To have a colossal rant about my mother saying I have too many kids

[pouffepants]

Started innocuously enough, just a random phonecall to chat.

I mentioned in passing that dd1 was doing something with her drama group, but I couldn't watch because I would be at work. She, very rattily, proclaimed that I was letting dc down because I have too many and can't give each of them enough attention. I said, it wasn't due to being busy with the other dc, but the fact I have to work. Dh could attend, so it did not require me to mess about with work for something that would be about half an hour long, thankfully. She has got very cross with me, and repeated that it's my fault for having too many dc

I have 3 dc, not 27 as she appeared to imply. I am also 1 of 3, the middle one in fact, so it was usually me that missed out as a child, due to dm having to run around for my brothers. Df was at work, so often her attention had to be split between us, something which I don't recall any of us ever complaining about. My dc also are fine, when I explain I can't attend things, or for eg they'll have to go to something that they don't necessarily want to, because of one of their siblings.

So far, dm being unreasonable, in citing my number of dc as being the problem, when actually it's nothing to do with it. But the floodgates are open now, it just reminds me of why I have dc.

I'm not maternal at all, and think that given a choice i wouldn't have had them. I was raised as a fundamental christian, and of course could parrot from an early age, 'no sex before marriage', I didn't have a clue what it meant though, no-one thought to explain what sex was. You might think I would ask, but I got my fingers burnt asking things like 'does Jesus REALLY come into our hearts?' and getting an almighty bollocking for any sliver of non-faith that I showed. It would turn into a frenzy of fervent prayer for my soul, and I wasn't keen on that so didn't ask questions.

The other thing that I was taught was that males were always dominant and should be obeyed, so when a lad from church asked me to 'do stuff' when I was 15 I didn't hesitate. It was only a lot later that I realised what was going on, but it felt too late to do anything then, and of course the eventual consequences were that I had ds. I was still a 'good girl' in those days and so of course married the father and had dd1 as expected. It wasn't too bad really, considering, but 10 years later I was widowed.

I have remarried again now, to someone I actually love, and we both agreed that we didn't want any more dc. However, following extreme problems on the pill, and then having 2 coils fall out I ended up with dd2. I had the second coil checked by a healthcare pro, after a few weeks who proclaimed it secure, and a few more weeks later I found I was pregnant. Dm knows about this bit, so is aware that I tried not to have a 3rd child.

So AIBU to feel very narked at dm's comments, in the circumstances?

YANBU. Your 'mistake' was admitting there were a few different things pulling on your time. Hers was opening gob before engaging brain. Tell the silly women to wind her neck in....

Does she come out with these things often or do you think she was just in a bad mood?

Its a bit hypocritical of her as she had three kids herself.

She's just talking rubbish, isn't she? Even very nice mothers can say the silliest things sometimes (speaking as one!). I'd just be inclined to parrot, in best broken-record assertiveness style, "I've had three, Mum, same as you". Just that, and no more. Eventually she'll give up talking nonsense (and say something else equally irritating, no doubt).

I can see, though, given the background, that it would rankle with you rather more than the average silly remark.

"OK, then mum - which one do I get put back in, then???"

smile sweetly and tell her all your children were born at the Will of God, and any further children will be the same.

Of course your mum is being unreasonable. Issues. Not your problem.

What a life, though. I had a similar childhood - used to sing 'Bind us together Lord' muttering 'snap!' under my breath. I couldn't for the life of me see how being bound to my parent's congregation could possibly be a good thing! It's appalling you weren't protected properly by those who had caused you to be so extremely vulnerable. I'm very glad you have found love and happiness now.

You're all right, it should go over my head by now, I do seem to be going through a stage of realising that her religious outlook has had catastrophic consequences for my life though. And getting quite cross about it.

Like I say, I don't think I'd've had dc. Also i may have had a career. We were endtimers, so I always expected Jesus to appear in the clouds at any moment, jolly exciting it was, but it did mean that I never gave any thought to the future. I suspect that even if we were here, my parents didn't really expect me to do anything but marry a good christian man and host coffee mornings, so there really wasn't much point in trying at school. I was in the top sets so I guess I must have been a bit intelligent. My brothers were encouraged to go to uni (only one did) but it was never mentioned to me.

I think your resentment towards her and your upbringing are coming out due to the fact you want the best for your DCs.

You are completely entitled to feel this way and while this was a silly comment I can understand how much it really hurts and gets under your skin.

I have no advice really, Im going through something similar myself and am a bit lost with what to do. I just wanted to say that what you are feeling is understandable and you shouldnt feel it is petty or irrational.

Sounds like you've made a good life for yourself. Congratulations!

My only concern is why you felt a need to explain that your children weren't planned for. Why? You don't need to apologise for having them! You and DH are clearly quite capable of caring for them and giving them a good life. End of.

I didn't want them, and they shouldn't have to put up with my inadequate parenting. I am inadequate in many ways, probably another reason dm's remarks hit a raw nerve, but once I stop feeling guilty for my dc's childhood I realise that had I had a more normal and informed childhood myself then I may have had a better chance to decide for myself.

