to be apsolutly raging with anger

[Socknickingpixie]

back story, i left a previous husband because he bonked my mate we were married for 11 years i left him with the house and all contents i left him with the company that we both owned i left with nothing other than my children and my own personal belongings,
as part of our agreement i would not touch house/company but he would pay the equivlent of about 100 pcm in money and items like school dinners/uniforms (the 100 is the combined value of everything he delt with its not 100 plus other things) for child maintainance for 1 child (to be reconcidered should his circumstances change) he would pay for the rest of my uni fees along with any costs in relation to legal stuff.this agreement was massively in his favor but i couldnt be bothered to argue with him.
i kept up my end of the deal compleatly he never kept up with his he welched on everything it cost a fortune to keep taking him to court so i stopped doing it and went to the csa.
the csa assesed soley on the basis that he recives a army disability pension they class this as a benefit like job seekers (for the record he isant disabled and doesnt concider himself to be,he had a minor moterbike accident that left him with scaring) because of this they gave him the minimum payment of £5 per week.initially i cancelled the csa but my ex-husband reinstated the csa by himself applying so i requested a variation 4 years ago so his company income would be taken into account the csa have consistantly fucked up but apparently hope to resolve the matter by next month.he earns in the region of 55k a year.he also only sees our child twice a month for less than 24 hours each time and refuses to contribute towards anything other than the £5 pw,incidently our child is significantly disabled.
i have also never not once challenged contact at all or been negative about dad to child
also i can prove apsolutly everything regarding finances due to the agreement being in writting bank statements all court docs ect so i can prove im telling the truth

our child overheard a phone convo i was having with the csa (i didnt realise he was within hearing) hes a teenager so without asking me about it decided to ask his dad why he thought it was acceptable to only contribute £5pw towards his upbringing when he obviously could afford to do more.his dad told him off for asking and refused to answer.
shortly after this his dads girlfriend informed our child that his dad used to pay a CONSIDERABLE sum of money but i had (exact quote)"been a greedy money grabbing lieing cunt by going to the csa so it was my tough shit that they decided that i only deserved £5 per week and this was due to my behaviour"

i phoned up and politly asked her why she had said it and asked her if she was aware that we had both agreed a very affordable arangement that i had stuck to my end of the deal by not touching the house ect and that i was surprised that she concidered £100 pcm to be a large sum of money for someone in his possition.and it wasnt really cricket to have these convos with a child.
i was level toned and polite throughout the convo however she hurled all manor of abuse down the phone simmerler stuff that she had said to my child with several other things thrown in inc but not limited to me blaiming other people for my own mistakes telling lies.then screamed a bit more and hung the phone up.

so whose being unreasonable here? and how would you react to this would you say anything to the child

if its relivant they have been togather a few years but she was not around when this arangement was made but she was around when the csa became involved

It is unreasonable to call someone's mother a cunt, yes. Or badmouth their mother at all. Whoever they are.

I would not interact with this woman at all if possible. She has no relevance to your financial situation with your ex husband.

I'm sorry you are going through this but I cannot understand why you made that arrangement and didn't go through the proper channels then to split the house, etc? Can you repose in legal for some advice ad surely you can get more? I hope someone can help x

Gawd, it sounds like your ex has truly met his soulmate!
Avoid the GF at all costs from now on, if at all possible.
Your ex will get his comeuppance soon enough, as your child is now old enough to be able to suss out which parent is the one that cared for him all his life, and which one is an unfaithful, promise-breaking, lying piece of crap.

He's a shite father, she's a div.

You, on the other hand, sound bloody marvellous. Well done you, take this incident as further evidence that you have done wonderfully in moving on from xh.

You dont need to question yourself in any way whatsoever, rise above the cesspit that is this man and his life.

