Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to cancel DS1's play date.

40 replies

toysoldiers · 13/07/2012 08:44

DS1 is 6. He is shattered.

He has always been something of an insomniac and the more tired he gets, the harder it is for him to go to sleep. He is on his knees, especially as it's the end of term.

Last night it was gone 10pm before he went to sleep. He woke at 7 this morning and has been vile. Tired, stroppy, destructive, proper teenager behaviour.

He is supposed to be going to a play date after school. I'm not sure he should. It is the wrong mother to have terrible behaviour, but also the wrong mother to cancel on because of terrible behaviour. .

Half of me thinks he shouldn't be allowed to get away with his behaviour, especially as it's because he won't stay in his bed at night.

The other half of me thinks I'm being too harsh on him, he's only 6 and tired after along school year.

It's just that when he behaves like this it makes me so irrationally angry. I just lose my temper with him which is the worst thing to do. It's the only time I feel like I could be violent towards him (obviously never have, never would etc).

I've made DH take him to school.

OP posts:

ElephantsCanRemember · 13/07/2012 08:48

Honeslty, if it was me I would cancel. I would tell the mum now and suggest a different date. My dd is like that, she is exhausted by the end of term and would not benefit from a playdate at all. Instead I would suggest a film night or cinema or something so that he doesn't feel as though he is being punished for possible future bad behaviour.

Original poster

toysoldiers · 13/07/2012 08:53

It's been planned for over a month, first time he's been to their house etc.

He would definitely see it as a punishment, whatever else we did. Especially as I gave him such a hard time this morning.

If it was one of his more regular playdates I would definitely cancel.

OP posts:

ElephantsCanRemember · 13/07/2012 09:00

Ok then, I'm on the fence. Would it be better if you changed it so that that they played at your house?
I know you don't want to cancel, but I also understand why you are considering it.
You said something about the mother, if it was a different mum would you feel differently?
What I would worry about is that knowing my DC was overtired and may not behave brilliantly, it could be made worse (and i would end up over reacting) by the other parents reaction. So I would feel as though I was setting my DC up for a fall. Does any of that make sense?

Original poster

toysoldiers · 13/07/2012 09:03

Actually his behaviour is always great at other people's houses - and he does 'perk up' as the day goes on.

If it was a different mother I would probably cancel, but I feel like I need to make an effort with this one and it would look rude if I cancelled. Her little boy is lovely too.

Also, I don't really want DS in the house

OP posts:

ElephantsCanRemember · 13/07/2012 09:09

Ok then. Will you be there with him for the duration? Warn him before hand that you expect good, polite and kind behaviour.
You know the good thing though? Sods Law dictates that when you worry this much about something it generally works out fine

TroublesomeEx · 13/07/2012 09:19

If it were me, I would cancel and tell her that he was just really tired and could you re-arrange for the Summer holidays.

I would sell it to my child as them being really tired and find something nice to do instead e.g. snuggle up on the sofa with a blanket, a dvd and a hot chocolate (always works on mine! )

Even if he's well behaved at hers, he may well be overtired and even more 'troublesome' at home. I would be doing the whole relaxing evening, bath and bed. I know it doesn't always help insomnia but it might.

What is so different/special about this mother?

Original poster

toysoldiers · 13/07/2012 09:48

Yes I know I should cancel. I've suddenly realised that I'm actually scared of DS1's reaction.

And what he'll do if I tell him he can't go.

That's not good is it

OP posts:

ElephantsCanRemember · 13/07/2012 09:51

Aw bless you. It is crap when you have to cancel something that you know is for the best but your DC will kick off about.
Put it this way, you will be feeling guilty for a longer time than your DC will even remember it happening. Go with your gut.

babybarrister · 13/07/2012 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheHappyHissy · 13/07/2012 12:27

he is not sleeping because he's getting out of his bed at night. It affects his behaviour, and possibly his schooling.

I'd cancel it, tell the mother that he had a bad nights sleep and you don't want her to have to deal with him if he's tired and stroppy, re-schedule for next week.

You need to be clear with your son, calmly but firmly, and go up to his room as many times as you have to to get him BACK into bed until he does. As soon as he realises that he HAS to go to bed, he will. They ALL have their moments of pushing these buttons. You are not being harsh, you are being his Mum and ensuring he gets the sleep he needs to grow, learn and function. It's not your job to be his mate or to be worried about his reaction to your discipline, it's your job to set the boundaries he needs to be a successful child/adult.

If he persists in mucking about, if he is playing with stuff, I suggest going old school, and removing ALL toys etc from his room and allow him to earn them back by going to bed/sleep properly.

NoComet · 13/07/2012 12:45

Please don't the other child may be very upset.

It's the end of term all parents expect a bot of stroppyness.

