideways manner without checking with you first.

Original poster

familyfun · 13/07/2012 14:45

its not that i dont like them, but they see dd for an hour a week most and cancel due to illness / tiredness at least once a month, they have never babysat and we have never asked as they arent capable, ie cant carry dd2 upstairs or lift her from cot, so dd1 doesnt see enough of them to go on holiday with them.
they also arent safety conscious, like no seat belts, tablets everywhere, dog on beds, swearing, rascism, sexcism, loud argueing all the time.
dp wouldnt let them take dds anywhere and they are his parents.

just think she shouldnt have asked a 5yr old that, joking or otherwise, its like offering sweets that cant be eaten.

OP posts:

Flobbadobs · 13/07/2012 14:46

I think you inadvertently declined an invite. She was being very U to say it like that though without talking to you first.

Hawise · 13/07/2012 14:49

Familyfun - I think you are right. I think it is highly unlikely pil really wanted to take your dd on their holiday. As you said they were much younger when they took their other grandchildren, if they really wanted to take your dd I think they would have asked properly. It was probably your mil just hankering for the old days.
I don't blame you for being irritated. My mil does something similar. She lives in a different country and she always tells my children that they should come visit her(or live with her) and she will take them to the beach and amusement park everyday. When she knows we are going to visit my family she'll go into overdrive "Why don't you come here instead, you can do what you want, I will take you where you want" sort of things.
It's fine when they get older(after 8) as I can explain that it's just something she says but does not mean, less easy when they are younger and believe every word of it.
When we do go and visit, she doesn't bother with any of these outings, just whinges and moans so really don't know why she does it really.

Original poster

familyfun · 13/07/2012 14:49

i think she wants dd to go but hasnt thought it through and didnt ask us first.

she often talks to us through dd iykwim, like she gives dd some sweets and dp puts them away till after dinner or for another day if she has already had some, and mil will keep saying "dd wheres your sweets, ask your dad for your sweets, have you ate your sweets yet" despite dp telling her he is putting them away till later.

OP posts:

MammaTJ · 13/07/2012 14:52

I think whether joking or meaning it, she is BU! No doubt about that.

You handled it very well, by distracting your DD with talk of your holiday!!

RichTeas · 13/07/2012 15:45

No seat belts? Are there still people out there that are that stupid?

naturalbaby · 13/07/2012 15:50

No seat belts - yes, I regularly see idiots adults in the back seat of cars with very small children on their knee, or standing at the back in the middle leaning over between the driver and passenger seats.

OP - I have a feeling one of my relatives will do this one day and will be ready to pounce in an instant to laugh it off so they don't get the wrong idea (relative or DC's). However I do it to one of my DC's - offer to pack him off to granny's house for the night. He knows we're joking and I quickly tell him I want to keep him all to myself etc etc so it won't happen just yet.

Floggingmolly · 13/07/2012 15:55

She was inviting your dd. Why do you say if your dd had accepted the offer,she would have backtracked? .
Does she have form for doing this?

badtime · 13/07/2012 16:07

YABU to think she was being cruel.She was probably just being thoughtless.
YABU to bring up the fact that they had taken their other grandchildren on holiday but 'never asked to take [yours]' when this is clearly what just happened.

YANBU to prefer that your child does not go on holiday with her elderly grandparents if you think they will struggle to look after her. Or if you're worried she'll catch racism etc.

MrsTrellisOfSouthWales · 13/07/2012 16:11

My mother does stuff like this, but she is deludedly thinking that, despite only ever having supervised access to the DC, that we would let (only) DD stay in a tent, by herself, in their back garden. You know, the one with a huge un-netted tent, that backs onto a main road (small fence) and no side gate.

Somehow saying "I don't think so" is so unfair and I'm the bad guy

fluffyraggies · 13/07/2012 16:11

OP my ex's parents used to do this to my DCs when they were little. They would tell them all about the wonderful trips they took their other GCs on and even sat my DCs down once and showed them a great pile of photos of the holiday they had just taken their other GCs on to Disneyland. This was on a year we couldn't afford a family holiday and i can remember thinking it was being a bit cruel to rub their noses in it like that.

They never once tried to follow through with the vague promises of trips away with them that they made my kids :(

It is very exasperating. I used to get angry but could never really express my feelings as, like you, there were allot of good reasons why i wouldn't want them to have taken my kids away with them anyway! I just hated the unfairness of it all really.

So i don't think you're being U.

hectorthestandbyhawk · 13/07/2012 16:20

Your MIL was just talking idly/ or sounding you out. Either way she demonstrated a shocking lack of empathyfor the position she put you in and the confusion this willhave caused your dd. People like this seriously annoy me. My mil does it. Now dd's 6 she kind of gets it which makes it easier.

JumpingThroughHoops · 13/07/2012 16:39

What does your DP say about his parents taking his child on holiday?

firawla · 13/07/2012 16:42

She is bu. My mum does this too, keeps saying to my son about dont u want to come on holidays to stay with granny etc. I have made it clear on several occasions that it wont be happening at all, so why keep saying it just to confuse the child

Flisspaps · 13/07/2012 16:45

Jumping OP has said her DP would'nt want his parents taking the children anywhere.

dillnameddog · 13/07/2012 16:51

My mum says this sort of thing all the time. I just ignore it most of the time, and occasionally contradict her.

It's really an expression of how much they want to spend time with your dc, which is nice (but agree it is annoying too!)

Gumby · 13/07/2012 16:51

Honestly

You're moaning they've never babysat

But you've never asked them & you say they're incapable anyway

So they're damned if they do, damned if they dont

Original poster

familyfun · 13/07/2012 21:07

i dont want them to babysit, i dont want them to take dd anywhere as i dont trust their judgement and i dont want them to take her on holiday, nor does dp.

im not moaning about them not doing enough, they do plenty within their capabilities/illnesses and dds both adore them.

i only mention them taking the other grandkids (over 10 years ago) as i think they wish they had this closeness with ours, babysitting all the time, taking them on daytrips all the time, holidays each year from toddlerhood.

yes youre right, maybe not cruel, but thoughtless infront of a 5 yr old.

i think if we said, oh great yes take dd on holiday tomorrow, here is all her clothes, she needs 3 meals a day, sleep early evening, will be up at 6am every day no matter what time you keep her up till, cannot watch horror movies, hates dogs, likes to walk/run/climb/chat endlessly, does not like watching movies all day and drinking tea, they would realise that they didnt want to take her after all. oh and dd2 would be screaming for the whole week her big sis was missing.

OP posts:

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