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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want another child

31 replies

kmdwestyorks · 13/07/2012 10:12

I have a beautiful DD (3years), but she's an only child, an only niece and an only grandchild. And for now that means she's centre of all our lives and has a long list of people who she loves and is confident in their love for her (even with me as the draconian mother who insistes she learns to share and DGP's are kept in chocolate check...).

But I get so scared for her future when we're all gone, my family is really important to me. My sister is my best friend, my parents are great. I couldn't imagine getting through life without the love and support of a family but she'll be alone one day. The extra opportunities she gets as an only child can't make up for being an only child can they.

I want her to have a sibling so much but DP (soon to be DH) is older(53) and had a vasectomy long before we met. We can work round one but the age remains and probably knocks out any chance to even adopt a child.

i thought if i just put extra effort in to making sure she socialised with other children and learned the value of friendships she'd be fine. Only time will tell if that works

But i can't stop feeling like i've done something terrible to her and it's breaking my heart.

I don't know anyone who's an only child. If you are, please tell me you have a happy life! Tell me i ABU!

OP posts:

Trills · 13/07/2012 10:14

YABU to think you've done something terrible to her, yes. Stop being so silly.

Plenty of people are only children and are fine. Plenty of people have siblings but don't get along or don't see each other much or just don't have anything in common.

mistlethrush · 13/07/2012 10:17

I am an only child and I had a great time - I never wanted siblings when I was growing up - never occurred to me. Truth be told, I was probably better off without siblings as it meant that I had more of my parents' time and attention - and available resources didn't have to stretch so far. I think I only really thought of the issues when we started TTC and things didn't go easily - DH's brother (with whom he gets on fine but isn't 'close') managed to have 2 children before we managed eventually to have DS, despite us planning it the other way round (DH is older than his brother and we married and started TTC before they did etc).

I desperately wanted another child. However, its not to be, and DS will be an only. He's 7. I hope that we'll manage to get through without him feeling the responsibility of being an only, like my parents did.

We don't have any issues regarding sociability etc - he's got lots of friends which is good.

AMumInScotland · 13/07/2012 10:21

She won't be alone - she will most likely have a partner and children of her own long before you are gone, plus she can develop as wide a circle of friends as she wants in her life.

It's ok to "grieve" for the possibility of other children, when you realise that for whatever reason there just aren't going to be any more. But just allow yourself to feel a little sad and move on - don't let yourself get bogged down in these feelings. You haven't harmed her by giving her life and love.

(Mother of an 18yo old only who seems to be doing fine on it...)

Kayano · 13/07/2012 10:21

I am an awesome only child

Original poster

kmdwestyorks · 13/07/2012 10:31

Thanks (i think it must be the lack of sleep from DP snoring last night and impending PMT) i wouldn't normally be such a wet blanket, it did just really hit me hard this morning.

I know lots of siblings don't get on and i've read the research that only children aren't disadvantaged at all and in fact are often happier and more confident.

DD just talks about sisters and brothers all the time and she was playing at being my big sister last night.

[sense of calm and normality returning]

OP posts:

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 13/07/2012 10:48

I'm an only, and I have a wonderful loving family in my dh and my children. My dh is also an only, and we actually quite like that it's just us in our generation. It feels special.

When I was younger I used to want a sibling, but not having one hasn't done me any harm at all.

AMumInScotland · 13/07/2012 10:54

At 3 they do talk about brothers and sisters, because they see that others have them. But they'll equally talk about dogs/rabbits/cars/televisions if other people have those and they don't, so please don't let yourself think she's "missing out" by not having them, it's just that she is describing and interpreting the world in her own little way. The emotion about it is yours, not hers.

And as I said, it's ok to feel a complicated mix of things about it, but that doesn't mean it's a problem for you or for her.

ThisIsAUsername · 13/07/2012 11:28

YANBU to want another child, no. I am in the same position as you, our DD is 3 and I would love another. I am the youngest of 7 children, my family is huge, and DH has a huge Italian family too. But even though I was and still am extremely close to my family, DH was never that bothered by his and always fought with his sister growing up (they love each other now though and we socialise together a lot) So he always mentions this when I say she needs someone to grow up with, play with on rainy days, annoy when she's older, look after each other when we're gone etc.

It breaks my heart to think that there's a possibility she won't have what I had growing up. But I also know that she has had a fantastic life so far, is surrounded by people who adore her, and is so far showing no ill effects of being an only child :)

ApolloSmintheus · 13/07/2012 11:31

I need to be kept in "chocolate check".

