...to hate having selfish family visitors

[SireeDubs]

My DH's brother and his family arranged to come and visit after 5 years of uncomfortable stand-off, caused by terrible rows between my MIL and SIL (never involving us). My SIL contacted me and said they'd organised flights from Glasgow to Devon, so they could stay for a weekend and then have a holiday somewhere in Cornwall for a week. We were delighted. This was march.

As the date approached, we contacted them asking for any details, where would their DCs like to sleep, dietary reqs, arrival info etc. we heard nothing. I phoned, my DH phoned. Nothing. Then a couple of weeks ago, brother phoned my DH to say he'd come alone, as he and his mad wife had separated. Ok, no problem...

A couple of Sundays ago, my BIL rang to ask us to pick him up from the airport with his DCs. 6 days earlier than expected. No apology, just he 'forgot' to tell us. My husband works away, so a few hours later, he had to leave for London. I was left with demon spawn (as it turns out) and the least assertive man I've ever met. Next day, my DS1 tells me that one of his demon cousins had told him they were staying with us for TWO WEEKS and that his mother (estranged wife) was arriving the next weekend. This was reluctantly confirmed by unassertive BIL.

After 10 days of complete knackeration (making up words, am so tired), dealing with my 3 DC and his awful 2 (diets consist of high sugar cereal, crisps and chocolate), I'm at the end of my tether. We've been used as a doss house and cafe (where his children refuse to eat what mine eat of even what each other eat). His wife arrived and went to stay in a hotel, thank god, but now I hear (again via my ds1 and his cousin), that mad estranged wife is coming to stay from tomorrow.

Bearing in mind that I wasnt informed at any stage of any of this, I'm sure I won't be asked about her. She'll just turn up with him tomorrow. I like to think that I'm a compassionate and kind person, but I'm no mug. What do I do? I'm sure I'll just smile and make up a bed, but I want to make the point that I'm not happy with all of this. How to do it without alienating them again (not that we did in the first place). DH says 'eff it, he couldn't care less if they didn't come again. Ay advice out there, words of wisdom, comfort etc. or am I being unreasonable....

Sorry for rant and ramble!

YA Definitely NBU!!

I am at the mess they have left - what pigs!

Enjoy the peace and quiet (and gin)

Holy cow. They have some serious issues

I think I feel more sorry for those kids than I do for you OP. Their mother is an alcoholic and they must be feeling like crap a the parents have just separated. They are family and you should support them. You and dh are probably the only half decent people they can depend on.

The 11 nappies, crispbags and fudge smears are a symptom of the mother's dysfunction, not the children's.

Also, it is you that's been unassertive - it's your house and you were perfectly entitled to tell them what the rules were and make them stick to it. You shouldn't depend on hubby to do all the talking.

Sorry if I'm spoiling the sympathy party!

What about the father? Does he not have to clear up nappies?

fedup2012 admittedly, the woman has issues, but, just because they are family does NOT mean you have to support them. They are adults and as such are responsible for their own actions. Just because you happen to be biologically related to somebody does not entitle them to help automatically, you treat as you find and this includes family. Personal responsibility for your own actions is sadly lacking in many people.

SickOfPeopleUsingOthersInTheNameOfFamilyTiggaxx

fedup2012
I do know exactly what you mean. I'm not denying that after having family I hardly know for 2 weeks in my house, it wasn't nice to see them return home. However, I felt a lot of sadness for the situation the family is in, and I hope that next time we meet (somewhere else?!), we'll enjoy a more frank and friendly time.
Both adults have massive issues, and I've ignored a lot of the stuff as I feel they have bigger things on their minds and we've tried to entertain the kids while here. I've spent a lot of time talking to my BIL, and trying to let him know we're here for him and the boys. He's promised to do better at keeping in touch (we try regularly, to unanswered messages, calls etc). I'd like to say the same for her, but I think the sooner they're apart properly, the better they'll be. She's poisonous and selfish and never misses an opportunity to undermine and belittle my BIL at a time when he's very low (after trying to keep the family afloat for years). I don't wish her any ill, I just want her to carry on her new (and hopefully teetotal) life away from me.
I still don't quite know how you can pitch up with unruly kids to your brother's house (if he works away). I tolerated a lot, I know, but having seen the full extent of their snags, I'm rather glad I did now. At least he may go home with a straighter head and happier kids, and closer to us in the long run.....

AIBR?!

The woman may well be poisonous and selfish, she's an alcoholic, it goes with the territory. I'm glad you see that you've actually done a lot of good by having them stay, you should be proud of yourself and your dp.

I've recently had a bereavement and it's a bit of a sore subject, but we need to look after our dysfunctional relatives - for the sake of their children. If you show solidarity with BIL and his children it will mean a lot to them and give them strength to deal with the alcoholic mother.

You have indeed been very reasonable.

Agree with justa for the sake of your own sanity. Have mad dysfunctional relatives of my own and whilst see the need to give parents a break and dns other adult influences it tend to feel like a very long week when we have them to stay even with boundaries in place

I would suggest that in the future, your DH calls BIL and makes it clear you'll take the DCs only for a break - it will be easier to lay down rules with the DCs not expect adults only just holding themselves together to control their DCs.

That way you give them a break and 'do your bit' that's a bit more pleasant for everyone...

I want to know if you had to drink your lovely gin in the bedroom so as not to tempt the alcoholic!!

mushroomsoup haha! Actually, I asked what was best for her in the circumstances. She said just to go ahead as usual, as she was relaxed with it. In the end we had a couple of glasses of wine only, as I'm sure it can't be that easy for her.
Selfishly, having news like that does make you take stock...., but I'm sure Mr Bombay Sapphire and I will remain friends no matter what (anyway am a total lightweight these days)

Cheers!

I hope you can continue to support your BIL, if only to protect him and his dcs from the boozy Mum.

I love you. Please be my SIL. My DCC are out of nappies and i have a rule of staying mo longer than 3 nights at friends/family.

Next time "remember" a trip you have booked away and get rid of them after one night. Drive in the opposite direction to them when they leave and proceed for a mile or two. Then go back home. There is no question of you doing your bit. Her difficulties as an alcoholic are not yours - I am sure you have your own problems to deal with. Even better - just say No, not convenient.