Of course I could have had 10 with contraceptive failure, but at least I would know that I had followed advice and then just realised that's life. Even if I'd had children later, then I may have been able to make other life choices first.

As it is, I definitely feel to a degree that my life was thrust upon me, and I find that difficult to deal with.

First of all, if she says anything similar again, just say, "How many children did you have?" Don't say another word to her until she answers.

How old are you now? Have you thought of going to university? You would probably have to take an Access course if you don't have A levels. Did you ever see Educating Rita? You remind me of Rita, knowing there's more to life than what's expected of you and going back to study.

What's your husband like? Would he support you (emotionally at least)?

You'd think that with her views she would be wanting you to have as many children as possible.

Its never too late to go back and change your life OP, can you afford to do a degree? You can do evening classes beforehand to get the right qualifications to get in.

You might feel like a better parent once you are more happy in yourself.

Yes, he's always telling me I should go to uni, but actually I don't want to now. I don't think I would cope with it. I didn't do anything resembling study even at secondary school, and I'm not even sure what it means, beyond reading books.

I only mentioned being allegedly intelligent because they always put me in top sets at school, and if my dc were in top sets I would be encouraging them. However, I don't think I am that bright, I seem to struggle with all sorts of basic things.

Maybe I was cleverer when I was younger? Is that possible?? I just wish I'd been able to make my own life choices without parenthood being thrust upon me at a young age.

SO your mum is a christian?

does she not believe that children are a gift from God?

and that no matter what we do we cannot escape what God has decreed for us.

Tell her from the Lord we come and to the Lord we return.

Well, I know this has nothing to do with your first post, but I am 44 and currently doing an access course. It is a great way to get back in to education and prepare for uni!! I shall be applying for September 2013.

As for your DM, I would not have been able to provoke a little with 'Should I have had an abortion then?'.

You'd be taught how to study on an Access course.

How old are you, OP? Can you brainstorm some jobs you would love to have had the chance to do?

Your Mum perhaps thinks you have too many children as she is aware that you didn't actually want them?

pouffe I think you need some counselling to allow you to move forward from your childhood. I suspect you are much more capable than you give yourself credit for but you have never been encouraged to believe in yourself.

You coped with being a widowed mother, you work and are bringing up 3 children and you question your abilities - that's a lot to be managing I think you are very capable but have very low self esteem because you weren't really valued for your acheivements by your family.

It sounds like you are a very together woman and even though you have (in your words) inadequacies, I am certain that you are a better parent than you give yourself credit for. Bad parents don't come on here to debate whether they've done or are doing the right thing - bad parents don't care enough to worry about what they do.

And yes, your life has been 'thrust' upon you but you can't change the past. Simple as that sounds, your life is here. You can look to what you want to do in the future to make changes that way but it really doesn't do to dwell on what has been and overlook what is right here in front of you.

• Three (im assuming) amazing children who have had the chance at life and the opportunity to live in a happy home.
• A DH who even though he agreed to not wanting children has become step father to your DC1 and embraced DCs2&3 *A job. It may not be 'the big career' you may have envisaged but in all seriousness, the current climate is one in which any job should be appreciated *You are married to a man who you love, rather than one which your church may have 'manipulated' you into marrying

Your child will have someone there at their event. Their father and an equal parent in your family.

Could it be that your mother is feeling some resentment towards your dad if he wasn;t as hands on?

My MIL told me not to have any more children as she said I couldn't cope with the 2 I had. We have 3 now.

Just so we're factually correct, dh is only the father of dc3. So he is attending the event of his stepdaughter. To me, that doesn't make any difference, but I guess maybe it does to dm, maybe she thinks I should go because I'm the only blood parent, I hadn't thought of that. Dd1 doesn't really remember her dad though, since he died when she was 3, so she's more than happy to have dh there, and more often than not it's me that manages to get to these things.

Sometimes people say things that reflect more on them than on you and are more about them than you. They accuse you of being the things they are afraid they are (or were).

Think of it as a reflection of her fears about how she brought up her children, not how you are bringing up yours because that is what it is.

Secondly an access course sounds like a good idea. It doesn't mean you have to go on to university but it could show you that you do have the ability to if you chose to in the future. Also it could be interesting.

Mum feeling resentment for dad?? Yes!! That's the understatement of the year.

As it turned out, apparently my dad was gay, but being born in 1925 was in denial. My mum found out when she found him having an affair with a man, but refused to divorce him, saying it was her mission from god to 'love the unlovable'. She's also said he has convictions for paedophilia, but I don't know if that's true.

YANBU funny comments to make :(

MammaTJ Brilliant! I hope you get all you want.

It's mental really, me complaining about lack of career, you won't find anyone that loves their job more than me. I just know that I would not have chosen this life if I'd been more informed. So maybe it was for the best after all, landing where I am.

There is though a sense of unfulfilment, in that I'd like to know what I'm capable of. Maybe that's just my ego talking.