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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to defend my honour?!

35 replies

CantSleepTonight · 12/07/2012 02:21

I know lots of people have worse problems than this but my mind is racing and I can't sleep...

Been with DH for 11 years (married 1) solid relationship, soul mates etc 12 years ago (aged 17) Young free and single, I got off with, and slept with my now DHs best friend (at the time). It happened the once, not particularly memorable, and although DH has always known about it we never discuss it (its not really an issue but we both prefer to leave it in the past)

However DHs ex BF continues to bring it up, and has told each of his girlfriends since...I've tried to take the attitude that it was all so long ago, meaningless and I was young etc but it still gets me down that he thinks it is ok to keep bringing it up.

So AIBU to think its got to the point where something needs to be said... and AIBU to want DH to have a word with his exBF..WWYD and what would you say?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/07/2012 02:31

Defend your own honour. Tell him everybody assumes he still burns for you. Otherwise why bring it up.

VegansTasteBetter · 12/07/2012 02:34

Yanbu, but I think you should really say something yourself.. like it was 11 years ago and tbh I can't really remeber. Wasn't great I guess..

Softlysoftly · 12/07/2012 03:00

We don't live in the 50s so while your DH should probably be pissed off at bf for doing it you are capable of batting him down yourself so YABU.

Next time "did we?". racks brain, laughs " oh yes god I'd forgotten that, good job I believe in try it before you marry it eh?" erk good luck face at new gf " can anyone pass the salt?"

VegansTasteBetter · 12/07/2012 03:14

Actually if it bothers you that much dh should really reconsider the friendshup. It is rude.

mynewpassion · 12/07/2012 04:46

YABU. This is your past. Stand up for yourself.

GaryTankCommander · 12/07/2012 06:36

I think I would say something myself rather than expect my DH to.

geegee888 · 12/07/2012 06:44

Forget about the defending your honour bit, I'd drop contact with the ex-BF like a stone. He is overstepping the boundaries of social politeness, for want of a better phrase - he should be discrete, and any decent person would be. I would point this out to him and if he doesn't stop it, blank him, and insist on your DH doing the same.

Dprince · 12/07/2012 06:50

Since you don't discuss it I assume your dh doesn't know it bothers you. Imo its up to you to 'defend your honour'.
What happened is between you and this man. Tell him it bothers you, tell your dh it bothers you. If you say something and it carrys on, then maybe your dh should have a quiet word.
so I think yabu, you should say something if it bothers you.

SoupDragon · 12/07/2012 06:53

Defend your own honour. Look him straight in the eye and say:

"X, I don't know why you insist on constantly bringing this up. It was once, it was 12 years ago and, quite frankly, it wasn't very memorable."

Megatron · 12/07/2012 06:54

Defend your own honour! Go and talk to this man, tell him you think it's a bit silly to be harping on about a rather pointless shag all those years ago and it's making him look like a twat. Then tell him to fuck off for good measure.

HecateHarshPants · 12/07/2012 07:09

I agree with everyone else. Put him in his place yourself. It will be far more powerful coming from you. Laugh at him. Make him feel as small as he is trying to make you feel.

And perhaps your husband is aware this guy is trying to wind him/you up and simply refuses to give him the satisfaction.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/07/2012 07:26

"However DHs ex BF continues to bring it up, and has told each of his girlfriends since...I've tried to take the attitude that it was all so long ago, meaningless and I was young etc but it still gets me down that he thinks it is ok to keep bringing it up."

You know, I think it is the OP's DH's place to put a stop to it - because I think it is the DH that the supposed-BF is having a dig at, not the OP.

In knuckle-dragging cave-man terms, he is pissing on DH's territory; trying to establish that he is the alpha-male of the group. All women are his, and don't you forget it, CantSleepTonight's DH. I got there first. It's not CantSleepTonight's honour he is calling into question, but CantSleepTonight's DH's status in relation to himself.

What a sad little loser he is.

