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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let DC tay overnight with GPs?

43 replies

Skaramoosh · 11/07/2012 09:40

My DD is 14 months, she was breastfed at night up until one month ago which ruled out any overnight stays, which was fine with me as I didn't feel I needed an overnight break. Now she is no longer breastfed her GPs (my PILs) are desperate for her to sleep over. I am not keen for the following reasons:
They have just one bedroom and no floor space for travel cot or inflatable bed so she'd have to share their bed.
They smoke, although they wouldn't if DC was there, but their house still stinks of it, sorry to be judgy but I don't like this around children.
I don't actually know PILs well as only met them properly when I was pregnant so it's still a new relationship between us & I feel uncomfortable leaving my child with them as although they're DDs family they are more or less strangers to me at the moment.

DP and PILs are getting impatient with my reluctance to allow overnight visits. I loved staying with my GPs as a child and want my daughter to have the same kind of memories but AIBU to want to allow this in my own time? Possibly when DC is old enough to ask to stay over? My own family live too far away for me to 'test' an overnight stay with them, which is unfortunate as it might have been easier for me due to none of the issues bring present which I mentioned above!

OP posts:

holyfishnets · 11/07/2012 13:13

shared bed with strangers who smoke is a no from me. your DD would feel very confused indeed.

Google co-sleeping, smoking and SIDS together and you will find tons of info on why it's bad. If it's that serious and dangerous for a baby, then it must still be bad for a toddler.

I'd be honest and tactful with GP's and DH. Get him to read the info.

margarethamilton · 11/07/2012 15:28

YANBU.

Having same issue with SIL too. She wants DD to have a sleepover when she's four months old (she has specified the week she wants her). She has overexcited my niece about the prospect (nephew seems nonplussed) when myself and DH haven't agreed ("We'll see nearer the time" etc.) It's obvious we've tried put her off - my MIL has even phoned my DM to tell her it's not really a good idea! She has tried to sell it to us with, "You two can have a nice night out". So why not come over and baby sit then?

It seems she wants for her and my niece want to treat our pfb like a doll almost, showing her off, pushing her about in pram without really thinking about the reality. They've already started this with another relative's newborn DD. I have no idea why anyone would want someone's very young baby in the house overnight. The fact that I plan to exclusively breastfeed doesn't even seem to have entered her head.

Our baby hasn't even been born yet BTW and already it's started.

OP - The smoking would be enough for me to put my foot down over this. Does your DH appreciate the link between this and SIDS? You need to get him onside.

hackmum · 11/07/2012 15:28

YANBU. Not fair on DD to expect her to share a bed with these people or to be around smokers. Also, at that age, isn't it likely she would miss you badly? It's very very young to be away from your mum and she might get upset.

olgaga · 11/07/2012 15:49

Tell them you think she's too young, and there will be plenty of opportunity for that when she's older if she wants to.

Ask them when they started allowing their babies to sleep over - I bet they never did!

MamaMaiasaura · 11/07/2012 15:50

Yanbu

diddl · 11/07/2012 16:24

I think for some families it´s the "norm" & not for others.

I never slept at GPs & my children never have done.

Did your husband regularly do this & that´s why he wants it for his daughter, or does he just not want to say no to his parents?

Nancy66 · 11/07/2012 16:34

she's far too young to be staying overnight with virtual strangers

reastie · 11/07/2012 16:38

YANBU at all, for many many reasons. Even if the co sleeping/smoking issues wern't there, I don't think any GPs should be pressurising for their GC to stay with them - why would this be essential for a good relationship as some people seem to be hinting at? I genuinely have no idea.

BurningBridges · 11/07/2012 17:27

margarethamilton after reading that I just had to join in - DH's Brother and SiL insisted I leave DD1 with them when she was 4 weeks old. I said no she's too young, maybe another time, and they never spoke to me again. That was over 10 years ago. DH sided with them. It was very much as you say, that my baby was to be a "doll" for them and their then 13 year old daughter. They did the same thing to SiL's relative as well.

