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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Privacy or secrecy?

38 replies

tiger20 · 12/07/2012 13:43

Am I being unreasonable about this - opinions/advice please. My boyfriend (been together for 18 months, living together) insists on having a section of our home computer that I don't have access to. It has his e-mail, photos etc etc. He says it is about having some privacy, not about keeping secrets.
I feel sad about this and wonder why he has to have this password protected area.
Am I being silly? Is this a normal thing to do?
Thank you!

OP posts:

cuntflapwankbadger · 12/07/2012 13:46

Sounds odd to me. Probably just filled with porn.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 12/07/2012 13:46

Do you also have a private space? I understand what you mean, but my iPad is my iPad, and no-one else (bar my dgs under djrect supervision, he's only 3!) gets to look at it. Is that me being private or secretive? (Both, actually, but nothing sinister in my case.)

LentillyFart · 12/07/2012 13:47

Privacy is fine but I'd question this. He can have his e mail account password protected can't he - he doesn't need a whole private section. Bung full of porn would be my guess. Is he weird in other ways?

valiumredhead · 12/07/2012 13:47

Well, privacy should be respected in a relationship, I don't know dh's password for his email account I bet I could guess it though if I wanted to

Seems a bit odd to announce that he needs such secure privacy though big red flag unless you are known for snooping ?

50shadesofstress · 12/07/2012 13:47

doesn't sound normal to me - this would make me paranoid!

pumpkinsweetie · 12/07/2012 13:47

Seems odd , me & dh have access to each log-in account so that we can enjoy eachothers pictures etc.
I don't understand it tbh, its not like it is a diary

ataglance · 12/07/2012 13:54

How did you find out about it?

I think it sounds quite odd. I have personal email accounts that my DH doesn't have the password to and vice versa. But it's not a deliberate "this is my private correspondence/photos and you can't look at it" IYSWIM. I think the fact that he's made a point of telling you there's things you can't access is a bit strange. Doesn't mean he's up to no good though, could just be his personality or upbringing.

potoftea · 12/07/2012 13:54

When I read your op I alarm bells rang with me. He seemed dodgy and hiding something.

But then I realised that I wouldn't give dh my mumsnet password or tell him my user name even. Not that anything I have ever posted could not be said in front of him, just that I like my stuff to be private.

If he is trustworthy and open in all other things between you, I wouldn't worry. In time he may open up more to you but for now likes having some things that aren't shared.

Original poster

tiger20 · 12/07/2012 13:58

Thank you for your comments, much appreciated

We both have individual log-ins on the computer, but he knows my password (he set the accounts up!) and regularly uses mine. Originally he said it was so we could have our own settings on the computer (desktop picture, ways of accessing e-mail, different e-mail accounts), which I accepted as I am a bit of a computer biff and like things v simple, he likes to have all sorts of fancy applications.
Maybe it is just porn! That wouldn't bother me though, and he knows that.
Don't think I am known for snooping - I am pretty open and can't remember snooping through his stuff ever.
Maybe it is just a difference in values, but I am finding it hard to get my head around. I have no idea what he wouldn't want me to see, and he is avoiding discussing the issue, which only increases my worry!

Aaaagggghhh

OP posts:

KatherineKavanagh · 12/07/2012 14:02

Yeah, but what kind of porn? Or sites...

Original poster

tiger20 · 12/07/2012 14:03

To answer your question - the issue came up because it his birthday soon. I want to surprise him with a present involving photos of us - but the ones I want to use are all on his account of the computer. He refused to give me his password, asking why I needed to do this why he wasn't there. I was really surprised that he refused, and then hurt by his explanation.

Does it mean he doesn't trust me for some reason? Or that he has something to hide? Am I going a bit mad : ) Does it really matter?

