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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is more romantic than taking your husband's last name

69 replies

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 11/07/2012 20:46

I would prefer when me and DP get married if we all ( me him and DS) change our last name to something completely different that we all like. To me this is more romantic as it feels like we will both be coming together in marriage and starting a fresh with a new name that reflects our family.
DP isn't writing off the idea and has said he will think about it. I think if he wasn't taking outside views into consideration he would say yes but his concern is probably more to how his parents may react (I'm guessing as he's never shown any attachment to his last name)

Anyway our situation aside what are your views on this

OP posts:

ZombieBear · 11/07/2012 21:39

If everyone double barrelled, what happens when the kids settle down and have babies with. 3 generations down the line and it'd get hysterical.

fapl · 11/07/2012 21:40

I knew a woman who I think didn't like her father and changed her surname to Suesdaughter (but not Sue). Not right for a new married name but perhaps an option if you want a new name and get on with your mum?

Original poster

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 11/07/2012 21:40

jumping even as a middle name our names would sound hideous together

OP posts:

Longtime · 11/07/2012 21:50

Great that you have a choice. Here in Belgium all women keep their maiden names (at least for everything official like ID cards, driving licences, doctors etc) and the dcs get the father's name.

Longtime · 11/07/2012 21:50

Meant to add that I think it's a lovely idea.

rogersmellyonthetelly · 11/07/2012 21:56

We did this as I didnt particularly like the idea of giving up my name for his as if I'm somehow less important. Also dh didn't have a relationship with his father who left when he was very young and never had contact. We decided to take dh's mothers maiden name as she is italian and we wanted a link to that part of his heritage. Works perfectly and I can't imagine being anything else now

NameGames · 11/07/2012 22:00

I've name changed I think this would out me to anyone who knows me. My DH and I picked a new name. At first we kept our own names, but when DCs came along we all changed. I don't really think of it as romantic, but definitely as meaningful. I'm glad we did it, as I really like us all having the same last name.

My DH has kept his name professionally, as reputation is important in his role. I've pretty much changed career to SAHM, but if I go back to my pre-DC work I'll use my maiden name too for the same reasons.

It has been a complete pain, more so for DH than me as our society isn't really set up for men to change their last names (on the other hand he didn't have to put up with people trying to understand why he hadn't changed his name when we first got married), but it also needs explanations and extra paperwork when we do anything legal.

DH was very into the idea and did most of the research for a new name (which took about a year and a half to find!). I think it could be a cause of resentment if he only does it to please you, because it is a pain and people do effectively roll their eyes sometimes. If he isn't as proud of the whole thing and as bought into it as you are it could be a niggle to pick at when things are tough.

pointythings · 11/07/2012 22:01

I like the idea in principle, but shudder to think of the administrative hassles. I have no firm opinion on name change/no name change either way, though. I chose to use DH's surname because my maiden name is awkward (Dutch) - impossible to pronounce and spell for 99% of people. DH's surname on the other hand trips off the tongue quite smoothly so it was a no-brainer.

JeezyPeeps · 11/07/2012 22:05

I think it's a lovely idea. I don't subscribe to thd idea that as women we accept from an early age that we won't keep our name - I have always said that I won't change my name if I get married. And my kids both have my surname.

Just because it is accepted practice doesn't mean girls and women are incapable of independent thought on the matter!

LucieMay · 11/07/2012 22:22

I think it's a great idea! I'd never take any man's name as ds has my surname as I was never with his dad. I have a long foreign surname which is a pain in the arse but I'm too used to having a hard name now! If I got married now and had any more kids they'd have to take my name in case we ever split up and I was on my own with them. I'm not very optimistic about any of my relationships lasting a life time!

TalkinPeace2 · 11/07/2012 22:25

I know a couple who when married kept both of their own names for work but as a family, and named their children, something completely different
but they are Californian

LynetteScavo · 11/07/2012 22:27

I really disliked my maiden name....and I really liked DHs surname, so was happy to take it when married.

I can understand you want to take a completely different name, but the only people I know who have done this have wanted to distance themsleves from their ancestors.

