…expect 21 year old daughter to show respect

[beesmum]

DD1 is back from uni for the summer (she studies abroad) with a major attitude.

Completely disrespectful to entire family. Will not speak to myself, her dad, sisters or even little brother. Refuses to help out or follow family rules, will not clean. Absolutely will not participate in family events. Will blow up, get emotional (almost theatrical) if challenged. This is not the half of it.

First, I thought maybe she is depressed, tried to talk, she was always angry about one thing or another, Never open to any type of problem solving..But as I have had time to think about it, i realised she began being resentful around the time she was told that although we would scrape up the tuition and housing, she would have to work over the summer so she could earn extra money for school (pocket money, books).
Everyone acknowledges that she is an extremely brighted, gift person but even other family members (i.e. grandmother and grandfather) have told me in confidence that they find her extremely difficult.
She says she doesn't want anything from us (except food, board, her tuition, housing fee and of course a plane ticket back to uni) and that she is not coming back next summer. Would it be mean to give her a one-way ticket?

Either she's got herself in with a crowd of trustafarians over-privileged oiks or she's fretting about what a love interest will be getting up to over the summer.

A one-way ticket to ride would seem eminently sensible. Perhaps you could suggest an earlier return than usual so that she has ample time to settle back in before resuming her studies?

I remember the frustration on being 21, of being totally independent at university, and then being expected to fit back in to family life in the holidays. It's that 'technically an adult, but in many ways still treated as a child' mentality. I'm sure if I had gone home I would have behaved appallingly. Fortunately I was aware of this and so didn't go home. I worked part time during term time, and spent the holidays doing internships/ travelling/ doing language courses abroad (the overall aim with the internships etc. Was to make sure that o would be as employable as possible when I graduated and would never have to live at home again.)
Cutting the apron strings is an often painful process. Especially with the eldest child. If it's any consollation I have quite a good relationship with my parents now, and love going home. And am nice when I get there.
This is a long winded way of agreeing with all those who say buy her a one-way ticket.

Yeah, I remember the summer where I was a complete PITA on my return from Uni, for many of the reasons Puffykins touches on (except I did go home...........). I drove my mum so mad with my efforts to re-establish "alpha child" status over my younger sister, and my "Oh god, this town is so provincial and intellectually/culturally dead" crap that in the end my mum packed my stuff and drove me back to Uni 2 weeks early.

The next summer I got an internship and went home for a couple of weekends. Normal relations were resumed