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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

…expect 21 year old daughter to show respect

28 replies

beesmum · 12/07/2012 00:20

DD1 is back from uni for the summer (she studies abroad) with a major attitude.

Completely disrespectful to entire family. Will not speak to myself, her dad, sisters or even little brother. Refuses to help out or follow family rules, will not clean. Absolutely will not participate in family events. Will blow up, get emotional (almost theatrical) if challenged. This is not the half of it.

First, I thought maybe she is depressed, tried to talk, she was always angry about one thing or another, Never open to any type of problem solving..But as I have had time to think about it, i realised she began being resentful around the time she was told that although we would scrape up the tuition and housing, she would have to work over the summer so she could earn extra money for school (pocket money, books).
Everyone acknowledges that she is an extremely brighted, gift person but even other family members (i.e. grandmother and grandfather) have told me in confidence that they find her extremely difficult.
She says she doesn't want anything from us (except food, board, her tuition, housing fee and of course a plane ticket back to uni) and that she is not coming back next summer. Would it be mean to give her a one-way ticket?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 00:27

No

She sounds almost exactly like a friend's DS.

He's 19 years old, extremely bright and studying medicine at Uni. The trouble is, he's been spoilt beyond belief and now it's finally coming back to bite her and her DH on the arse (not saying this is necessarily the same for you)

She's done everything and so much more for him and he appreciates nothing...if anything he's a lot more miserable, bitter and resentful than any of his less spoilt friends.

He ended up kicking a hole in his bedroom door and pushing his Dad down the stairs last year. Why? because they suggested he gets a part time job.

He now stays with his Gran and Grandad during the holidays because she won't allow him in the house overnight any more.

This is the very first time she's actually put her foot down and stuck to a 'punishment'....although she's still spoiling the fuck out of him with spending money, clothes, phones etc..etc...

Really whatever you decide to do, you need to stick to your guns.

Sloobreeus · 12/07/2012 00:29

This sounds very diffcult for you but she is blackmailing you. Call her bluff and say, 'OK, it is up to you.' Be civil to her but if she 'starts' just walk away. Has she found a summer job yet? You say she has asked for a ticket back to university and if you insist on helping her, buy her just that i.e. a single ticket. If you have nerves of steel, tell her that she will have to buy her own ticket back as you are not going to reward bad behaviour.

Good luck!

quoteunquote · 12/07/2012 00:29

Are you expecting to fall into old sparing pattens?

has she ever had assessment for autism ?(it can make you quite cross when you don't understand why you clash with people/family)

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 00:32

quote??

From the limited info in the OP, how have you got to possible autism?

If every moody/spoilt young person got tested for that, the NHS would go bust.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 12/07/2012 00:33

Definetly not mean.

I applaud you for having limits and boundaries.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 12/07/2012 00:35

There is no evidence that OPs DD has asd.

And I suspect that as she is a grown woman now it would have been detected a while ago.

beesmum · 12/07/2012 00:44

Thanks for the advice.

No, she definitely doesn't have autism unless its a new strain :)
I am settled in myself to return her to uni permanently. We have plenty of family in the city where she attends uni so she will have help available if she needs it.
I have asked my other daughters, who have just left school and will be attending sixth form in september, to find parttime jobs asap.

As i have no one other than my immediate family her, its nice just to be able to get a few things off my chest. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 00:47

It's worth remembering that she has made the choice to not come back so by buying her a one way ticket, you're only complying with her wishes.

Of course we both know she's not expecting you to call her bluff....but that's where the penny will hopefully drop for her Wink

You can always fly her home again if she pulls her socks up and changes her attitude.

beesmum · 12/07/2012 00:48

Sloobreeus sorry i just read the question in your post.

Yes, she actually has found work. She is quite intelligent and competent in that way. But the joke is, she won't tell us where she works. I've simply cautioned her to save her money because there will not be any Western Unions.

We'll buy her the ticket because quite frankly we all can't wait for her to return. (

OP posts:
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 12/07/2012 00:48

Bless you. Smile
You're not alone x

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 00:52

Why won't she tell you where she works? Confused

Do you think perhaps she hasn't actually found a job at all?

beesmum · 12/07/2012 00:57

Worra She actually found one job at a catering firm (and she left it)I know because they sent papers in the post addressed to Mrs. with no initial and our surname and I opened it by accident. I pretty sure she now works at a local theatre. (She left her keys there once and they called.)

