To not have this child over anymore?

[letsblowthistacostand]

I have been thinking about this a lot and would like to get some other opinions. I have 2 DDs, 6yo & 4yo. DD6 has a friend who is creative, clever and interesting. She can be really good fun to have around as she is interested in everything. However, she and DD6 sometimes torment DD4--not just teasing, they scream at her and throw things (friend is quite inventive with her tortures).

DD6 does not behave this way when friend isn't around. With other friends, they either ignore DD4 or do much more mild teasing or chase games (sometimes they even all play together!) DD6 & DD4 squabble plenty, neither is an angel but friend just seems to add an element of meanness to the equation.

I have spoken to friend's dad (main carer) and he is of the opinion that although tormenting younger siblings is not acceptable and children must be told off for it, there is no way to stop it happening as it is a natural part of family life. I agree with this to an extent but there is a level of unkindness that was never there in my own family, and that DD6 does not have when friend is not there. I have spoken to and sanctioned DD6 many times for this behaviour but it just doesn't stop.

So AIBU to just not have friend over again? Her dad thinks I am--he seems to think that it's DD4's lot in life to put up with it (he has seen DD6 & friend at their worst). I think she shouldn't have to.

Viviennemary that is exactly how I feel. Friend's dad has said I am being too protective of DD4, so was questioning if I am right and should stick to it or let up.

" Think I will just stop having her over."

But why not just stop the behaviour? Tell both girls that the moment there is any horrible behaviour the friend will be home so fast h feet won't touch the ground. You can tell the friend off- of course you can!

Seeker have you never encountered a child who simply Does Not Obey? It's like she considers it a challenge to get her licks in any way she can. I have told her (and DD6!) off many, many times.

Trust your instinct OP. I wouldn?t hesitate to tell the friend off either. Something like a brusque ?In this house we don?t tolerate bullying and nastiness?.

Our job as parents is to bring up like-able humans I reckon which I why I cannot abide unkind behaviour to those more vulnerable in children. You need to remind your DD1 of what is important ? I suspect she is just a bit in awe of this girl and easily led but she does need to learn to make her own choices. That alone is a good reason to keep having the girl over ? to give your DD1 a chance to assert some independent thought and choose the right action ? important life skill.

My eldest DD is just a bit older than yours and while popular & easy going is also a bit of a people pleaser who attracts dominant friends. We have spent a lot of time going over methods for standing up to friends and making her own choices and since she has put them into practice she seems much happier.

Lately we have talked a lot about not joining in games at school that involve making fun of others/laughing at other?s expense. I just think we all need to constantly reinforce the message to put yourself in someone else?s shoes and to stand up for the little guy in any situation. My mum constantly went on to me about this and I am glad she did.

just don't let her come around, fgs, when I think of it all, from the ages of 5 to 11, we had a broken glass front door, DD's hair cut off, DD in a near rape situation, DD pushed to the ground and kicked repeatedly, precious items stolen,
and more; if I had to do it all again, I would just ban 'playdates' , they are so overrated, and other kids are all little angels who can do no wrong, apparently. JUST SAY NO NO NO!

Oh well, If you've told hr off and she doesn't stop, then definitely don't have her over. I didn't understand that bit- I was focussing on people saying you can't tell somebody else's child off and thought you were in that camp. Sorry!

If she is a child who DOes Not Obey, then you have to institute an immediate plan: As they walk through the door, you spell out EXACTLY what will happen if they so much as squeek in the little one's direction: Friend goes home immediately, DD grounded for 24 hours. (not TV, no phone, no computer etc)

AFter this happens twice, your DD will start to realise that she is the one who is ending up with the worst punishment, and will start to say no to friend.

I might even have a rule that after the second time, friend no longer welcome in your home.

Oh and sod what the dads say. Its none of his business.

You seem to be placing all the blame for this on the friend.She is not 'making' your DD1 go along with the meanness , your DD is choosing to do this.I would nip the idea that you blame otrhers for her behaviour in the bud right now.I'm sure your DD1 has cottoned onto this and it might well be her that is egging the friend on safe in the knowledge that you will blame the friend.
Tell your DD that she must not engage in and must tell her friend to refrain from such behaviour and if the friend won't listen then she needs to come and tell you straight away.
Also can't understnd why you don't have a pal over for the younger girl at the same time, or at least do some baking or something with her.

