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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being silly being upset by this?

28 replies

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 13:51

Dh has a family member that lives abroad.
We don't see that much of them as where they live is hard to get to via flights etc and would cost a fortune with 2 young dc.
Saw them last summer at my mils.
Since she moved abroad we have communicated mostly by FB - until I got so tired of her passive aggressive posts that I deleted my account.
We moved house 6 months ago and unfortunately I have been quite Ill since then and had a back op 6 weeks ago.
I missed her sons birthday in feb. I feel awful about it. I never miss things like that but I was in a lot of pain and couldn't walk far so going to the post office wasn't really in the cards. I could have asked dh to do it I guess but just didn't think.
I sent him a card and letter for his 1st holy communion apologising and just chatting and asking for all the news.
The next month she sent a thank you for the card and my son a birthday card and £10.
I didn't have her e mail or phone number so asked me pil for her mob no and texted her a thank you for both.
Didn't hear back but didn't really think anything of it.
Ds2 was really ill and in hospital so tbh I really hadnt given it a second thought!
(ds2 is ok now btw)
Got an e mail yesterday. A very judgy and passive aggressive e mail and I am really upset about it :(
She is annoyed that I cashed the cheque before sending a thank you. I didn't. I sent a text, I didn't know her phone doesn't receive texts from the UK!!
She has made me feel about 2 inches tall.
I e mailed back and explained and that her e mail had upset me and she really took the gloves off!!
I am mercenary and rude apparently.
I e mailed back and told her that I would send the money back as I didn't want gifts that came with conditions attached.
Apparently I am being "silly".
No mention of how Ill I have been. No mention of ds2 and asking of he is ok.
(she is his gm fgs!)
So.
Come on...tell me. I can take it.
Am I silly to be so upset by this? Should I have put the chq away and not cashed it til I had written a thank you letter? I send money/gifts all the time and never relieve a thank you and it really doesn't bother me...is it that important?

OP posts:

puds11 · 12/07/2012 13:53

I would just ignore her, or agree not to send presents anymore if miscommunication is going to cause a problem.

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 13:55

Its just pathetic isn't it?
I think that zmight be the best way tbh...but it makes me sad...

OP posts:

puds11 · 12/07/2012 13:58

I think that if you have ended up deleting Fb etc. because of comments made by this person, then you dont really need her in your life.

LemonBreeland · 12/07/2012 13:58

She is being really rude. Not cashing a cheque until you've written a thank you? What complete nonsense. I would ignore too.

LurkeyLurkerson · 12/07/2012 13:59

Well if she's DH's family member then really it should be his responsibility to remember the dates, send the thank yous etc.

I think you've been more than justified in what you've done (I hope you and your DS are ok now)

I'm a bit of a cow, I'd go back at her with how awful she's being to an unwell person with an unwell son!

soozeedol · 12/07/2012 13:59

OMG...she sounds a bit mental really....I mean...who sends out thank you messages and cards and waits til they know they are received...BEFORE opening the gift (in whatever shape or intention it's made)....you get a gift and open it fgs....how ridiculous...

yanbu at all and seems this person just wants to have a go...is she miserable and wants you to be too???....maybe is a jealous person and envys your happiness or something...ppl are weird at times...I'd give her alot of distance....sounds like you couldn't do right for doing wrong with this person....

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 13:59

Oh thank goodness!!
I was worried everyone would come on and berate me and call me an awful person!
I have never been called rude before in my life. And as for being mercenary?
Words fail me.....

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/07/2012 14:00

I would return her cheque, or send the money if it's too late for that, then block her email and ignore, ignore, ignore. Life is too short to fuck around trying to appease people who are rude and mean to you.

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 14:01

Yes that's exactly how I feel...that I can't do right for doing wrong.
The only thing I can think is that I have offended her in some way...why else would she be like that??

OP posts:

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 14:02

I said I was going to send the chq back but apparently that's "silly".....