OP posts:

pumpkinsweetie · 12/07/2012 14:06

Probably porn videos that include lesbians, women having solo sex or those ones where women pop things out of their fanjo!-men tend to like to hide them as i found out recently

niceguy2 · 12/07/2012 14:08

It'll deffo be porn. To be honest the security is easily bypassed, not that I am advocating that of course.

pumpkinsweetie · 12/07/2012 14:10

It is very easily bypassed

pattercakes · 12/07/2012 14:10

They may have man wiith enormous donga chasing 50 Shades of Prey.

ataglance · 12/07/2012 14:10

Hmmm... difficult. My DH is quite a stubborn character and if it was us in this situation the more I asked the less likely he would be to allow me access! Even if there was nothing to hide he might like to feel as though he still had personal space and would resent the accusation. Having said that I have access to his computer and have never bothered looking at the photos, would feel weird doing it without permission.

If there were no other worrying signs I would just let it lie for a while. Maybe have an honest conversation about trust: you would not look at his emails and photos without permission but being pointedly denied them would make anyone suspicious. Perhaps he has had someone invade his privacy in the past?

Original poster

tiger20 · 12/07/2012 14:10

And he is not normally secretive/keeps things private in other ways, we share financial details, all of his documents etc are in our office on the shelves together. Plus he often talks about sharing our lives, that we should work together and think about what we can do to make the other person happier. I know this is not the same thing, but sort of a similar theme.

I would understand if he had his own e-mail account, I have mine, but I also wouldn't mind if he wanted access to it for some reason on occasion.

Maybe it is just some deeply funky porn and I need to explore this further...... tee hee

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/07/2012 14:12

I personally think it does matter, since you are living together, presumably planning on staying together for the long term. I can't quite explain why but it does. Secretive is bad and makes me suspicious, even if it is "just" porn, why does it need to be behind a password? I would be getting someone savvy to crack it for me and having a bloody good look to see what he's up to. That's if I cared enough for him anyway. If I didn't care that much, I would ask him to show me what's on there or walk if I'm honest. That said, I can say that after many years of hard won, painful experience with cheating lying dishonest secretive people who did turn out to be "up to no good"
Without trust you have nothing with this person. Nothing at all.

soozeedol · 12/07/2012 14:16

seems odd to me and I'd be concerned and have the same worries...it's not an issue to have personal accounts but it shouldn't be an issue to deny access to things in such a strong way...I'd think he was hiding things too....it's not right I don't think....

People need to feel their relationship is open and honest and above all trust is very important....could you talk about this being the foundations of your relationship and his making this an issue has left you feeling there are things he is hiding from you and it doesn't bode well knowing this, etc and is creating doubt where you never had before???....I'm sorry you are feeling this way....it's a big commitment to make with another person and that investment with someone is too big to have this cause harm...you need to try and explain that to him and I hope he opens up and sorts this out with you x

Original poster

tiger20 · 12/07/2012 14:16

Yes, maybe it is something unrelated to me, maybe a past hurt.
I agree, even if I did have access to all his photos etc., then I don't think I would look through them - it would never really occur to me. I am possibly leaving a vital bit of info here - he has been married before, and probably has lots of photos from that time of his life. Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable with me possibly seeing them? But I don't really understand that either.

OP posts:

HipHopOpotomus · 12/07/2012 14:19

If he thinks PRIVACY is such a big deal, why does he use your sign in on the shared computer, when he has his very own??

On that basis I say he's looking for SECRECY for porn or whatever. And is probably having a snoop at what you are up to as well (as he knows your password)

Original poster

tiger20 · 12/07/2012 14:23

Thank you for your supportive comments, and honest opinions, everyone - I have never posted on here before and always wondered what the response would be.
I hope I am getting worked up about nothing, but at the moment I can't help questioning our trust for each other when I feel so committed to this relationship, and all that he has said/done before leads me to believe that he is too. I hate the doubt that I have now! I twould be easier if I didn't care so much about him.
I have tried to talk about this with him, but he is pretty stubborn and just keeps saying he needs his privacy and that I should respect that.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 12/07/2012 14:24

I would ask him straight out to show you what is on the computer - then watch his reaction.

diddl · 12/07/2012 14:27

We each have our own password.

I neither know nor care what husband looks at on the pooter.

GiserableMitt · 12/07/2012 14:33

Does seem strange. DH and I have separate emails, FB etc which we do not share.

I have a suspicious personality When I've been suspicious about something in the past DH has shown me. And I've felt a complete tool for asking in the first place. He hasn't flat out refused though. Nowadays I couldn't really care.

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