To not let DC tay overnight with GPs?

[Skaramoosh]

My DD is 14 months, she was breastfed at night up until one month ago which ruled out any overnight stays, which was fine with me as I didn't feel I needed an overnight break. Now she is no longer breastfed her GPs (my PILs) are desperate for her to sleep over. I am not keen for the following reasons:
They have just one bedroom and no floor space for travel cot or inflatable bed so she'd have to share their bed.
They smoke, although they wouldn't if DC was there, but their house still stinks of it, sorry to be judgy but I don't like this around children.
I don't actually know PILs well as only met them properly when I was pregnant so it's still a new relationship between us & I feel uncomfortable leaving my child with them as although they're DDs family they are more or less strangers to me at the moment.

DP and PILs are getting impatient with my reluctance to allow overnight visits. I loved staying with my GPs as a child and want my daughter to have the same kind of memories but AIBU to want to allow this in my own time? Possibly when DC is old enough to ask to stay over? My own family live too far away for me to 'test' an overnight stay with them, which is unfortunate as it might have been easier for me due to none of the issues bring present which I mentioned above!

YANBU. I've never understood GPs pushing to have a baby to stay overnight, what could they possibly get out of it at that age? I think you need to be firm, they do not have appropriate accommodation for her and if they smoke in the house at all, even when she's not there, it's not nice for her to have to sleep in that atmosphere. She's your child, you have the right to say no.

I wouldn't let my baby sleep in the same bed as people I don't know very well, especially if they were smokers.

YANBU at all

YANBU. Good luck finding a tactful way to put them off.

I'm normally all for children staying with their grandparents but I would be unhappy about the smoking and sharing a bed

Eeeuugh at baby in bed with pil who smoke - why does your dp think that is normal??!! Surely they have space somewhere for a cot? Even if downstairs in living room?

I would never let my kids stay anywhere where the only sleeping accomodation was in a bed with an adult.
If you're a co-sleeping fan then you maybe have to justify why sleeping with you is OK but someone else isn't, but I accidentally fell asleep in the same bed whilst feeding my eldest and woke to find I'd pulled the duvet up over his head. He was put in his own bed after that.
I also don't see the attraction of having a young baby overnight unless babysitting. It should be for your benefit not theirs.

Why on earth don't you know your own child's grandparents very well?! You have a child with their son - get to know them! It's part of your job, and theirs.

That aside, I don't think you are unreasonable about the overnight stay right now. I wouldn't leave my child overnight in a smokers household as I couldn't trust they wouldn't smoke whilst he/she was there. It's an addiction afterall.

Sharing a bed with smokers is a huge no no. And what would she get out of it? She's just a baby, she'd be totally confused.

Wait until she's old enough to ask - and maybe sleep on airbed in living room or something like that.

YANBU because of the smoking and bed-sharing. I do feel it's important to have a good relationship with the GPs though.

My DS has been trying to persuade my DiL to let the GC stay with us for some time now.We have a spare room for them to sleep in and plenty for them to do, and have them in the day sometimes. She is just the kind of Mum who likes to keep her children close, and has always said no until now.
Their first sleepover is booked for a couple of weeks time and they are 5 and 3, and it will actually be a adventure for them. I don't see why any GP should push to have the children against the wishes of the parents.
YANBU.

I can understand why you feel worried about it and 14 months is still very wee. But I also sympathise with your parents in law and think it is lovely that they want to be properly involved and have her overnight. I think that your partner's wishes are important here too. He probably feels a bit insulted that you don't trust his parents- big arguing potential in that one, I'd have thought! I think you need to talk things through with him- it may be that you are just not ready to be separated from her at night yet (I wasn't when my kids were that age) and I think that is fine but you need to own that as your feeling rather than coming up with "objective" reasons against it. This might also help you stand firm as I think your objections as stated in the OP are not insurmountable- eg she could go in a travel cot in the living room, they could air the flat for a week and smoke outside, how will you/she get to know them if she doesn't see them etc etc etc.

Do they ever get to take her out for a morning/afternoon/day? That might be a more reasonable first step.

Sorry for posting this question twice (blaming iPod...)
Thanks for the responses everyone.
I'm not a co-sleeper myself 2rebecca and agree that if DD doesn't sleep in bed with DP and I it would be a strange decision for me to allow her to do it in someone else's bed.
Sparkle, I agree and am working on it! The trouble I've had is the MIL in particular completely blanks me when I speak and dismisses it by saying, "Oh sorry, I'm just too transfixed by my beautiful granddaughter to pay attention" I think this is completely rude which has unfortunately made me less inclined to make as much effort as I would normally but I do still try even though 9/10 my questions etc are left hanging in the air! DP has pulled her up in this but no change as yet! Shame really as I think she's a nice person generally.
They could actually put the travel cot in the living room so that would be an option though I'd be a little concerned they'd still put her in bed as would want to 'keep an eye on her' .... wish these things could just be straightforward!