Would I be upset if DS didn't want to take our (DH's) family name? Yes, I would. I have thought through a lot of scenarios, the DC being gay, not wanting to marry, never having children. This is up there with non of my 3 DC having any DC of their own. I would be disappointed.

sashh · 12/07/2012 06:41

It's way more complicated for men to change their names than for women (on marriage)

It isn't really, it's only one more document. You can prepare your own deed, print it, get a couple of friends to witness it and send it off to anyone who needs to know.

gorionine · 12/07/2012 06:47

I thik it is a good idea!
Personnally, I was not given a choice. I am am dual national Swiss-Italian. When I got Married, the Swiss Ambassy straight away changed my name to DH's but the Italian one insists I keep My maiden name. None have actually asked what I wanted to be known as.

HeadsShouldersKneesandToes · 12/07/2012 06:54

I think that's a brilliant idea - I think you should go for it.

My DH and I both went double barrelled and our DS has both surnames

(Shangers you've been misinformed, it's way easier for anyone to change their surname than you think. You just need to write out a document that says:

CHANGE OF NAME DEED by [former name] of [address]

I have given up my name [former name] and have adopted for all purposes the name [new name].

Signed as a deed on [date] as [former name] and [new name] in the presence of [witness's name, signature and address (should not be a relative - Best Man/Bridesmaid at the wedding is ideal.)].

this document is accepted by banks, utility companies, driving licence and passport issuers etc etc and has full legal force, you don't need a solicitor.)

Being Double-barrelled is only a short-term solution as DS, assuming he does get married, would have to be triple- or quadruple-! I wish we had made up a new name, and I would have been [oldname1]-[Newname], DH would be [oldname2]-[Newname] and DS just [Newname]

Dprince · 12/07/2012 06:55

I don't get it myself. Personally I would have kept my own name or taken dhs. I took dhs and am happy with that. We felt like we were starting our own individual family, just with the same name.
However I think if you want to do ir, go for it. But I don't find it 'romantic' just as I didn't take dhs name to be romantic.

50shadesofslapntickle · 12/07/2012 07:02

If you are not bothered about keeping your last name, why are you so against changing to his name? This is what I dont get, you say you don't care about your last name but seem to want to force him into changing his?

SimplySoo · 12/07/2012 07:04

My partner and I did this earlier this year! Very easy to do (deed poll then follow their guidance for telling official orgs, ID cards etc). Neither of us wanted each others surname, we aren't getting married, but we are having children. We never considered it romantic as such, but a few people told us they thought it was... Go for it!

MinnieBar · 12/07/2012 07:10

DH had to change his name by deed poll when we got married (did the double-barrelled thing for lots of complicated reasons that I CBA won't go into here) because although some places accepted the marriage certificate, DVLA wouldn't and soooo many other things need a driving licence as proof. Was a bit of a faff, and not too bad, but it's all sorted now except sodding eBay.

We did consider the idea of a totally new surname but nixed it on the grounds that a) family would be upset, and b) it would take forever to choose one, and we're quite lazy

Jelly15 · 12/07/2012 07:43

My MIL double barrelled hers an FIL but DH dropped his mothers name when we married as I was not happy to take two new surnames, and I didn't add mine to DSs as DHs said it was a pain in school. Plus I didn't want to piss off any future DILs

tootssweet · 12/07/2012 07:55

I had friends from california who merged their names. They had the first half of his and the second half of hers - which worked for them. We joined our names together for dc's but no hyphen or marriage so have kept own surname each.

suburbandream · 12/07/2012 08:03

Sorry but I think it sounds like complete nonsense! Changing your name is nothing to do with "being romantic" - it's traditional to change your name but it's perfectly acceptable to keep your own these days.
meboo you made me snort my tea, I'd forgotten about Crap Bag

CaveMum · 12/07/2012 08:08

I agree it's a nice idea, but also agree with the poster who said that your descendants will have a nightmare of a time tracing you all through ancestry records

CuppaTeaJanice · 12/07/2012 08:23

I met a very elderly lady who had done exactly this - her husband was Polish and had an unpronounceable name, so they had picked a new surname when they got married. When I asked her why they hadn't just both used her maiden name, she said 'Oh no, a woman always changes her name at marriage' at which point I had to quash the indignant feminist within me and remember that society was very different back in the days when they had married.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 12/07/2012 08:40

I had a friend at college who had grown up with a violent father so changed her name to elleschild as her mother was called eleanor, I thought this was lovely.

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