to think that how a person reacts to having their infidelity exposed...

[dogearedtooth]

...could tell you more about them than you want to know?

Is there a typical Narc way of reacting to being found out?

Or do all cheaters lie compulsively?

My exh told me I was imagining his infidelity, told me I was a nutter and told me it was all my fault. Hmmm.

He wanted to stay married to me, have all the benefits of an uxorious life yet retain the excitement of his teenage slit on the side. I believe he was "gaslighting". I never knew what he was doing until I read about it on here and it really helped me a lot.

I guess he wasn't man enough to take responsibility for his own behaviour and told everyone how insane I was to have these delusions and then throw him out. Every now and again I had to remind myself that yes, I did catch them together and no, I didn't imagine it.

mine got sneakier and sneakier after i caught him texting women on match.com the first time, evn more sneaky after i caught him doing the same thing chatting up women on match.com the second time, and when i finally caught him with the supposedly broken phone messaging some woman on match .com again and finally blew up he got angry that he had been caught and that was the end of our marriage, gave him too many chances more fool me

My exp went from denying it calmly then angrily, making me think I was going mad, then once he really couldn't deny it anymore he blamed me.

Once he seemed to have got past that stage and was realising that yes, I really was dumping his sorry ass, he started whining and being apologetic.

Once I had dumped him he became aggressive, nasty, threatening all the time telling me I was mad, that he was the best thing that could ever happen to me etc etc etc.

To answer your questions I think all cheaters lie, as much to themselves as to you and others around them.

When my ex husband found out, I admitted it, apologised profusely and asked if he wanted me to leave. He did. So i packed and left.

I've been fortunate in that, to the best of my knowledge, my longer term partners haven't cheated on me. However, from the experience of friends, the pattern is reliably similar and goes like this:

1. Over-complicated explanations for things that didn't need explaining in order to establish some sort of alibi.

1. Blustery denial.

1. Half-hearted denial.

when the evidence becomes incontrovertible this has been followed by:

1. Accusations that the cheated-upon partner has, in some way, changed and thereby brought the infidelity upon them.

Although there are serial cheats. DP was married to one. She didn't bother to deny her affairs but told him he was "being boringly bourgeois" to expect anyone to remain faithful over the course of a marriage. Eventually, he packed his bourgeois suitcase and, much to her surprise, left her.

Spuddybean, that says to me that you are a decent person.

It's the ridiculous web of lies that is obviously not sustainable that is making me think that an otherwise intelligent person (not my DH but my friend's) could be something more than just a cheater.

You would think that the more ridiculous the lies the easier it would be to leave him - not so. Well done to those of you on here who found the strength to leave.

I have been reading lots of the threads on here about NPD and I think my friend's DH has certain signs. How would I point this out to her? Perhaps it is just gaslighting which is, I guess, part of the anatomy of an affair. Or is it not?

Pandemoniaa, the evidence is incontrovertible and he is still denying and staging ridiculous cover-ups and telling my friend he doesn't love her, why she doesn't let/make him leave I don't know .

I'm begining to think that he is some sort of narc and she is somehow conditioned to behave this way.

Well I can't speak for others, but I had been cheating for 3 weeks when exH found an email. I was a shit liar as it is totally against my nature. The idea of insulting someone even more by adding more lies or even blame is abhorrent.

I couldn't have continued the cheating either it was eating me up. I have bipolar and was having a manic episode (not excusing it at all - i was still in control of my actions) so this brought me back down with a crash.

Sadly my exH couldn't forgive me, as is his absolute right, and I accepted it and let him keep everything. I think about and regret my actions daily. It will live with me forever to my eternal shame.

Spuddy, don't be too hard on yourself. How long have you been separated?

dog 3 years in August. It was all a horrid mess. We tried to work on it but he then started seeing my best friend (who had been comforting him while i was being treated).

I lost everything. I am with the man i had the affair with now. I do love him but i cannot forgive myself for my behaviour. I lost everything and none of my friends speak to me now.

I just don't know why anyone would risk it tbh. Especially if they had children (we didn't). I know i absolutely never would do it again.

I still cry about once a week, when the weight of my actions hits me again.

Spuddy, those friends aren't worth having IMHO. We all make mistakes and you sound as though you have been punished enough. Forgive yourself. You are with someone that you love; learn to love yourself again and that relationship will hopefully go from strength to strength.

I once asked my dp why he put up with the constant affairs, dogeared and he said he thinks he'd also embraced a state of denial. Or at least a state of ludicrous optimism about the affair being just a minor blip that they'd get over and then start afresh after. After he left his ex-wife they both had counselling which he found very helpful. Ironically, his ex-wife hoped that it would repair the marriage whereas for dp, it had quite the opposite effect and left him much more certain that he was doing the right thing.

thank you that is kind dog . As for the Narc things, my dad is one, and there are some good books out there. I think one called 'help, i'm in love with a narcissist' is a good one with coping strategies for those who those to stay.

Also the books on emotional abuse, like The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel (2 Sep 2003) (as being with other people is not making yourself emotionally available to your partner) are good. They address why your friend may feel she should put up with a partner who is EA.

Panda, I think my friend thinks the same re:minor blip but for me there are massive red flags, how can anyone come back from that many lies?

Thanks for the book recs Spuddy.

My friend is now thinking back to the beginning of her relationship, 11 years ago, and she has suspicions about a trip to Thailand, mysterious gifts, STDs etc.

What is it going to take for her to leave him? There are DCs to consider in all of this.

When I caught DPs EA out, and had all the messages printed out, as soon as I mentioned her name he admitted everything. And more than I knew re phonecalls.

Otter, were you able to move on/rebuild?

i think if you aren prepared to do something wrong then you should be prepared to accept responsability and deal with it.

my ex would deny deny deny despite me seeing it on my living room floor with my own eyes deny deny call me insane ect his was constant throughout the time we were togather

i however if asked would have said 'yes i have im sorry i am responsable for my own behaviour,it is not your fault i should have broken up with you first and told you i had decided the relationship was over'
the only thing i wouldnt fess up was who it was with

With an ex of mine - I SAW them together and I also read emails totally confirming that they were having a full-blown sexual relationship....he STILL denied it!!!

My exP didn't deny it, he was quite sure I would be very understanding of his need to have lots of sex with lots of people. Naturally, for a handsome and charming and very, very special person like he was, I had probably already come to that conclusion, so telling me wasn't any big deal.

Sadly he did not reckon that I didn't think he was all that special and (after a few weeks and another incident) left him. He was quite shocked and didn't see it coming at all. Poor thing.

Good on you monsterchild.

Nancy and Sock, what is it with these men and their bare faced lies?

Its me otter :) yes, because he was totally honest with me, though I do find myself wondering if I hadn't found out what would have happened, and I still don't totally trust him now. Eventhough I have all his passwords and could snoop if I wanted to I barely do anymore.

I came very close to leaving that night, and he knows it. And I'll admit it right now if it hadn't been for DD I would have said goodnight god bless. As it happens I am glad I didn't because other than that blip he has been a devoted father and partner.

Otter, I think it really makes a difference, whether or not the unfaithful partner owns up. I'm pleased for you that you have stayed strong and been able to move past the difficult times. Well done!

dogeared i dont think the really think they are fooling anybody my most recent ex who confirmed that he had cheated on everybody (roflmao apparently appart from me despit me catching him) he had ever been with but wouldnt fess up to them when asked why not told me,that as long as they left him after systimatic arsehole behaviour from him designed to make them leave but intentionally nothing you could outright say 'thats why' like violence or cheating.ment he could have the moral highground feel like the injured party and use it to get things.
i.e 3 kids by 3 different mums each mum retained custody but he kept each house and furniture ect forcing them to start again and despite earning about 1100 per wk they never went to csa and he never paid more than £10 each child every other week maintainance.
to his logic if they didnt have irrifutable evidence of a big no no then he wouldnt admit a thing and he would make them think they were imagineing stuff and going crazy.thats why hes my ex it was weird he told me like he was proud of it and then wondered why i was no longer intrested in him

Sock, you are definitely better off without that one!

Ooooh FINALLY a Cheaters thread!!!!