Aibu or is big sis?

[violathing]

Basically sis thinks I should give up my job to help care for our elderly mum I Would love to help out more but financially I am not able to. Mum has a serous heart condition which means she can't do much anymore. She was hospitalised last week cos she collapsed. My sis does an awful lot, she does not work and her kids are grown up with babies of their own. I have a 5yo son who takes up a lot of my time.. I visit mum nearly everyday and help wher I can, walk thr dog, do shopping etc but apparently she doesnt like Ds visiting as he is too lively and it causes stress according to sis but have no one to look after him if I don't take him with me. Dh Is Se and works al hours bad I never know what time he wil be home. I feel so guilty and heartbroken that all the resnsibility fas on sis, we also have a brother who rarely visits
Any advice please? My mum is 78

What does your mum want? Is she willing to get help from outside the family? Sounds like she would be eligible for attendance allowance which she could use to employ some one.

Crossroads offer a great service and may be in your area, they provide support to carers as well as those needing the care.

Would she accept social work involvement? She and your sis can ask for assessment and there maybe services available to help her.

You are NBU, your mum wouldn't want you to destitute yourself.

She won't do anything for herself anymore totally reliant on others for everything. I even have to make phone calls on her behalf to sort out admin stuff cos she won't do it.
My mum also disapproves of me working and thinks I should be a Sahm like she was. Says OOSC is no place for Ds, have had to work since he was 9 months would love to be SAHM

Ok, she can apply for attendance allowance. If you ring today, any payments will be back dated to today. It is a fairly straightforward form to fill in but you will probably have to help her if she is admin phobic. It is not means tested as far as I know. I used to be a social worker working with older people but I left before the current govt got in so not up to date on what got cut where.

Info on attendance allowance here

Carers allowance isn't means tested on savings but there is an earnings ap of £100 a week. Your sis may be eligible to apply for that.

Your mum doesn't have to necessarily think of leaving her home. To be quite honest, most sheltered schemes offer little extra support compared to the lifeline alarm system she already has. The next step up would be extra care housing which does give more support.

There are in home services, and your mum could employ someone through direct payments rather than have home care if she would prefer. Info here There are usually charities that help with the admin if that was a route she wanted to go down.

Do feel free to PM me if you think I can be of any help

Thnx quick real useful info will certainly follow up

Don't think sw would qualify for attendance allow she can wash and dress and cok simple meals etc just not do anything too physical, it is heart failure that is wrong and she has t o take lts of diff medicines.

Perhaps your sister could sometimes have your son whilst you see your mum?

As for giving up your job-why would you??!!

Hmm, sounds like your mum is trying to manipulate you into complying with her wishes for your life - is that the sort of thing she'd be likely to do?

You have to make the right choices for you and no one else in your family should be trying to change that, however unwell they are. Perhaps your mum is refusing to do these things to try and force you into helping more - don't give in to it.

If she can wash, dress and cook for herself what does she need you and your sister to be at her beck and call for?

What is "anything too physical"?

I agree, Thumbwitch.

I think it would make much more sense to point out to your sister that your mum is deliberately disabling herself and it is not in her best interests that the two of you pander to her petulant demands (you have to make her phonecalls for her? FFS!). Yes she has a heart condition, but that doesn't mean she has to take to her chaise longue and smelling salts. She is using it to get you and your sister to dance attendance on her. What was she like before all this? Demanding, or a worrier, or something else?

Seriously, the best way to make yourself unwell is to sit on your arse and do nothing.

I don;'t think you should give up your job but equally i imagine your sister doesn't really expect it. I imagine she just doesn;t want to shoulder the total responsibility of caring for your mum, which i can empathise with.
I think you all need to get together, discuss the options, decide what care your mum need s(not what she wants!) and agree on how to move forward, who will do what, and what external, paid for help can be made available
While its not fair to expect you to give up your job, its not fair that your sister has to put her life on hold to care for your mum jst because she happens to live a it closer and her children are older.

And as for "she doesnt like Ds visiting as he is too lively and it causes stress according to sis" - bollocks to that! That sounds as if your sister has inherited your mother's manipulative streak.

Too physical is cleaning gardening waking the dog doing shopping getting public transport to any apps incl doc and hospital dentist hairdresser optician etc...

Could she get a cleaner and a gardener?

She could shop online (or you could do it for her) or get the ring and ride (my grandma who had angina and died of a heart attack used to get the ring and ride from her retirement flat to the local sainsbury's).

Perhaps a mobile hairdresser is an option and taxis to the drs.

I can understand her wanting someone there for hospital visits which can be long, boring and worrying.

But really, there are other options for her to get support other than relying on you two.

I agree with whoever said she is 'deliberately disabling' herself.

It's not about abandoning her to do it all alone, but recognising that she may be expecting her children to do things for her that she could still be doing herself.