or is my husband? sex related..

[merryplopppins]

Thought that might get your attention!
It seems that, after a long conversation last night,(post coital) that my husband is finding our sex life boring and unimaginative. He has a desire for a bit more excitement. Nothing really out there, just a bit more foreplay and not always the same positions. Maybe a bit more frequency too as we only manage about once a week at best.
I have a DD of 4 and DS of 11 months, and maybe predictably my sex drive has taken a bit of a beating. The trouble is i find i don't really have much desire or energy for anything other than quick sex (you know, just the things you know will get results quickly then just go to sleep.)
Its terribly sad that i feel like this as i used to be very highly sexed and up for most things in the bedroom. I find it hard to fake my interest in sex when to be truthful i have very little interest and really just can't be arsed with the whole thing.
Maybe should have posted this in relationships but wanted some responses to see if this is a common problem (i suspect it is!)

Neither of yabu.

Did you tell him how you feel? What was his response?

It is totally normal to lose your sex drive after a baby, even 11 months down the line you don't need to feel like you should be highly sexed.

Do you know what's making you not want sex? Are you too tired, or just general lack of interest all together?

My DH and I do date-nights (I know that's really cliche) but spending time with him away from the baby might rekindle something.

Very, very common problem. Plus 11 month DS will still be taking it's toll. It'll come back (the highly sexed moods) but you have to want it to come back. Once a week is not too bad incidentally, but perhaps it's more quality rather than frequency.

The key is to finding out why you can't be arsed anymore. Do you still find DH attractive? Does he turn you on? If not, why not, and what can be done to change this?

Laziness, apathy, boredom - all killers in the bedroom and ultimately killers of relationships. If you take a step back you'll see that it isn't just you, it's both of you i.e. he's bored with the sex life, but quite clearly, so are you. So the answer is what can you both do to improve things? What can you do to get your bodies and minds back to when you were both highly sexed and interested in doing more.

Be completely honest about things. Communicate. And definitely NO FAKING lol!

The sex drive is there. Find out what's changed and what can be changed to get it back. When you used to be very highly sexed and up for most things in the bedroom, did you enjoy it? I'm sure you did or you wouldn't have mentioned it, so try and remember exactly how that felt and what you enjoyed about it. You can have those feelings again (and they're worth reigniting!) but as I mentioned, you have to want them back first.

Agree, neither of YABU.

Certainly things change so much with small children, and lots of what make us feel sexy as in desirable and desiring get put on the back burner with all you describe.

Sexiness has to have the head space not just the physical umph to be sizzling, so discussing how you could give each other a boost to allow the sexiness to come back is vital. You can't just 'make an effort' because that just makes it a chore.

I find getting my fitness back makes a difference as I feel more attractive and have more energy, but it depends what it is about your life which is sapping it out of you at the moment. Also if my DH lets me hear how much he likes me it makes me feel more sexy, he is inclined not to talk about that stuff, but I explain I need to hear it, so he understands that makes a difference to me.

how much does he do to help you around the house and with the kids OP?

Neither of you are being unreasonable, I find that when both of us are running round like blue arsed flies and not actually spending any time together outside of the bedroom then my sex drive takes a major nose-dive. The last thing I want to do is have sex when I feel like I don't know who he is. When you have kids then certain things come under pressure, very often your special time together - don't put pressure on yourself to have sex more often, make time to talk to each other about anything and everything - especially things that don't involve the children. You were people before you had the kids, and you are still the same people. (not saying never talk about them, but just talk about your work day, your interests etc as well) you may well find that your sex drive will come back naturally, but don't stress about it as that will have the reverse affect.

and there's definitely no harm in experimenting in the bedroom (or any other room for that matter)either!

Once a week is good going !!!

We go months :) lol

Agree in a way neither of yabu, but if he's the one with the problem is he doing anything about it because moaning at you won't help and you've probably found what he's said quite hurtful.

If I was your dp I'd arrange a babysitter and take you out or arrange a romantic night in, take you shopping and treat you to something nice, book a night away something like that. I was feeling a little bored and in a rut with our sex life we were just doing the same thing 3 times a week so I made a big effort (won't go into details) to get things going.

This is totaly normal, but it doesn't mean that it has to continue.

Both of you need to want it to, though.

Perhaps look at sex aids, even flavoured massage oils and see if anything takes your fancy.

There does have to be no resentment over the division of labour and respect for each other's changing roles, though, to have a good sex life after children.

is he doing anything about it

He brought it up for discussion.

moaning at you won't help

Where does it say he "moaned at her"?

There does have to be no resentment over the division of labour and respect for each other's changing roles, though

I agree.

3 times a week, Jiggle! 3 times a month would be good going at home at the moment... Last time DH and I talked about sex, we had a bit of an argument that culminated in me pointing out that working full time and doing more than half the housework meant that I was too tired to swing from the chandelier too... He has started to do much more around the house...

OP, sounds normal to me, the key thing is for you both to acknowledge what is happening and both work to get the bedroom spark back.

Telling your partner that you find your sex life boring and unimaginative could potentially be seen as moaning and could also be quite hurtful.