HecateHarshPants · 12/07/2012 07:32

That's true. That is probably the attitude. 'I 'ad your bird.' But if she sorts it out herself, she is showing that she is nobody's property and no man has the right to lay claim to her. So she scores extra feminist points. Which is very important, I think

newmum001 · 12/07/2012 07:37

Tbh if i was you i'd have said something by now. Wait until theres a group and then completely humiliate him. He's being a knob and weather he's having a dig at you or your dh he needs putting in his place and any comment will be far better coming from you.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 12/07/2012 07:45

Every time he does it, raise your little finger in the air and do the "crooky teeny penis" gesture. Roll your eyes sympathetically. He'll soon stop. Or just laugh like a drain and go "ohhh, I try to forget that, talk about lame fuck ha ha ha"

Wheezo · 12/07/2012 08:10

Agree with other posters that this might actually be a case of you need to defend your DH's "honour" and that this is the ex-BF attempting to humiliate your DH.

Be prepared next time he brings it up and reply all sympathetically and Awwwww ex-BF I'm touched you still remember that, I'd forgotten to be honest, but 11 years married to a sex god does that to you.

MammaTJ · 12/07/2012 08:24

Sound a bit 'damsel in distress to me'. Defend your own honour!!

Something along the lines of 'I must be good if you can't stop talking about it, but to be honest I only think of it when you bring it up'.

SoleSource · 12/07/2012 08:33

I feel that your DH should say something. His BF is jealous of his marriage. Whether it is you or somebody else your DH has what he wants - a happy marriage with a future and a woman whom loves him. His 'friend' is continuing with his digs because he sees it gets to you both. I would also make a quick witty retort in my head, ready for when he says it again.

Preferably within a crowd of others. Thereafter I would ask him what it is exactly he gets out of repeating the same lines. Whatever he says back your response could be to tell him that, that is not an answer and smile knowingly as if you know what the real answer is. Then look away.

It sounds as if he is winning, do not let him. Is your DH able to spend less time with him until he gets the message? Or just cut off the disrespectful sad wanker completly?

NeverCleverLand · 12/07/2012 08:37

You can have a grown up chat and tell him how uncomfortable it makes you and your DH when he brings it up.

Or you can take the low road and ask his girl friends if he's still terrible in bed.

AThingInYourLife · 12/07/2012 08:40

I don't really see what a shag at 17 has to do with your "honour".

Years ago you and this guy had a thing. You were young and single, so what does it matter if he brings it up?

Floggingmolly · 12/07/2012 08:46

If he's your DH's ex best friend (am I reading that right?) why do you see him so much socially?
If they're no longer close you both need to expand your social circle a little.

samandi · 12/07/2012 08:52

YABU, what a weird attitude. Just laugh it off with an insulting joke as other posters have said, and stop seeing him so much socially if he's such a twat.

Mindyourownbusiness · 12/07/2012 08:55

I agree that he is getting a dig at your DH, if that's his best friend then l feel sorry for your DH tbh. l agree , humiliate him and put him in his place at every opportunity. What does your DH do or say when he says this btw ?

LaQueen · 12/07/2012 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

CantSleepTonight · 12/07/2012 09:12

Thanks for all the replies-

'Defending my honour' was said a bit tongue in cheek. I suspect WhereYou and others are right-I feel DH exBF is getting at both of us...and as his ex BF, DH is in a stronger position to say something that will make him realise what a complete idiot he is being...(i mistakenly thought that by ignoring it completely he'd get bored/forget about it/stop, without giving him the satisfaction of knowing it upsets us)

Reason it's gone on so long is because we cut pretty much all contact ( it's a little complicated-DH is fond of his exBFs whole family and them of him, and DH ex BF has recently moved back to where DH and I live -wheedling his way back into old group of friends)

DH and I have talked about it-he knows it upsets me (and I know it upsets him) but isn't keen to say anything partly through not wanting to give him the satisfaction and because it upsets him...

We will see DHexBF this weekend at a 30th bday party...was dreading it but feel much happier now-I will go prepared to say something (feel so angry at the moment I almost dare him to say something )

OP posts:

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