Did you have your name removed from the deeds of the house? Or sign anything to say you did not want anything? Maybe you are still entitled to 50 % of that house.I am not sure,maybe someone else knows? But it is the 1st thing I would be finding out.Get some legal advice!

mspaperback

should i wish to i can go back to court and go after the house and company and i would get it however i have no intrest in doing so, somethings like my uni fees ect are now a compleatly moot point as i have delt with them my only issue is him keeping up his end of the deal i have every intention of keeping up my end.
the csa thing is just to attempt to get him closer to what he agreed to pay for our child now should the csa decide he has to pay more then thats his fault for not keeping to the deal in the first place.apparently as it was his own application and i actually applied for the variation right at the start and its him pissing around with the accounts not providing stuff when asked coupled with errors on the csa's behalf they will backdate the end figure right to the begining.

whats mainly bothering me is that she had this convo in the first place,that she used offensive language about me to child,that she was horridly negative calling me a liar,that she said to child that the csa decided i only 'deserved £5 as my behaviour warrented that' that apparently a persons behaviour has an effect on what maintainance a person gets as opposed to solely the nrp's income.
and that with his level of income she thinks that a total of £100 pcm (thats being genrious 100 is the max it would ever have been) can be described as a conciderable ammount and she made it sound like i was fleecing his dad for loads.
i compleatly understand that to a person on a low income 100 a month could be concidered to be a lot but he is apsolutly not on a low income and he has no other minor children with him pays no other maintainance for any other child there is nothing at all that impacts on his ability to pay

GF is unreasonable - but then she has nothing to do with all of this.
I can't understand though how you could have entered into the agreement instead of splitting up everything using the usual channels. "A bird in the hand" springs to mind.

Why on earth did you leave your home and business for 100 pounds per month-are you mad?!

Sorry that was too sharp,but I was just raging on your behalf re this horrible woman.As said above get legal advice straight away and if you can totally fuck these two bastards up.

i agreed to it because i didnt want to argue i was in a possition to house myself,i wanted to be able to hold my head up high safe in the knowledge that i have never expected anyone else to fund my lifestyle and so i could never be accused of being unfair.(im not judging anybody else who enters into a different arangement this is just for me personally) and obviously as the arangement was included in a court order i thought it would be honered as i honered my end of it.

sadly the courts are very reluctent to punish people for not doing what they agreed they tend to just keep on giving them additional 28 days to do so and then give them even more chances that my legal fees were geting shocking it gets tedious after a while to keep going back and ofcourse once you have involved the csa it invalidates court orders for maintainance.

incidently im also possibly mad as well

Your ex and his GF sound dreadful. They deserve each other. I'm not surprised you are so angry. x

I'm afraid I would not be able to take the moral highground if I was in your position. I would be listing all assets we had as a couple, making sure I noted down income from the company and taking it all to a lawyer, stating that he lied to me and the CSA about his income.

Your kid sounds like he has his head screwed on right though - if he could hear that about the £5 per month and knows that this isn't right, and is brave enough to question his father!

YANBU!! Go for the house and business though, why should it be only you sticking to the agreement? You need it or your DS.

Agree with everyone else, it's not too late, go for your fair share of what you had together.
Re csa: if they drag three feet seek help from your MP

Yabvvvvvu not to go for the house and business and leave it to him. You have a chid to consider and you have to support yourselves. You have to take what is yours or people will walk all over you which they have

I have no experience of this so can't comment on the CSA or the arrangement you came to but I might perhaps suggest to your ex that no further conversations regarding money should be had with your DS and that he is told it is a matter for the two of you to sort out, and then you tell your son the same. This could easily descend into a very nasty situation with your son's relationship with his dad deteriorating due to financial issues which are about the relationship between you and your ex. The GF should ideally be told (by your ex) to mind her own business and CERTAINLY not comment to your son about you at all. Best of luck

Sock - go get your fair share else your boy will get none of it!

Your ex and the girlfriend both sound vile. Of course she IBU.

Your ex hasn't stuck to the deal, so you are perfectly justified in going after your share of the house and business. Regardless of whether you want it, your children should have the opportunity to have their fair share of what you worked for. Otherwise it'll all end up with whichever gobshite your ex marries. You don't have to use the money, you can put it in trust for the children.

After that, bollocks to the pair of them, I'd go after everything I could get. Just to 'win'

I know, doesn't cover me in glory, but sadly it's what I'd do. And what I think you should do.

you've been very generous and he's shat all over you and she's treating you with contempt.

don't know about you, but that wouldn't inspire me to play nice.

Hello sock . Clearly, this OW who hurled abuse at you is behaving like a tantrum child and they are reacting like this to justify to themselves their behaviour. They can't take their own sh$te and so it's much easier to blame you than own up to themselves. You know and they know it is WRONG. You've said your piece to them - it's not going to change them but they sure know who they are dealing with.

