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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if it's bad to dump a friend that brings nothing to the friendship?

36 replies

JamieEast · 09/07/2012 23:11

Even if I have been friends with her for years?

In the early days when we were first friends she made more of an effort but these days she:

Never makes any effort

Is over an hour late to meet me most times

Never has any money on her so I have to buy our coffees and lunches

Doesn't appreciate a thing I do for her. I arranged a baby shower for her a few months ago and afterwards she thanked all the other attendees on their facebook walls but didn't thank me.

Is moody when we meet up and very difficult to talk to

I feel as though she doesn't respect me enough. I do a lot for her, she has all my DD's old clothes for her DDs (at her request), and I have helped her out on many occasions.

I know you don't give to receive but I am literally getting nothing from this friendship, not even any support. I want to just stop contacting her but I posted this on another forum and got a roasting from people saying you shouldn't ever dump a friend and that it was me with the problem for not wanting to put up with her ways.

OP posts:
Nospringflower · 09/07/2012 23:14

I think it always seems a shame when old friendships end but it doesn't sound like there are any positives for you in this relationship do I would end it for sure.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 09/07/2012 23:23

I agree with Nospringflower.

I won't remain in a friendship where it doesn't bring anything to my life. For example my best friend from school doesn't act like much of a best friend these days but I keep the friendship going as she invites me on nights out with big groups of girls, which I enjoy.

A friendship should bring something to you life...

Pinkshoes2 · 09/07/2012 23:34

No yanbu as your friend sounds very thoughtless and has no respect for your feelings and is just treating you like a possession.

soozeedol · 09/07/2012 23:36

I've very recently just made the decision you are pondering...I'm glad I have now broken contact and putting things behind me.

If you are continually feeling taken for granted and disappointed etc...whats the point of it....it brings you down and it feels shitty....you deserve better than that for sure...

ditch the baggage...and if she misses you and asks why you haven't been in touch...be very honest and then walk away...head high Smile

sleepymum50 · 09/07/2012 23:39

a friendship should be about the current relationship, not just because you've known them for years.

People and friendships can change, mature and weaken over the years.

Aside from the rights and wrongs of her/your behaviour - your friendship with her is making you unhappy. You do not need any ones permission to decide if you want to remain her friend.

SkinnedAlive · 09/07/2012 23:42

Talk with her, give her a chance to be a bit nicer and if she doesn't improve distance yourself from her/get rid. I also had this recently and ended the friendship. The relief from not constantly feeling second best is great and I have to say my self esteem has improved.

WhatSuitTitSuit · 09/07/2012 23:44

She sounds like a nightmare.
Stop contacting her and don't feel guilty.

QuintessentialShadows · 09/07/2012 23:56

You dont have to say anything to her, just let it fizzle out. Dont contact her, and dont be available for her. Just dont. I would not put up with such a "friendship".

Viviennemary · 10/07/2012 00:01

If a friend was going through a hard time, and was constantly late and not considerate then I wouldn't end the friendship. But just being selfish for no reason is different. People change. Sometimes you see less of old friends and more of new friends. I wouldn't make a thing of dumping a friend though. Just let it drift for a bit. Maybe after a while of not seeing her, things could change and you might be good friends again. Not saying this is going to happen I just mean no point in cutting somebody off altogether.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 10/07/2012 00:04

I have been dropped as a friend recently, and it hurt, alot.
She has abandonned me because I am ill, well I assume that is why. She stopped all texts, and phone calls.
I am saddend that she didn't tell me why she doesn't want to meet up any more.
I don't think I did anything wrong. I was as supportive as I could be, helped out when and where I was able. Then work got in the way a bit for both of us. Then I saw her and she said "lets meet up!" then I never heard from her again. That was the same day I told her about my illness :(
I miss her.
Please just tell your friend why you are angry, don't just drop her.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 00:06

Johnnydepp, the OP's friend sounds totally different to your situation though. From what OP has said her friend hasn't been supportive, or helped her out, or done anything endearing at all

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 10/07/2012 00:33

Whilst I agree my situation is different, it won't hurt the OP to just explain why she wants no more contact.
Is it possible that the friend has things going on that the OP doesn't know about? Something like depression?
I just think a quick message as to why will allow them both to move on quicker. Just my opinion though.