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 11:35

"I want her to have a sibling so much but DP (soon to be DH) is older(53) and had a vasectomy long before we met"

So he isnt her birth father then? Does she have contact with her birth dad? Has he got or likely to have more children himself?

Acekicker · 13/07/2012 11:44

it doesn't work like this....I'm an only, child of onlies and they each had a parent who was an only. We've all coped just fine without a bunch of people we're related to - whenever our lives have been tough (and for my parents this has included dealing with aged/dying parents at the other end of the country) we've all had support, love, people we can sob to at 2 in the morning - it's just come from people we don't share DNA with.

pinkdelight · 13/07/2012 11:53

Squeakytoy - I was going to ask just the same thing. Or has the DP/soon-to-be-DH not got children from a previous relationship who are now step-siblings?

WitchityBroom · 13/07/2012 12:15

I am an only child and I'm fine. I've had the same amazing group of friends since I was about ten and they're like sisters to me. I have a brilliant husband who has always been there for me throughout our ten year relationship and I, of course, have my parents. I NEVER feel alone or without support.

It's not just me either: my dad is an only child and he is a happy man surrounded by friends and family, as is my MIL who is an incredibly gregarious person who I doubt has ever been lonely.

Please don't worry. Encourage your DD to make lots of friends (as I'm sure you would anyway) and all will be well.

WitchityBroom · 13/07/2012 12:24

Just remembered that the only time it has ever bothered me was when we went away on holiday as a family and I wanted someone to play with, but that is easily rectified; just go away with another family or take one of her friends with you. Problem solved.

I think it often seems worse to people who have had siblings, whereas if you ask onlies they'll mostly tell you they weren't bothered. My husband thinks I must have been really lonely, but I wasn't. In fact, the stoopid doofus gets a tear in his eye when he imagines me sitting on one end of a see-saw with no-one on the other side.

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 12:27

I can understand and relate to the OPs worries though.

I am an only child, with 2 cousins who I rarely saw due to living hundreds of miles away, and havent seen now for over 10 years. Their mother died and she was my only aunt. My dad was an only child too.

My parents are both dead now, and I am 43, with no blood relatives at all. I have stepchildren, (adults) but no children of my own, and to be honest, the thought of old age, should anything happen to my husband, scares me.

SoleSource · 13/07/2012 12:28

She might have lots of life long friends or just a select few. She may get married or not, have children of her own? Lots of them or not.. She'll be fine :)

PerryCombover · 13/07/2012 12:30

Lots of my friends and daughter's friends are very happy, sociable only children.

You want a baby for you not her!

WitchityBroom · 13/07/2012 12:34

Squeaky, I'm sorry you're worried. Do you not have some friends other than your DH who you could turn to in that eventuality?

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 12:35

I was happy as a child, but I can say that it did get to me at Christmas. Not having a sibling to share the excitement with, and it was boring at times like that. I envied the neighbours who had a few children and big family get togethers.

Holidays were also a bit lonely to if I am honest.

I did always want brothers or sisters, even though I had many friends, and I was happy and sociable, but still felt that something was missing.

Another aspect was the sense that I had all the responsibility to be the perfect child as there was no other sibling to be compared with.

TheSpokenNerd · 13/07/2012 12:37

My friend was the only child of older parents and she is 40 now...she has husband and a son and MANY friends. SHe is more than happy...she has a very full life.

I was one of four...my life is MUCH less busy and social than hers...Isee my sblings now and then but they are not as much a part of my life as my DH. Your DD will be fine.

WitchityBroom · 13/07/2012 12:37

Perry, I'm sure the OP is sincerely worried about her DD, even if she perhaps also wants a child for herself.

TheSpokenNerd · 13/07/2012 12:38

Would you adopt?

squeakytoy · 13/07/2012 12:39

I do have friends whichity, but they all have their own families.

I have made a pact with a close friend though, who is in almost the same situation as me, that we will wipe each other's backsides in our old age! .

I fully intend to grow old as disgracefully as possible and be the mad old bat with loads of dogs and cats, in my little country cottage near a nice old fashioned pub.

WitchityBroom · 13/07/2012 12:44

Well, Squeaky, that's very much what I had in mind. It's what my girlfriends and I have all made a pact to do when we're all old and decrepit. See you in the pub!

SoleSource · 13/07/2012 13:38

There were people in the nursing home I worked at whom were one of up to seventeen children They themselves had given birth to up to 9 children. They had no visitors at all or were visited twice a year. Birthday and Christmas. They were by what we could tell really good loving parents. You just cannot tell what may happen. I think we all harbour these fears within. I'm alone with a disabled DS. I have no extended family. I might be alone forever. I think I might prefer it :)

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