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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to tell MIL I'm pregnant?

40 replies

lollipoppi · 10/07/2012 12:28

How long do you think I can get away with it.... 7/8/9 months?? :-)
We had a mc in march and MIL found out through DP, whilst I wasn't expecting sympathy, I certainly wasn't expecting for her to storm round to my house (whilst I was still going through mc) and yell at me about how stupid we are to even consider having another baby yet!!?? WTF?? "it's a blessing in disguise" apparently! I was too shocked and upset to say anything back at the time but I still want to rip her head off everytime I think about it!
We own a small successful business, own our house, were not well off but who the hell is ?

I'm 12 weeks now and while we should be excited were dreading telling her as she will just put a dampener on everything.
I just don't know how to handle her snide comments when we tell her, smile and nod? I'm not very quick with whitty comebacks, I know I will either just burst into tears or walk out the house!
Help!!!!

OP posts:

Buttwart · 10/07/2012 12:29

She makes snide comments, call her on it, immediately. It will only fester and stress you out.

adeucalione · 10/07/2012 12:33

I can only assume that she thought that the first pregnancy was unplanned (although that's no excuse for her behaviour of course) whereas it will now be obvious that the baby is very much wanted.

On that basis I would be surprised if she said anything negative, and indeed she should feel mortified about the comments she made previously.

However, should she say anything negative I would respond immediately with nothing more than 'did you mean to sound so unkind? we are utterly delighted and had hoped you would be too'.

GinPalace · 10/07/2012 12:34

Keep her out the the loop as long as possible, we didn't and we got 'so she won't be getting a job then, well we're not surprised' - oh the joy. (I am a mature mum with a long career behind me and have never been on benefits or anything so no idea what her problem with my work status is)

There is no point telling someone a piece of information they aren't going to be pleased to hear, so let her find out indirectly or when it is so obvious you can't avoid it.

If she complains or asks why, just say, all matter of fact 'well we didn't expect you to be happy about it based on your previous behaviour so didn't think it worth mentioning'

As for her snide comments, as a Mum to be you could practice your mum lines and say 'if you can't say anything nice how about you don't say anything at all' that should cover most situations without requiring too much quick wittedness or aggression on your part. :)

Nymia · 10/07/2012 12:34

The very first time she does it, tell her if she can't say anything nice then she'd better say nothing at all. A quick rebuke will shut her up and make her think twice before opening her gob.

After that, follow any critical remark with "I hope you can be more positive about your future grandchild; I'd hate it if they couldn't have a proper relationship with you in years to come."

lastnerve · 10/07/2012 12:34

Jesus christ how is she still living??

How did your DP react. I personally would have wiped her out of my life after that. there are some lines you cannot cross.

soozeedol · 10/07/2012 12:37

be bold and stand together as a couple....you are delighted and happy and so you share your news when you are ready....inform her that the door was open when she walked in and is still open if she doesn't like your news...get on board or ship out!!!
Your home...your rules...if she doesn't like it...she can f off....

pumpkinsweetie · 10/07/2012 12:40

I would keep a secret for aslong as you can, i managed 20 weeks with my dd2 as my mil has always been a nightmare too.
With dd3 & dd4 about 16 weeks as i showed quicker iyswim.
Your mil is a total bitch for shouting at you whilst miscarrying!-you are not at liberty to tell her until YOU want to op.
My pil just moaned at me for not having a boy with the last two and told me "never mind theres always next time"

griphook · 10/07/2012 12:41

I think you should just tell her and get over with. Personally I'd send her a text because I couldn't be bothered to give her the time of day. Something to the point and rude at the same time.
She lucky you still talk to her

Buttwart · 10/07/2012 12:42

Is there something that happens to parents when they become In Laws? Do they attend nasty class or something? There are so many awful ones around!

xMumof3x · 10/07/2012 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dropdeadfred · 10/07/2012 12:43

Oh my god!!! What did your dh say to her ? I'm truly surprised you are still in any kind of contact with her

elizaregina · 10/07/2012 12:44

I am in same situ - but dont really see mil so will hopefully be able to keep it a secret - ( would like to say forever) but until at least baby is a few months old!

she has created this situ - hold out for as long as possible, and say if nothing nice to say - .....dont feel guility op! MIls!!! arggghhhhhhhhh

Original poster

lollipoppi · 10/07/2012 12:56

Thank you for your replies and advise, and it's nice to know I'm not the only one with an evil MIL!
I should have said, we do have a DS he is 20mo, it's not like she has any babysitting responsibilities as "he is too much hard work" he is a toddler fgs of course he is!
Anyone would think she hasn't had kids! She has 4, two of which are twins!!