YANBU-smoking and bed sharing no no no.

Also, does your DD know them very well?

Maybe you could try and set up a few daytime activities for them to take her to. They get to know each other and the GPs don't feel like they're missing out that way.

To be fair, I love my parents dearly and they pretty much ignore me when my DDs around, so try not to take that personally.

Jandy - thank you, really good to hear from the perspective of a grandparent & I hope you have an excellent first sleepover.
Scummy, you are quite right, I am not ready yet to let her stay away from me overnight but I think I would be ok with it if it was for a reason e.g DP and I going away for the night rather than letting DD stay away just for the sake of it, at this young age anyway. DP doesn't think that me not feeling ready is a valid reason & that it would be unreasonable for me to cite that to his parents, I also can't give them my other reasons either however as these are "rude". Struggling a bit as don't want to, and won't, let DD stay just to be polite!

Ask your dp if he wants your dd sharing the bed with you two every night !!? Also stick to your guns on this - don't be bullied into giving your child to them
Over night just 'because they want her' - why do they want her whilst she sleeps??? Just start off with an hour or two ( somewhere outside in case of smoking) and let them build a relationship with her first

I think I would just say to dp and the pils: "Judge me all you like but I am not ready and that's that." As politely as possible! It has the advantage of being true and placing the reason within you and not them and therefore giving you the control over deciding when you are ready.

The danger of saying, effectively, "I am not opposed in principle but... you are smoky yuksters/I don't want her co-sleeping with you/she doesn't know you and nor do I/delete as applicable," is:

1. they may make the necessary adjustments and you will still be the bad guy saying no because the truth is you are not ready.
2. DP and pils will feel you are criticising them and it will probably lead to very bad feeling.

Quick - my DD does know them quite well, sees them once/twice per week and always enjoys seeing them. So although I don't have a grey relationship with them (not bad, just a bit uncomfortable) thankfully DD gets on with them wonderfully and they dote on her which is great. Right. I'm going to be diplomatic about this but keep my foot down! I'm not ready to let DD stay over & we'll have to make suitable sleeping arrangements first. Nobody will really benefit if I feel forced into handing over my DD so I'll insist we wait until she's a little older & we have addressed all of my concerns (and theirs, if they have any)
Thank you for all your opinions

YANBU. Most definitely not.
Firstly, the sleeping arrangements are unacceptable. I would never let my children stay anywhere where they would have to share a bed with adults. The least i would expect is your DC to have her own cot!
Secondly, there is no time limit on when you will be ready to feel comfortable allowing your DC to stay away overnight. My own children are only now just starting to stay with GP (my parents who i trust my children with completely and who adare them!) overnight, and they are 5 and 4. It does not prevent them having a fantastic, loving, relationship with their grandparents.
I have only left my children very occasionally (with my DH and their father!) overnight and hated it (although the kids were absolutely fine without me)
Stick to your guns - never ever feel pressured to hand your DC over in a situation you are not comfortable with

YANBU. Smoking and co sleeping are huge no - nos.
Can you point your DP towards some infor from SIDE for example - make him realise that your concerns are very real.

Good for you Skaramoosh. I think you are right, she is still a baby and if you don't feel happy you should not be forced into letting her stay.

I would also add that I expect if you were to speak to your Dr or HV they would say the co sleeping was a bad idea. So you are not being PFB about this.

Yanbu. I wouldn't let dc stay with gp until they are old enough to understand and only if the sleeping arrangements were acceptable, ie not a smoking house, in their own cot etc.

FWIW, I never stayed over with my gp when I was growing up, it didn't do me any harm, I liked my own bed and staying with my mummy :)

FWIW OP - my DC's haven't stayed on their own with my DP's or PILS and DC's are 5 and nearly 3. My DM adores her GC's, but her ill health makes it tricky for her to look after them, plus they were both nightmare sleepers.

Stick to your guns, smile when you say it and tell them you are just not ready, not yet.. end of

If you aren't comfortable with the idea - and I'd be unhappy about the bed sharing too - then go with your instincts and tactfully say that you don't think your dd is quite ready for sleepovers yet.

I can speak from a grandmotherly perspective too (dgd is 18 months old) and I've never understood this insistence that your very little dgc have to sleep over at such a young age. We've got plenty of rooms for dgd to sleep in but at the moment, if ds2 and ddil want a night off, I sleep at theirs. Because at 18 months, it makes life easier for everyone if dgd can sleep in her cot in her own bedroom. She's a very adaptable little girl, as it happens, but none of us see any reason to disrupt what are now very good sleeping habits just for the sake of it. Let alone because I have some sort of right to insist she sleeps over. There will be plenty of chances for sleepovers when she's a little older.

I'm a granny, but imo the smoking nd bed-sharing is an absolute deal-breaker.
And unless they give up and deep-clean the house, it would remain a deal-breaker.