OP posts:

Bearcrumble · 12/07/2012 14:04

She sounds awful. So sorry about your and your son's ill health. Return the tenner and cut her off. What does DH say?

puds11 · 12/07/2012 14:04

She sounds like the kind of person that gets the hump if you dont make a special effort to thank her for any tiny thing she does for you.

Collaborate · 12/07/2012 14:04

I have very little time for people who get ofended by such trifles (by that I mean her, not you!).

I'd be tempted to write her a short letter letting her know how disappointed you feel, phrasing it how you did in your OP. As you actually deleted your FB account due to how agressive she was, then it's lettle loss to you. OK - be polite at family gatherings (must be dignified after all), but her decision after all.

samandi · 12/07/2012 14:05

I don't really understand why you're doing all the sorting out when it's your husband's family member. Ignore her as best you can after this and don't get into email exchanges. I wouldn't bother returning the money though.

Thumbwitch · 12/07/2012 14:05

She sounds like the sort of person who would be offended just by you saying "hello" on a bad day, so I wouldn't waste your time trying to work out if you have really done anything wrong, you probably haven't.

I would probably send the money back, say you really don't wish to have any kind of present exchange with her again seeing as how she is so ungracious and ask her to not contact you again.

But do talk to your DH about doing it first, since it's his family!

PurplePidjin · 12/07/2012 14:07

I would post her a cheque for a tenner and include a complete refutation of all her allegations plus character assassination of her.

And make DH deal with his own family from now on!

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 14:37

Ugh!
I hate all this....
Before she moved I would have said we got on well. She is my sons GM! And dh is her sons GF...it's all so odd.
She moved down south and then we both had kids - my ds1 was a very poorly Baby/infant and I don't think that she ever really got how bad he was iyswim?
Ds1 is good now - has some sen but is great.
The FB comments referred to my son and how sad it was he was "too timid" to go without me to a family gathering...I don't think it's usually for a 6 year old child to not want to go somewhere where he doesn't know everyone very well without his mum??
I will reply but nt decided what yet. Am def going to knock the gifts in the head..I don't want her bloody money.
How to word it though?

OP posts:

Floggingmolly · 12/07/2012 14:47

I second sending the money back and inviting her to shove it up her arse.

Paiviaso · 12/07/2012 14:54

She sounds like a drama queen.

And if she is DH relative, why on earth are you taking all flack? Let DH deal with her.

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 15:17

So.
Have e mailed her back.
I have told her that we do not want our children recieving money/gifts that we have to thank her for within a prescribed period of time.
I have told her that we will not be sending gifts/money in future and that we don't not want any in return.
I said that I thought her attitude ungracious (thanks for that!)
I have also given her my Dhs work e mail address so that she can contact him direct in future.
You are right, I don't need this shit.

OP posts:

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 12/07/2012 15:22

Good on you, OP!

What a totally petty and bizarre thing to be pissed off with you about. Who even checks thank-yous against their bank account to see when every tiny amount of money has gone? Does she have a life??

I think your response is excellent.

Fuck it.

YouOldSlag · 12/07/2012 16:19

What's your DH doing about this? YANBU, but he needs to intervene and point out that talking to you like that is not on.

Secondly, she should be bloody grateful that her DIL is so good at remembering birthdays etc that her DH does not deal with!

My MIL rang me up once at sparrow fart to have a go at me about nothing at all (she is very volatile and gets the wrong end of the stick). My DH was straight on the phone to her defending me and telling her not to speak to me like that. ( He is dreamy )

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 20:23

I will be waiting a looonnng time for dh to defend me, sadly :(

I know...I just know that I will be portrayed as the bad guy in all this...which pisses me off because I cant for the life of me understand what I have done "wrong"...

Well.

Its done now.

I am obv not the person she thought I was and she certainly isnt the person I thought she was!!!...

OP posts:

Original poster

Badvoc · 12/07/2012 20:24

..."at sparrow fart"

LOVE it! :)

OP posts:

YouOldSlag · 12/07/2012 20:41

Tell your DH he does the birthday cards from now on. If anyone gets forgotten, nobody can blame you as its not your department!

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