To have a colossal rant about my mother saying I have too many kids

[pouffepants]

Started innocuously enough, just a random phonecall to chat.

I mentioned in passing that dd1 was doing something with her drama group, but I couldn't watch because I would be at work. She, very rattily, proclaimed that I was letting dc down because I have too many and can't give each of them enough attention. I said, it wasn't due to being busy with the other dc, but the fact I have to work. Dh could attend, so it did not require me to mess about with work for something that would be about half an hour long, thankfully. She has got very cross with me, and repeated that it's my fault for having too many dc

I have 3 dc, not 27 as she appeared to imply. I am also 1 of 3, the middle one in fact, so it was usually me that missed out as a child, due to dm having to run around for my brothers. Df was at work, so often her attention had to be split between us, something which I don't recall any of us ever complaining about. My dc also are fine, when I explain I can't attend things, or for eg they'll have to go to something that they don't necessarily want to, because of one of their siblings.

So far, dm being unreasonable, in citing my number of dc as being the problem, when actually it's nothing to do with it. But the floodgates are open now, it just reminds me of why I have dc.

I'm not maternal at all, and think that given a choice i wouldn't have had them. I was raised as a fundamental christian, and of course could parrot from an early age, 'no sex before marriage', I didn't have a clue what it meant though, no-one thought to explain what sex was. You might think I would ask, but I got my fingers burnt asking things like 'does Jesus REALLY come into our hearts?' and getting an almighty bollocking for any sliver of non-faith that I showed. It would turn into a frenzy of fervent prayer for my soul, and I wasn't keen on that so didn't ask questions.

The other thing that I was taught was that males were always dominant and should be obeyed, so when a lad from church asked me to 'do stuff' when I was 15 I didn't hesitate. It was only a lot later that I realised what was going on, but it felt too late to do anything then, and of course the eventual consequences were that I had ds. I was still a 'good girl' in those days and so of course married the father and had dd1 as expected. It wasn't too bad really, considering, but 10 years later I was widowed.

I have remarried again now, to someone I actually love, and we both agreed that we didn't want any more dc. However, following extreme problems on the pill, and then having 2 coils fall out I ended up with dd2. I had the second coil checked by a healthcare pro, after a few weeks who proclaimed it secure, and a few more weeks later I found I was pregnant. Dm knows about this bit, so is aware that I tried not to have a 3rd child.

So AIBU to feel very narked at dm's comments, in the circumstances?

Oh, and ironically, after dh unsuccessfully tried to persuade me back into education, he started a degree himself, so I'm the main earner and support him. He's only got a year to go, and looking at the work he's done, it looks way too hard for me. I honestly don't know why teachers said I was brainy at school.

If I was going to do anything, it would be social work.

Really pouffepants degree work would look hard to someone who has been out of learning for a while.

An access course includes learning how to learn and gradually builds you up so you are able to do it. Try it. The one I am on does a basic (level 2) test to see where you are with English and Maths. A certain amount of that is taught on the course too. I am doing a course that is heavily biology and other science. I last really studied in 1986!!

The course gives me Level three qualifications which are equivalent to A levels. Access can be done one or two days a week over two years or one year.

Access to Health and Social Care would be one to go for to aim for social work. My daughter wants to do that and is doing A levels atm. We have looked in to the money side for her. Loans will cover fees and with loans, grant and bursary she will get £9000 a year to live on while studying at uni. I believe tax credits ignore bursaries. Not sure whether they take the grant and loan bit into account though.

GO FOR IT!!!

So,given the choice you wouldn't have had your children? Are you serious? I find that a very odd frame of mind to be in with regards to your future relationship with your children.

I'm tempted, in that if I could prove to myself that I wasn't thick, it would lay some ghosts to rest.

But...I love my job, I really enjoy it, and despite feeling like I would like to be doing something useful with my life, that would be a massive upheaval for my whole family, for fairly egotistical reasons. I earn reasonably well, considering it's an unskilled job, so there would be a lot of pressure on dh to replace this. And he doesn't really want to go back to full-time work anyway, whereas I love working full-time, so wouldn't want him to do this really.

And of course the reality is that all I might find out is that I AM thick.

That's the thing isn't it? By the time you're far enough into life to figure what you want, options become much more complicated.

Hi piglet, of course I want them, now they're here. But looking back there's no way I would have chosen to have children, if I'd had the option.

And yes it may affect my future relationship with my children, but again not something I had a choice about. That's one reason I shouldn't have had them.

I have no further advice on the situation with your Mum - people have made some good suggestions upthread. However, with regards to studying, the other thing might be to look at the Open University - they do a number of 'Openings' courses which are basically testers, to give you a chance to see whether degree level study suits you or not. Might be something to look at on their website.

It's OU that dh is doing, so I know what's involved, and I have no idea how he does it. I literally have zero concentration span. I think I've been a little seduced by people on this thread being lovely and telling me it's just a self-esteem issue. I'd love to think I was intelligent, but it's just not true. You're all very kind though.

I have 12 GCSEs (4Bs, 6Cs, 2Ds), but I literally did no work for them, and spent the whole of school feeling like I didn't know what was going on but not especially caring. My headmaster was sacked several years after I left, under allegations of fixing marks, I can only assume that I was victim of this because there's no way I should have got anything. I then tried A-levels and dropped out after a few months, I was absolutely nowhere hear the rest of the class, some of whom were several sets below me at school. I was utterly confused!

I have since done a BTEC national which apparently gives me the equivalent of 3 Bs at A-level, but the course was piss easy compared to A-levels, so it's a joke really.

Jesus op!! Where to start!!

You are where u are, if you want a happy tranquil life don't have kids!! All of us learn that lesson too late!!!

Don't over analyse your childhood, again u r where u r!!!

Your family sound mental, welcome to the club.

Make your own life, before you know it it's gone!!!

Stop saying you are thick, u clearly arnt and by saying it over and over you are either just lazy and so will never make your potential or you want us all to tell you your a rocket scientist.