I know when I was feeling like this i I'd told my dp that I found our sex life boring and unimaginative he'd have been quite hurt and probably not in the mood. So personally I prefer a more subtle approach of making nice plans and making the effort, creating situations where the magic will happen.

A long drawn out conversation wouldn't get me in the mood. A babysitter, a shopping trip to buy me some new undies or clothes and a nice hotel might just. Only my opinion of course.

carernotasaint, I think your comment is unhelpful for two reasons. First of all it looks like you're getting ready to put the blame on the DH for the OP not feeling much up for sex. If you were trying to convince her or someone else that it isn't the wife's fault, then fine. But no-one has suggested this. So why play the blame game rather than respond constructively?

Secondly, and ironically, the terms of your question are very skewed. Are the house and the kids the wife's responsibility that the husband should 'help' her with? Of course not, anymore than a husband looking after his own children is 'baby-sitting'. There is no question of one person helping the other. They are both taking care of the home and children they share. It might be the case that they are making different contributions, and this may or may not be justified. But it's not a question of a DH 'helping' or not.

I don't mean to attack you, but it seemed like the assumption behind your question is that sex is a favour the wife does for the husband, in return for which he does her the favour of helping her with housework. Both of these are very skewed versions of how a marriage should work IMO.

Do you really think that this is about experimenting to spice things up? I would say its more likely DH is just clutching at straws in explaining himself.

You say "just things that will get results quickly" so it seems to me you are basically doing it to get it out of the way and satisfy him. Do you think he can't tell something's wrong hence this conversation? I would hate for DH to have sex just because I wanted it it would feel awful so if this is the case you have to tell him.

Tell him you cba, you are tired, lack drive etc, tell him it's nothing to do with your love for him then work on solutions like pp suggested time away from the kids to rekindle the spark (2 nights minimum the first for sleeping!).

softlysoftly I didn't take it like that at all, I assumed the once a week was for the benefit of the both of them. Women can enjoy a quickie too you know especially if they're tired and just want to get results.

LaLa, interesting, I hadn't read Carer's comment like you did. As i said in my earlier post, an unequal balance of housework in our case was definitely getting in the way of a decent sex life (I recently went back to work; neither of us had quite adjusted back to pre-DD life in terms of who does what around the house; I was knackered and a bit resentful. Not v erotic!).

Second the two night get away idea!

Hmm, I second the 'quality not quantity' idea. Once a week of good sex leaves both of us happy, we tend to go for a weekend morning, evenings we are just too tired. Also, testosterone levels are highest in the mornings, for both men and women, so it is easier to get aroused.
Difficult with a really little one though. Older small children can be sent to watch a DVD and teens sleep late anyway, but try it eh?
Another good one is afternoon, but you may need a childminder!

I am slightly jealous that the OP has a husband who is not too knackered for sex himself, wants more foreplay, wants it more often and to try different things.

I normally have a very high libido. Since giving birth, it's fallen dramatically. It's slowly coming back (baby's 10 months). It's nice your husband feels he can be honest but really he just has to accept the limitations for now. Like my husband, he should feel glad to just get it at all.

Families, I think you are definitely right that this ca be an issue; I just don't think that sharing housework fairly should be construed in terms of the male partner helping the female partner manage the household.

Ha Ha i know MarysBeard you would think i should be grateful!

The issue is my dh has a much higher sex drive than me. In the past he says he has suppressed this by looking at porn on the internet, which i found out about when he forgot to delete his search history. I confronted him and told him i was quite disgusted with the thought of him wanking over porn, and it gave me a rather horrid picture in my head that i really didn't appreciate.

The silly thing is we have looked at porn together before i had the children, but now i can't abide it at all. Its almost as if i have turned into a prude since having the kids. I guess as i get older i am just turning off that kind of thing.

In answer to the other posters my husband is pretty helpful at home, gets in from work by 5 every night, helps with kids etc... i really should be able to find it in me to be a little more giving to him. Obviously i am not talking about sex for help around home before anyone jumps on that!!

Once a week, OP? And with a DH who wants MORE foreplay?

Sorry, what was your problem again?

:o

50shades

How's the sleep situation with dcs?

Are you eating ok? Good and varied diet? Getting fresh air and bit of exercise? Just wondering if there's a way of improving your energy levels as that's a killer with dcs that young. Mine were the same age gap. Sadly my exdh didn't like sex even though I did. Luckily dp does

I hope you can both come to a compromise. At least he's being open although saying it's boring would've hurt my feelings if dp said it to me.

Hi merry my DD is 7mo and a few months ago DH and I were both complaining we weren't getting enough. We were down to once a fortnight and even then I'd get panicky if I saw the time as I'd be mentally calculating how much sleep I was going to miss out on

I explained this and we agreed we would go to bed early a couple of nights a week. It's worked wonders for us. We both have the energy to be imaginative if we go up an hour early or so.

Pastabee - I've done the sleep calculation too . I also said to DH that earlier nights were the answer. If I am exhausted and the choice is between sex or sleep then sleep wins hands down. I can function the next day without sex I can't function the next day without enough sleep.