OP don't let them use your DD as a tool to divide you and DH, they can see her during the day loads, they have nothing to complain about.

margarethamilton · 11/07/2012 17:38

Burning That's awful! I can't believe they never spoke to you again! I honestly thought it was just me with this problem bizarre SIL.

Dropdeadfred · 11/07/2012 17:39

Jeez Burningbridges... What happened with you and your dh after all that?

jellybeans · 11/07/2012 17:43

YANBU. It's far too young unless you are totally happy. Mine were about 3 or 4 when first slept at GPs. They went for outings etc from small babies but just for a couple of hours. Nothing wrong with that at all. Just say have GC for an afternoon instead while she was little. Just keep repeating you can have DC for..... but not overnight yet.

Oogaballoo · 11/07/2012 17:50

Four weeks old, BurningBridges? That's ridiculous! I would have gone mental at anyone who "insisted" I leave any of my children with them overnight at that age. Poor you.

2rebecca · 11/07/2012 17:51

I only ever slept at my grandparents when we were visiting them. My kids occasionally stayed with GPs when young without us, but usually just if we were attending a child free wedding or something. They have had holidays without us with grandparents when older as we both work so now the GPs have retired it's handy for them to take them away for a week.
In general though we all visit grandparents together and I'd hope my dad is as pleased to see me as he is my kids so I haven't really come across the grandparents wanting divorced parent type contact with grandkids but without parents thing. It's that i find odd.
We are a mobile family though so the generations don't live near each other so if we visit we generally visit as a family.

Socknickingpixie · 11/07/2012 18:01

yanbu.

i know i get rather heated about this subject and i do feel strongly about it and i understand others dont but its how i feel.

i do not understand the notion that gc's need to sleep over at gp's unless they are older children and live very far away.
you dont need to have a child to stay over so you can have a good relationship with them and neither does the child need the same.

when it gets to insisting or being pushy or turning stuff like this into an issue then in my books that means you can fuck right off, you are making your needs more important than the childs and the childs parent.

its different if the child requests it without being manipulated to or the parent asks or if its a occasional treat but treating gc's like they are your children to demand or insist on 'access visits' is beyond wrong,there is no sense in it whatso ever.demanding gc's have sleep overs at yours is just the same as doing the access thing.

its different if grand parents and parents feel the same way about the matter but if they dont then tough shit what the parents say goes and you can bluster about it as much as you want but it wont change a thing.
chances are not demanding not pushing and not blustering will make a huge difference.

Rubirosa · 11/07/2012 18:08

YANBU

My ds has stayed over at his GPs several times since he was 6 months old - it has been fine, but has been because we have needed the childcare. I think my parents have enjoyed it but found it tiring!

I wouldn't say my ds (now nearly 2) has really "gained" anything from the experience though, certainly nothing over just visiting his GPs or staying over with me. Maybe when he is 3, 4, 5 years old a sleepover at Grandma's will be an exciting treat, but it isn't particularly now. Under 2s would always rather be with their parents.

Sallyingforth · 11/07/2012 18:09

In order not to offend DP and PiLs too much, couldn't you just say that at her very young age when you've only just stopped BF, you just can't bear to be away from her overnight?

popsypie · 11/07/2012 18:18

YANBU at all. My pils always wanted to have my dds before I was ready for it. I could not see what benefit it would be as I would be stressed without them.

The one time I let them have them overnight they had them stood at door the next morning about to walk to the train station to get the train to the seaside. It was December and they had not asked me if they could take them! They did not have the right clothes for it at all. There has been a bit of a lack of trust since then.

My bil has since had a dd and they get free reign with her and love it, I am not like that - my kids, my rules. I would never allow my dds to co sleep with smokers. You may just have to be totally honest and say the smoking and sleeping situation means it is never going to happen. Who wants their baby in a travel cot downstairs either?

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