Anyway he'll be far nicer for someone else than he will be for you.

If you cancel he will see it as a punishment and just be vile. Also he will remember and be vile about it on numerous occasions into the future. You will not be allowed to forget you were a mean mummy.

boneyjonesy · 13/07/2012 13:00

No very bad manners to the other child.he'll get aw lease of life when he gets there.
9 hours sleep isn't that bad is it? My just turned 7 yo hardly ever sleeps more than that in summer

Inertia · 13/07/2012 13:00

We've been in a similar position before- in the end we decided that it's not fair on the other child to cancel because of our child's poor behaviour.

I'd allow him to go today, explain that you are disappointed in his behaviour but you are allowing him to go because you don't want his friend to be disappointed too- but in future playdates will be 'earned' by him staying in bed, so that he's not too tired to cope. Some kind of chart so he can work to a target might help.

girlywhirly · 13/07/2012 13:39

How long will he be at the playdate? Could you have a word with the mum and ask her to shorten the time and give tea early because your DS is so shattered and has had trouble sleeping he really needs an early night. If not, perhaps another day. When my DS was 6, going to play and have tea used to be ended at 5.30pm when the child was collected/taken home.

I think it would be a shame not have to cancel, but you can insist he behaves well and that friendsmummy is very honest and will tell you if he has not, and ring you to come and take him home. Then you impose whatever consequences.

I think boys have a testosterone surge at about this age which makes them quite hard work and disobedient. This doesn't excuse their behaviour, it's just a reason for why it might be happening.

valiumredhead · 13/07/2012 13:49

Let him go. Explain to the mother he is very tire and she should ring you if he plays up or is rude - but I bet he will be perfectly behaved

DowagersHump · 13/07/2012 13:58

I don't think a child of 6 can connect not going to sleep at night with feeling stroppy the next day. If he's tired, he's tired and he doesn't deserve being punished for insomnia.

Can you explore ways of helping him to get to sleep? Does he have a good bedtime routine? Have you tried some meditation techniques?

Spatsky · 13/07/2012 14:01

My son can belike that and I have to say that whatever a monster he is with me due to the tiredness he is a delight for other people so on that basis i Would let him go on the playmate fairly comfortable thAt he would not be a terror and deal with the problem behaviour separately.

Sparks1 · 13/07/2012 14:06

he's only 6 and tired after along school year.

What?

It's not a school year, it's nearer 9 months, if that. The sleep issue should be your concern, not excuses for it.

CamperFan · 13/07/2012 14:09

I'm not sure that's the right punishment to be honest because it affects the other family - the other little boy could well have been looking forward to this for ages, and the mother changed plans to accommodate it. He's likely to be fine at their house (ime).

JustFabulous · 13/07/2012 14:13

Cancel.

For many reasons.

You shouldn't be influenced about another mother's thoughts.

He is tired and needs to rest.

He may have been naughty but it seems to me that the cancelling idea is more about his tiredness, not his behaviour.

You shouldn't be scared of him. I have been scared of my children and have got us in a right messd so learn from my mistakes and get control now.

FunnysInLaJardin · 13/07/2012 14:16

I would give him a bit of leeway. DS1 is also 6 and shattered, and also does the overtired bit. But it is nearly the end of term, everyone is tired and he will get a good long rest over the summer holidays.

If it were me, I'd let him go

Hulababy · 13/07/2012 14:18

I would struggle to cancel because of the other child involved who may well also be looking forward to it very much - and it isn't their fault.

Just let the other mum know that your ds is tired and a bit grumpy and if he is any trouble at all to call you and you will collect - or give her the option to cancel and rearrange. .

In my experience children often rally round at a play date anyway.

FunnysInLaJardin · 13/07/2012 14:19

Do you know toy I would also wonder if the hassle of cancelling for effectively overtiredness would be worth the massive tantrum that would ensue. If it was a punishment then fine, deal with the fallout, but if it's because you think he's too tired then you decide of the battle is worth it.

Hulababy · 13/07/2012 14:22

sparks - in my experience pretty much all little children get tired at the end of a school term, not just the end of the year. Especially at the moment there is often a lot going on in school with assemblies and school plays/concerts, transition stuff about moving to next class, lots of changes happening - for most little ones this can be very tiring and draining for them. Whilst this doesn't mean they should be allowed to be naughty and get away with it I do think it is fine to allow for some changes in behaviour/demenaour, it is very natural. I'm working with a whole load of 5 and 6 year olds at this busy end of year and they are all tired in various ways.

PollyGoHome · 13/07/2012 14:25

If you've sent him off to school thinking he's having a playdate and are planning to only tell him after school he isn't then that's a bit mean.

Not helpful but just thought I'd add that.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread