Aibu or is big sis?

[violathing]

Basically sis thinks I should give up my job to help care for our elderly mum I Would love to help out more but financially I am not able to. Mum has a serous heart condition which means she can't do much anymore. She was hospitalised last week cos she collapsed. My sis does an awful lot, she does not work and her kids are grown up with babies of their own. I have a 5yo son who takes up a lot of my time.. I visit mum nearly everyday and help wher I can, walk thr dog, do shopping etc but apparently she doesnt like Ds visiting as he is too lively and it causes stress according to sis but have no one to look after him if I don't take him with me. Dh Is Se and works al hours bad I never know what time he wil be home. I feel so guilty and heartbroken that all the resnsibility fas on sis, we also have a brother who rarely visits
Any advice please? My mum is 78

Yanbu! What are you supposed to live off?

No you should not give up your job. Your sister has no right to dictate your employment.

Giving up a job ATM is not a wise move.

Your sister doesn't work and presumably be your mothers carer?

It's harsh but the whole family giving up work to care for one person strikes me as unnecessary when it sounds like you go what you can anyway

To be blunt (not in a mean way, honestly) but could it be time to think about maybe a sheltered housing type scheme for your mum to move into? Somewhere where there are people on call if she has a fall or takes ill, who can be there immediately, round the clock, to help her. It sounds like everything is getting too much for your sister, and it would be a shame to have a major family falling out over the situation. It might be time to look for a more permanent arangement with outside help.

You can't afford it, so there will have to be another solution. It's as simple as that really.

YANBU. Sounds like you are doing a hell of a lot already. It's not unreasonable that you have to work and you need to look after your DS. Does your brother live nearby? What's the reason for him not visiting much?

Maybe she should be pressuring your brother? YANBU - you are doing what you can. Your sister is better placed to help, even though it does mean that more responsibility falls on her. That's how it goes, unfortunately.

I'm not sure how yous Sis thinks giving up your job will help, you still have a DS to look after. He may be at scholl but it will soon be the holidays and he will be around all of the time then.

I feel for your Sister that she has all the responsibility, but to ask someone to give up a job is incredibly unreasonable.

i'm sure there must be some social care available to your Mum, both you and your sister should look into that.

Yanbu. For all the reasons you have stated. I appreciate it must be difficult for your sister. But you have a job and a son. Your circumstances are different and so you can't both offer the same.
My mum helps look after her dad, her other sister doesn't work at all (mum does) the amount of care given reflects that. Her sister doesn't mind do more because she has more time.
Unfortunately though if your sister can not cope and you can't help anymore, you both need to think of bringing in outside help. Just because she doesn't work or have small children, doesn't mean its easy for her either. She may be just feeling emotionally/ physically drained and logically knows you can't do as wants you to.
I think you need to have a sit down and talk about bringing caters in/and or if a care home may be the best option.
Sorry its a shit situation for both of you and not one that is simple to resolve. Because of peoples emotions.

I have absolutely no advice, I can only sympathise.

My grandmother died last year and prior to that she spent a decade in and out of hospital and was increasingly frail.

My mother visited her twice weekly - drove there after work.

My brother lived with my mother for much of that time and when he didn't he lived near to my grandma's house and the hospital she was frequently admitted to.

When he lived with my mother, who has a car, she drove them both over. When he didn't, he lived a 25 minute bus journey/10 minute drive away.

I was a lone parent of a toddler when it started. I caught two trains a day to university in another city and then 2 back again. Every day. I didn't have access to a car. And my grandma lived 2 buses and over an hour away.

No one ever offered to drive me over to see my grandma, no one offered to look after DS while I went.

I physically didn't have the energy, practically didn't have the means and logistically didn't have the time to visit more than I did.

They didn't understand. All they could see was the burden of responsibility they felt and the sense that the pressure on them would be relieved if only I did my 'fair share'. Unfortunately, it's not always that simple. It's stressful for all of you.

Your sister feels the responsibility, you feel the guilt.

Yanbu, you cannot just give up your job.
You also have a child to look after, if she is not working she has the time to put in-you don't.
She shouldn't be pressurising you, it isn't on.

yanbu! You need to support yourself and your family and it sounds like you are absolutely devoted to your mum.:) If your sister doesn't want to care for your mum or can't cope without more help then perhaps you guys need to look at getting some extra help from social services?

Your sister sounds like she is in a different stage of life then you - her children are grown and she doesn't work.

You, however, have a young child and need to work. So you cannot possibly contribute as much time as she does.

She is BU.

It sounds like your sister might be frustrated that she is doing most of the work with your DM, when in her eyes she has two other able siblings who could share the load. I do not have any suggestions on how you can help your DM and DS though, as I have not yet been in this situation.

Your sister needs you to acknowledge that it's your problem as much as hers.
I had this with my family. I run my own business and work from home. My siblings are teachers and lawyers. Because in theory I had more flexibility I ended up doing pretty much everything. My siblings would say that they did their bit but one was all by phone and the others didn't realise that saying 'I'm not going to be able to see Mum this week as I'm really busy' was another way of saying that the buck stopped with me. I had flexibility but I still had as much work to do, plus 2 children taking major exams, employees to support, spouse with health issues...
You talk about 'helping out more' - who are you helping, your mum or your sister? Because you shouldnt be 'helping' your sister, you should be dealing with the challenges together. It really isn't any more her responsibility than yours and the pressure of feeling that it's all on your shoulders isn't good.
I agree with Pom, it may well be time to look at more sheltered accomodation options.

Thnx for the advice I work school hours and am home by4 so I get up when I can. My munis well off and has good pensio provision and I have suggested she employs a cleaner and gardener to help out. The annoying thing is that mum gave us kids 500quid each as a gift to buy something to treat ourselves when this cash would have been better spent on help. She is so stubborn and will not do this . She as it in her mind that she is dying even thoughbshe would not admit it

Can your mother not apply for carers/attendance allowance?

If she's been in hospital, what care package was put in place before she was discharged? Next time she is admitted, you both just need to tell the hospital that she needs care in the home as you are not in a position to provide it.

She has a bungalow with an emergency alarm thing that contacts sis if there is a problem. She will never leave the bungalow it is in a rural idyllic location with poor transport so she relies on us for travel too.

What is careers allowance? No idea she is quite well off about 1500 pm in pensions

YA SONBU. Your sister has absolutely no right to suggest you give up your means of income.

This is precisely what Social Services are for. Contact them, to see what home help services they can get to top up the time you and your Sis are putting in.

If it's felt that more sheltered accommodation would be better for her, they can assess her and put the wheels in motion or advise you on care going forwward.

Don't try to struggle on, this is your mum, see what help/advice you and your sister can get.

The annoying thing is that mum gave us kids 500quid each as a gift to buy something to treat ourselves when this cash would have been better spent on help. She is so stubborn and will not do this

and

She will never leave the bungalow it is in a rural idyllic location with poor transport so she relies on us for travel too.

I'm sorry, but your mum needs to start taking some responsibility for her own care then. She needs to pay for someone else to do the housework and taxis.

It's not ideal, but it's a reality we all need to face at some point.

Agree with FolkGirl. It is hard, but please don't let your mother refuse to consider good options while expecting you and your sister to put your lives on hold for her. It may be time for all the siblings to sit down with your mother and discuss where you go from here.

You can't just chuck in your job and obviously small children are lively and you can't park him on a meter outside while you visit your dm. YANBU. But I feel for your dsis. She may have said those things in the stress and frustration of the moment. Even if she's not working and her kids are grown up, it doesn't mean she can manage the huge emotional and physical and logistical side of being the main carer. Very hard for both of you. Maybe try and get some extra outside help with the mundane things, freeing up dsis to spend quality time rather than drudgery time with dm?

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