I would just not have her around for a long spell & then maybe allow her back but with the explicit explanation that they have to nice to the DD2 or Guest won't be back again for a long time.

I totally understand why it's impossible to police. Girls can very subtle in their nastiness & the DD2 probably won't want to leave them playing alone.

So OP, have you ever hoiked the little horror straight back home when she has misbehaved even if it has only been 10 minutes into the dreaded play date?

You need to do this and explain to her dad in front of her that she has been most unpleasant. Do not sugar the pill either. The cheeky bastard, suggesting you coddle your child because his daughter is a brat! He can fuck right off.

I have to say I am not massively into playdates either.

I don?t have particularly happy memories of them as a child either. Usually with girls it involves some sort of tension.

What a nasty child. And as for the father... seriously. I would absolutely not put up with this. Your younger child is being terrorised. You need to put an end to it immediately.

What an unhelpful father; has he got younger children of his own? I fail to believe that someone with a four year old themselves would find this acceptable.

You need to tell your 6 year old that this is not going to be tolerated. She can have the friend over, but the minute anyone is unkind, the friend goes home and your daughter will go to her room. Your eldest needs to learn to say no to her friend as well.

You also don't need to enter into a discussion with the father about this. If you don't want the child round for the time being, don't invite her for 6 months. He can carry on inviting your daughter if he wants to, but is probably unlikely to ask you why you haven't had his daughter round lately?

I had similar with DD and her BFF being cruel to younger DS when girls were together. The BFF would actively seek out my DS, even when I kept him separate - minute my back was turned, she couldn't leave him alone. I told DD she would never have a playdate with BFF while this situation existed. I told her it was HER responsibility to bring her friend into line because family are more important than friends. I told BFF nicely that any nastiness from the big girls to the little boy would result in termination of playdate. I kept DS with me and let him on xbox / phone games while girls were playing. It wore off eventually. Having been a youngest (much teased) of five myself, I know the damage to self esteem this can do. You probably won't know the other family in 10 years - don't be intimidated by friend's dad's crap reaction. Good luck!

What position in the family is this friend? My friend noticed the youngest child in the family often picked on her youngest and would be nasty to him. She shut him out of the room they were in, so my friend opened the door and told her that this was his home and doing that would mean her going home. She never did it again.

I was once in the same situation as your younger DD. I did not seek out the company of my Sis and her friend, they sought me out and tormented me. It was pretty awful actually. Once they did it at school and were caught by the teacher, that is when it stopped. But for a while it really destroyed my confidence and I was quite unhappy. Please put a stop to it for your DD's sake. She is very young, younger than I was. I don't think you are molly coddling her.

When I read this first, I thought the dad was your dp. Can't believe it is the friend's dad - what a crappy person.

I like the 'stop the playdate immediately, ban electronics for your eldest for 24 hours' idea. If that doesn't work, ban the playdates - not sure I would want my eldest going to the other child's house if the dad is that much of an idiot either.

Send the friend home as punishment, do it every time it happens until it stops happening or she stops coming.

I have to agree with the posters who suggest some sort of sanctions for your older daughter if these things happen, OP. As the elder sister, part of her role is to protect the younger one, or to come and enlist your help if there's a problem.

If you do allow the child over to play, I would suggest a group chat when she arrives to explain that you're aware of unpleasant behaviours that have occurred and that it will not be tolerated in future, under penalty of being banned from future playdates. It's a good opportunity for the neighboring 6 year old to recognize behaviours that won't fly outside of her home and to start regulating her own behaviour.

I do sanction DD1 when this happens. Friend just doesn't listen to me and her mother would prefer I didn't correct her childs behavior. They don't live in walking distance, I would have to call the dad to come and get her & that would be all kinds of hellish.

I've tried to get DD1 to understand that she needs to protect DD2 or leave her alone, but she is easily led and as I said before, friend is vv creative with her tortures!! It's like they bring out the worst in each other.

Friend has an older half brother that she only sees occasionally so effectively an only child. DH has suggested she is jealous of our DDs ad they have each other and subconsciously wants to wreck their relationship. I think that is a bit complex for a 6yo.

Anyway, thanks for all the thoughts and tips!

In that case I definitely wouldn't have her over any more. From what you say about the parents she's not going to improve any time soon!

I think DC1 s can be tempted to let out all the nasty stuff they'd really like to do to their younger siblings, if i the company of another child who leads it.

I would say she's no longer welcome in your house if she cannot follow your house rules.