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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Privacy or secrecy?

38 replies

tiger20 · 12/07/2012 13:43

Am I being unreasonable about this - opinions/advice please. My boyfriend (been together for 18 months, living together) insists on having a section of our home computer that I don't have access to. It has his e-mail, photos etc etc. He says it is about having some privacy, not about keeping secrets.
I feel sad about this and wonder why he has to have this password protected area.
Am I being silly? Is this a normal thing to do?
Thank you!

OP posts:
MissFaversam · 12/07/2012 14:34

Sounds a bit off OP, but I also wouldn't let my boyfriend have my mumsnet password. Other stuff is fine. I'm not even on his facebook but neither of us care to be honest.

Think I'd be a bit peeved though if he was sooo adamant about having secret stuff.

Why can't you ask him to open his account whilst you are there to get the photos and see what he does rather than make a huge issue out of it at the moment.

PurplePidjin · 12/07/2012 14:44

He should trust you not to go snooping, tbh, and he should assume you respect his privacy instead of insisting on secrecy.

It's that lack of trust which would warn me off. Even if innocent, he's acting like he has something to hide, and I'd find it hard to trust someone who did that. And he's demonstrating that he doesn't trust you by locking you out of "his" area while maintaining access to your bit.

Fwiw, dp and i used to share a laptop, now have separate devices (laptop and tablet). We don't use each others because we feel no need to check up on each other. If i need to type something, i use his laptop. He detests touchscreen so prefers not to use my tablet. I got this jobbie at Christmas and afaik, facebook and MN still remember my passwords on the laptop he has had almost exclusive use of since then...

Paiviaso · 12/07/2012 14:51

I think he is not being unreasonable, only because I've thought about how I'd feel if the situation was reversed.

If my DP went through my laptop (which is not password locked, but he has no reason to use it as he has his own) and looked at all my photos, and read my emails, I would probably feel a bit violated. He wouldn't find anything untoward (though there are lots of photos of exes), but those are my memories, and my conversations, and he should only look look at them with my permission.

So if you have no other reason to suspect anything "bad" is in his folders, such as proof of an affair, then I'd say leave it alone.

Really though, I think this is an issues where there is no inherent right or wrong, only what's best for the two people involved.

samandi · 12/07/2012 14:52

I think it's quite reasonable to each have private areas, but it's a bit weird that he uses your space too. That would irritate me. I have a password protected area on my computer. I don't care whether it's "secrecy" or "privacy", whatever it is I just like to keep some things to myself and I don't think that's wrong. I wouldn't want my partner seeing some of my documents or rummaging around with the settings. Don't see why the photos shouldn't be shared though.

StuntGirl · 12/07/2012 14:58

If it's privacy he's so bothered about then he can bloody well stop using your 'private account'. Works both ways!

Change your password and when he asks tell him you had a think and you agree, you should both get some privacy. Bet he doesn't like that.

Original poster
tiger20 · 12/07/2012 15:03

It's not the fact that he has a private area that makes me sad, just that he has flat-out refused to give me access for what (I think)is a valid reason.
I have little interest in going through his e-mails/photos/whatever, and would be upset if I found out he was doing this on my account - he uses mine to access my photos and look at documents etc for me if I'm away from home and ask him to.
It is more that he has refused to give me access - what is it that could be so bad? Hopefully we will talk about this tonight and I will feel like a fool for getting upset. Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
Original poster
tiger20 · 12/07/2012 15:04

But also think I will change my password too, just to make a point!

OP posts:
MsElisaDay · 12/07/2012 15:07

I don't think you should start demanding to see whatever it is, and I don't think for a minute that his secrecy means he's hiding something particularly dodgy, seedy or distasteful.

It seems pretty obvious that he's hiding porn on his computer, but the fact that he won't show you doesn't mean that it has to be kinky/weird/even illegal stuff. It probably just makes it more exciting that it's secret. Or maybe he's embarrassed.
Last time my DH showed me his porn collection he wasn't at all impressed by the critique I gave it - pointing out the fake boobs, fake orgasms, dodgy acting and so on. So I wouldn't be surprised if your DP just wanted to keep that part of his life to himself.

I don't know the passwords to my DHs email accounts, and I never use his computer without asking first. If I wanted to hack into his emails, I probably could guess the password, but I respect his right to privacy and trust him enough not to want to bother. For the same reason, I wouldn't go through his phone if it was lying around.

I'd leave well alone, for fear of looking like a neurotic and overbearing madwoman. He says he needs his privacy and you should respect that - he's right.
Also, you've only been together 18 months, which isn't really very long at all. Perhaps he's not ready to share everything yet. That's his prerogative, right?

valiumredhead · 12/07/2012 15:09

How on earth is it pretty obvious he is hiding porn? Confused It could be any manner of things.

MsElisaDay · 12/07/2012 15:13

You say: "It is more that he has refused to give me access - what is it that could be so bad? Hopefully we will talk about this tonight and I will feel like a fool for getting upset."
I could be wrong, but I think it's more likely that you'll get more upset when he gets annoyed with you for refusing to accept his privacy. If I were you I'd leave well alone.
This really isn't that big a deal, and if you start changing your passwords too, to piss him off, you're just reiterating the point that you don't want him to have his own space.

bogeyface · 12/07/2012 16:07

if you start changing your passwords too, to piss him off, you're just reiterating the point that you don't want him to have his own space.

I disagree. Why should he be allowed to log in with her password when he wont give her the same priviledge? He cant have it all his own way, whats sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander!

And yes OP, getting round the security is laughably easy, should you feel the need Wink

MissFaversam · 12/07/2012 16:11

Actually, thinking about it I'd have to change mine too. If it came up and he wanted to use my account I'd then just say "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" and leave it there.

MsElisaDay · 12/07/2012 16:20

Bogeyface - you say "why should he be allowed to log in with her password when he wont give her the same priviledge? (sic)"
Well, he shouldn't! Fair's fair. And in time, if I were her, I probably would change my password.

I just think that changing the passwords now, at the same time as wanting a big sit-down chat about privacy and secrecy, is making far too much fuss and would make the OP appear overly neurotic.
Which would then make her DP all the more determined to hide his stuff, and potentially create even more upset and distrust.

Personally, I'd let it die down and then, quietly, change my password in a few days or even weeks' time. If he were to question it I certainly wouldn't come out with a geese-related cliche either, as it looks like I've just done it to piss him off.
Instead, I'd just say calmly that I want my privacy, and see how he likes that.

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