The next thing, your son seems mature enough to understand the current situation. I would have a chat with him and reassure him as best as you can he is being looked after well enough by you and that by remaining strong together, you can both cope with anything. You ex is going to get his comeuppance. Believe me your child will remember this FOREVER and remember how mean his dad was and it will affect their relationship -unfortunately. But that's for your ex to deal with and you and your son need to be there for each other. Your son does not need these kind of role models in his life.

I'm unable to advise on the legal stuff unfortunately but it seems you seem quite clued up already.

Be angry, let it all out here on Mumsnet but don't let it take over your life, they are not worth it. They will hate seeing you and your son happy together and big hugs to you.

p.s. This OW is nothing to you. She has to live with a very tight man, she knows it as well!

trixie i compleatly agree about her butting out and none discussion with any child but sadly hes a bit of a puppet, and him and i have no conversation at all he refuses to comunicate with me if he needs to change a contact arangement he phones when he knows i wont be around and leaves a message he never asks anything just states on the message ' i wont collect child x till xyz / you need to have child x ready by xyz as i will be early / i wont be having child x this time'
this is at her request because she would rather he had no contact with me she is even in the car 95% of the time when child gets collected if she isant he will not engage with me in any way other than chatting about the weather if i attempt to converse with him regarding anything serious he walks away and waits in his car.on the odd occasions i have attempted to follow him and talk to him he calls me names and winds the window up or will just hang up the phone if its via phone.

i feel like im drip feeding now but he has adult children from a previous relationship who he was very simerler with (in his defence he was one of those dads who got hamored in a clean break settlement that acording to court documents that i personally saw included a significant lump sum for child maintainance that was paid and confirmed as done so by the courts but his other x wanted more afterwards and used to slam the door in his face when he went to pick up kids,he didnt see those kids for 2 years despite obtaining court orders his other x also went to the csa without also applying for the variation so she got the additional £5 pw on top of what she had previously had as a lump sum because the csa rarely concidered the lumpsum clean break even if it was to cover future maintainance)

so hes pretty sore still about that but he has hardley any relationship with those now.he has never really seamed bothered by this and since has come across as tho he conciders all females to be grabby and all of them to be like his other x was.
he has allways been a bit not really bothered by seeing any child and having a extreamly limited relationship with them he obtained the contact orders because i pushed him to try and see them so they would know he fought to when they were older and i know because he has previously told others that he is the way he is with me because i have very strong views on absent parents that are not a danger to children being encouraged to have contact and he knows i keep maintainance and contact sepperate so will not do what his other x did,he also knows that i would never bad mouth him to child and is kinda counting on my good behaviour continueing.he often can be heard boasting to others very openly about how much he earns and how little he pays me as though its something to be proud of,and the contact i have with people who work alongside him and repeat these things to me is very much that he appears to have no idea of how he is viewed by others when he does this its as though he thinks its funny and is proud that he only pays that little because its my own fault apparently

i know how stupid it sounds but i want to write down exactly how i percive the suituation and exactly how reasonable i have been with regards to finance exactly what i could do regarding the house ect if the fancy took me.
asking him to tell her to cease having these convos with the children telling them if either one of them scream abuse at me again i will cease any and all comunications with them by obtaining a none molistation order and seek costs against him.(in therory i could get one because he has made threats to me befor never acted on them because i think hes a little frightoned of me)
reminding them that we are the adults and that im surprised they think that they are behaving in a reasonable fashion given that i have copys of his accounts and know that the amount we agreed on was less than the csa will eventially award and asking exactly how i have been money grabbing.

im also tempted even though i never would to make fun plans and things next time hes due to collect child so child refuses to go, and to never accomadate any of dads changes just to be differcult

Personally, I wouldn't have been as calm as you. If my exs gf or wife told my child that I was a lying cunt I'd be straight on the phone. How dare she bad mouth you to your own child.

Secondly, I'd tell her to keep her opinions to herself, that your csa/money arrangements between your ex for your child are absolutely nothing to do with her, so she can keep her nose out.

I wouldn't have any contact with your ex husband's girlfriend ever again. And that she swore at your child is totally unaccepable. I think the only way forward is to go to court and try to get a better settlement. It sounds as if you got a very poor and unfair deal the first time round. You could try the Citizen's Advice Bureau and see what they suggest you could do.

You have allowed them to walk over you.You must know what you paid for the house and how much it is worth now? If there is equity in it then you would be mad not to take your half which IS half yours,then you can pay your own uni fees and wont be dependable on him for anything.Take control! Unless I am missing something? Arrears debt etc on the house?