OP posts:
beesmum · 12/07/2012 00:58

But I guess its possible that she is not actually working.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 01:00

Tis a bit strange!

But I'd call her bluff anyway and arrange the ticket she's asking for

quoteunquote · 12/07/2012 01:03

From the limited info in the OP, how have you got to possible autism?

because high function female autism is very under diagnosed, so often goes unnoticed, and the girl ends up with other labels,

Completely disrespectful to entire family. Will not speak to myself, her dad, sisters or even little brother

give up on communication and frustrated with family members.

Refuses to help out or follow family rules, will not clean. Absolutely will not participate in family events

refusal to engage,.

Will blow up, get emotional (almost theatrical) if challenged. This is not the half of it

over reaction to challenge,.

First, I thought maybe she is depressed, tried to talk, she was always angry about one thing or another

endless frustration,

, Never open to any type of problem solving

set in stone

..But as I have had time to think about it, i realised she began being resentful around the time she was told that although we would scrape up the tuition and housing, she would have to work over the summer so she could earn extra money for school (pocket money, books)

none adapting to change.

Everyone acknowledges that she is an extremely brighted, gift person but even other family members (i.e. grandmother and grandfather) have told me in confidence that they find her extremely difficult

.so she bright but can't work out that her behaviour hurt her,

She says she doesn't want anything from us (except food, board, her tuition, housing fee and of course a plane ticket back to uni) and that she is not coming back next summer

detached,

. Would it be mean to give her a one-way ticket?

you do what works for you,

I asked as was interested, because I thought it sounded like one unhappy person, and there is often a reason, and I wondered as some of those description rang bells,

people often don't understand about the full range of autism, and high functioning often presents differently in women, a lot get diagnosed much later in life, when they start to find things difficult.

beesmum · 12/07/2012 01:03

Yes, I will.

Maybe I will post an update on D-Day.
Thank you all and goodnight.

OP posts:
beesmum · 12/07/2012 01:07

quoteunquote

Hmm. My older brother is autistic. Possible something to think about if not just to understand her better. Thanks for taking the time to post.

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 12/07/2012 01:11

your story sounds familiar,

we have a lot of it in our family.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2012 01:14

YY but she also sounds like a lot of other spoilt 21yr olds

I'm not saying you're wrong and I'm not saying you're right quote but I do think if you tried hard enough you could make the same sort of post about anyone really.

5madthings · 12/07/2012 01:25

i think what you have suggested is perfectly reasonable, i left home once i went to uni, met dp had ds1 at 20 and was preg with ds2 at 22, sorry but it does sound like she needs to grow up!

quoteunquote · 12/07/2012 01:28

It's the level of self wretchedness that stood out, It's only a suggestion, hopefully the OP who asked on a forum, wanted ideas,

I know quite a few women that have had that diagnosis, it often much later in life when they can't live with the difficulties it chucks up, and they have had to seek help,

high functioning women often get missed as their coping strategies work quite well until they move out of the family umbrella,

I would rather mention something and the fully informed OP can then dismiss it, than not say anything, and something that can so easily be helped be missed.

I doubt I would say it about most spoilt teens, it's just something leapt out at me.

anyone who has felt the relief of suddenly having a name for what it is that makes you so at odds with the world will tell you they wish they had known sooner.

bogeyface · 12/07/2012 01:36

I would be asking her how she proposes to pay her tuition and housing fees if she wants nothing from you.

She cant behave like that and expect you to still pony up thousands of pounds! And i dont buy the autism either, yes it is under diagnosed but from the OP this behaviour has come as a shock, not something that they have come to accept over the years.

Sounds like "the world owes me a favour" syndrome to me.

bogeyface · 12/07/2012 01:38

I also think that at 21 she has decided she is now an adult and can do whatever the hell she likes, without fully realising what being a adult truly means, ie: standing on your own 2 feet. She wants all the benefits of being an adult but all the benefits of being your child too, so getting everything paid for.

She cant have it both ways. I would seriously consider withdrawing financial assistance if this is her attitude.

YouSayWhaaat · 12/07/2012 02:12

WorraLiberty

'Pushed his father down the stairs!'

Would have been just about the last thing he did our house.

DOI non-violent family, but that would not have stood. Not for a second!

YouSayWhaaat · 12/07/2012 02:14

Her, she. Pardon me!