ImperialBlether · 10/07/2012 00:40

I wouldn't arrange to see her again. I wouldn't send her a text. I'd just let it die. Really, when she was turning up late you should have just gone off. She knew you'd wait and she knew you'd pay for everything. This is not a nice woman you're dealing with.

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 00:41

I do think though that there has to be a cut off point. From what the OP says it has been going on for a while. I would only tolerate bad behaviour for so long, and would expect a friend to confide in me of any reasons that might affect the way they behave.

Have you asked your friend why she isn't speaking to you? Perhaps it is crossed wires and she thinks you have ditched her as a friend too?

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 00:41

above reply was to Johnnydepp

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 10/07/2012 00:46

I have tried the odd message, but it never gets any responce.
I have had a hell of a lot going on at the moment with my health problems.
I may give it one last try to arrange something, and see if it gets me anywhere. But I guess I am probably going to have to face the fact I was just a stop gap friend, and she has moved on.
No matter how much I want her in my life it will be her decission. :( It has made me quite sad writing that. :(

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 00:50

Reading between the lines, Johnnydepp, do you think perhaps she may have things going on in her life too?

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 10/07/2012 00:56

I know she is super busy at work, and she travels across the country alot, and she has 2 DC (as do I, we met when our DD's were tiny) which keep her busy.
But she is seeing a lot of other friends, and spends a lot of time with them - she puts the pictures on facebook.
It was just the look she gave me when I told her my diagnosis, and then no contact, and no responding to texts and messages.
I can only speculate it is that she found it a shock, and found it easier to let the friendship go than to help me through things. (That is how my brother rationalised it anyway).
I will give the friendship another go, and see. Nothing to loose but the friendship that I think is lost anyway.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 10/07/2012 00:57

Sorry for highjacking the thread OP Blush

HexagonalQueenOfEverything · 10/07/2012 00:59

It's very odd and callous for someone to just drop a friend suddenly when they say they have an illness. Very odd indeed. I would just try to forget about her and move on, I know it's hard but would you really want to be good friends with her again?

Or maybe try one last time, perhaps with a phone call rather than a message and just ask outright if you've offended her.

Some people are just fairweather friends though, moving from one group of friends to another, depending on what they can get from those friends.

Johnnydeppsnewmrs · 10/07/2012 01:08

Thanks Hexagonal. I think she may have been a little fairweather. It is just such a shame as our DD's were close, and I know DD misses her playmate (despite having a nice group of school friends).
I might try for a playdate when I am feeling a bit better, but if she turns us down, that will be it. I don't want to chase her forever.
But I miss having a close friend to have a natter with. My new best friend (met her whilst ill, and she has been my rock!) lives at the other end of the country, so coffee catch ups are few and far between.
I need to get some new friends when my health improves lol.
Thanks for reading :)

lovebunny · 10/07/2012 05:41

jamieeast, ditch her. she doesn't like you, she just keeps you going for the handouts.

pigletmania · 10/07/2012 06:32

YANBU at all. I would quietly withdraw from the friendship and if she requests stuff say no

HecateHarshPants · 10/07/2012 07:05

No. If you're getting nothing from a friendship - why bother? There are lots of people out there who would value a friend. Why stick with someone who doesn't? you don't owe anyone your continued friendship if they don't deserve it.

HecateHarshPants · 10/07/2012 07:06

Oh, and - she sounds like she's using you, rather than is your friend.

comes out for coffee and brings no money?
asks for clothes?
gets you to buy lunch?

over and over and over?

Yeah. She's not your friend.