She is just evil, when we do see her all she does is slag off other family members with baby's and their parenting, I dread to think what she says about me!
Me and DP both in 30's and have had our business over 10 years we work hard and have a good life we love eachother and our DS to bits so I just don't understand her reasoning!!
My DP just says ignore her he is used to it really

OP posts:

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 10/07/2012 13:04

Congratulations on your pregnancy - many wishes for a safe and serene time of it!
Just don't mention it to her. Eventually she'll say something and you can just say "oh well you were so nasty when we lost our previous baby that we didn't feel like sharing our joy with you this time"
Or be blunt and say "why on earth would I tell you anything?" and do a face. Then turn and walk away. Anyone who is so bitter and twisted they could ever, for a nanosecond, think the loss of a baby is anything other than a tragedy, doesn't deserve anything from you.

elizaregina · 10/07/2012 13:07

mils like this are just a nightmare - i hate it - they should be so lucky and happy that they even had GC, my poor mum was 72 when she died and had one she didnt see through no fault of her own and never knew my DC.

they take it for granted its disgusting.

BUT she is obvioulsy very unhappy in herself these people always are.

DP hopefully will be a little more protective over you now you are pregnant?

i wish we could herd all these horrid MILs onto a special planet somewhere and keep them there!

Viviennemary · 10/07/2012 13:15

In view of her horrible behaviour you wouldn't be unreasonable not to want to tell her ever. She sounds awful. (When I first read the title I thought immediately YABU) No excuse whatsoever for her absolutely mean, unkind behaviour. No wonder you are dreading telling her. Avoid her completely as much as possible and I'd get my DH to tell her.

NotAnAxeMurderer · 10/07/2012 13:15

This is awful. It sounds like she won't be happy whatever you do or say. I agree with griphook - send a text. Then turn off your phone. If she comes round in person and rants and raves at you pretend to be very preoccupied with what you're doing. "Hmm? What was that? I was just polishing these spoons. Don't they look nice?"

I am a very petty person though so you probably shouldn't listen to me.

Congratulations!

DontmindifIdo · 10/07/2012 13:16

Well, firstly, congratulations!

You need your DH to open with "we've got some great news! We're having another baby, isn't that fantastic?" Making it perfectly clear you are both happy with the news, don't look worried or upset as she'll interpret that as 'this is a bad thing' when actually you are more worried about her reaction to your good news.

I would get him to call with the news, then he can hang up if she goes off on one about it. Hopefully you can avoid seeing her too much and remember this when you pick her care home....

DontmindifIdo · 10/07/2012 13:18

oh, and if she comes round to rant and rave, you are entitled to throw her out of your house and tell her she's not welcome again until she apologises. Although I wouldn't be talking to her at all after last time...

bagelmonkey · 10/07/2012 13:19

BIL didn't tell PIL about his wife's first pregnancy until the baby was delivered. They have 4 children now & the most notice PIL have had is just under 2 weeks before delivery.

sherbetpips · 10/07/2012 13:24

Tell her and get it over with. My MIL is the same, always a negative comment but she has a lot of other redeeming features and I know I cannot change her now.

She is going to do it whether you like it or not, it's her personality and she wont change it now.

NarkedRaspberry · 10/07/2012 13:28

I wouldn't tell her. And 'My DP just says ignore her he is used to it really' isn't acceptable. Just because he's 'used to it' doesn't mean she should have been allowed to behave the way she did to you in your home in such awful circumstances. He should have 'asked' her to leave.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 10/07/2012 13:32

Don't tell her.

Ignore everything she says about your size, babies, etc.

When she eventually says "you're pregnant, aren't you?" look at her like she is completely bonkers and say "well, yes, of course".

If she complains that you didn't tell her, look confused and say "ummm... okaaay.. have you been forgetting things a lot lately?" and then turn aside and loudly hiss at your dh "do you think she is alright?" and tap your head. Then smile brightly and comment on the weather, and offer to make a lovely cup of tea.

If she is going to be horrible you may as well have some fun with her!

SoleSource · 10/07/2012 13:33

Reply - Did you mean to be so insensitive? bitch

It is YOUR life, YOUR decision. I would support you all the way if I was your MIL.

CowgirlintheSand · 10/07/2012 13:33

That is awful :(

Her behaviour is completely unacceptable and she must be told this, at least so she doesn't say anything else so ridiculously insensitive and nasty to you.

Can your DH sit down with her when you're both ready, tell her that you're pregnant, explain that it is planned, you are very happy, and she is under no circumstances to accept a pregnant lady with any negative comments!

Sounds like maybe she is v unhappy herself and taking it out on you.

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