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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know I am quite possibly being unreasonable but....

27 replies

JackJacksmummy · 07/07/2012 21:02

Arghhhhh

FIL passed away in January, for 2 months afterwards DP was spending every night at his parents home looking after his mother. She lives 45 mins from us - we have 3 kids under 12, youngest is 6. She lives 10 mins from his sister who had 2 adult kids - youngest is 21.

After a few months of this I got a bit narked - especially when it came to us spending practically all our money on his fuel over there and back every day - to the point that we could only afford to feed our children cheesy pasta!!!

Now it's down to 2 nights a week, 6 months on and now my 2 youngest who are already worried about people suddenly leaving them because the way their grandad went are ridiculously upset because yet again he is "babysitting" when he should be here.

MIL doesn't realise what arguments are being caused over this and is at the selfish "me me me" stage of bereavement, and seems oblivious that DP and SIL have also lost their dad.

SIL made a bedroom at her house for her mum to stay in but doesn't have her often and never at the weekends and prefers to take her out during the day which is fine but just for once maybe she could do the 3 hour Friday night shop with her or have her overnight so our young family have their parents together occasionally at weekends.

Just irking me a bit at the moment that I am the one left at home with upset children.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 07/07/2012 21:06

It's not U to miss your DP while he's away 2 nights a week. It would be U to suddenly stop it when his DM is obviously struggling. What is the family dynamic? Can everyone sit down together and chat it through?

RuleBritannia · 07/07/2012 21:12

How old is the MIL? I am only 70 and lost my DDH 2 years ago. My friends and DSSs were superb in support but go to work or live miles away and have lives of their own (my own DS lives abroad). I felt that I did not want to be a burden and would have to cope on my own eventually so it was time I started to carry on more or less by myself.

Could your DH go less often and tail off his visits until they are, say, once a month or even less frequent. Or what about a chat explaining to your MIL that your DH's time is needed elsewhere but he'd always turn up if something needed to be fixed?

minimisschief · 07/07/2012 21:13

2 nights a week is not alot

exexpat · 07/07/2012 21:14

Is his mother ill or disabled? Does she not have any friends or interests or any kind of support network? Or is she just a particularly needy person? How old is she, and did she have any kind of life separate from your FiL before he died?

Because it just seems odd to me that six months down the line she still expects her son to abandon his own young family to stay overnight with her. I really think he should stop staying overnight, and just visit her maybe once a week instead.

That may sound a bit heartless, but I was widowed several years ago, and I really don't think letting her wallow or become completely dependent on family is particularly healthy. She should be trying to rebuild her life by now.

Original poster

JackJacksmummy · 07/07/2012 21:14

If we were all to sit down and arrange something his sister would say she is busy - she works part time and aside from meeting friends in the afternoon does not a lot else. DP works a 45 hour week and myself a 25 hour week plus looking after the children and transporting them everywhere.

His mother would begrudgingly say she doesn't need anyone there but then would spend the next few days playing him and his sister off against the other on the phone so in the end he is made to feel guilty and gets it in the neck from his mum. She has become quite bitter and says things like she has no reason to stay around and is better off dead or she'll be complaining really badly about something to his sister and say nothing at all to him but then him and his sister will talk and realise what she's doing.

She has been given antidepressants but I'm not convinced she is taking them.

OP posts:

Annunziata · 07/07/2012 21:15

2 nights a week is not a lot! Your poor MIL has lost her husband, she deserves to have her son there to support her. He must be still grieving too- maybe he wants to be there with her.

Original poster

JackJacksmummy · 07/07/2012 21:17

She is 82 and up until 2 years ago worked part time which I think was amazing but she gave it up to look after his dad as he became more ill. She goes our quite a lot with his sister during the weekdays so quite able bodied.

OP posts:

TheSpokenNerd · 07/07/2012 21:17

When my Dad died, we all lived away in London apart from my sister who was shite and offered my Mum no support. I used to try to go home for weekends but couldn't afford it much....60 quid a pop...and I was meant to work Saturdays.

Mum has since told me those lonely nights were the most miserable of her life....alone without her DH who he ,loved totally.

I wouldn't begrudge m DH if he was going over to his Mums twice a week tbh.

TheSpokenNerd · 07/07/2012 21:18

It's VERY hard to lose your DH...very hard. I miss my Dad so much but mum must miss him more often.

COCKadoodledooo · 07/07/2012 21:19

You said it yourself in your title.

Original poster

JackJacksmummy · 07/07/2012 21:22

Tbh I don't begrudge him going over there - I certainly don't make it known to him that it irks me quite a lot but just to have his sister who lives round the corner and has no young children to step for even one weekend per month so WE can do something as a family.

OP posts:

TheFidgetySheep · 07/07/2012 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohmysilverballs · 07/07/2012 21:30

This would also irk me although there is no real answer. Families!!

exexpat · 07/07/2012 21:31

If he's spending most of the weekend there without you so you are not getting any family time at all then you are certainly not being unreasonable to be fed up, for your own sake and the DCs.

Does she really need someone around for most of every weekend? In which case you need to talk to your DH and make him have a serious conversation with his sister.

TidyDancer · 07/07/2012 21:34

I may be wrong, but my understanding of this situation is that you are annoyed that your DH is supporting his recently bereaved 82-year-old mother. And your children are upset that he's not at home every night of the week.

Am I right?

If so, YABU. Very much so. Your DCs are of an age where they can have it explained to them that their GM needs her DS and that's why daddy isn't at home all the time.

The 'me, me, me' comment comes off terribly, and even if it's accurate, don't you think she's entitled to feel a little bit like that?

You need to redirect your anger over this. You're focusing on the wrong person. If you want to change things, then your issue is with your DH and SIL, not with MIL.

But just be careful how you have this conversation if you have it, because you are in great danger of coming off as incredibly selfish and completely unreasonable.

Original poster

JackJacksmummy · 07/07/2012 21:37

I would love to have her here but really it's not possible - we have a 3 bedroom flat and whilst it wouldn't be an issue having my 12 year old DD sleep in with her younger brothers for a few nights it would be more of a problem that my youngest DS is going through assessment for autism and quite unpredictable at times and I wouldn't want to put her through that.

There was talk of her selling up and moving closer but she goes through stages of not wanting to move or really wants to. Literally this changes every day.

OP posts:

Original poster

JackJacksmummy · 07/07/2012 21:38

The "me, me, me" isn't my words - DH and SIL have said this themselves.

OP posts:

TheFidgetySheep · 07/07/2012 21:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovebunny · 07/07/2012 21:43

get her round to live at yours? then you can all be 'in' together.

TheFidgetySheep · 07/07/2012 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blisterpack · 07/07/2012 21:48

It hardly seems a huge hardship if it's your DH going. It's not like he's expecting the whole family to go and visit everyday, it's just HIM, supporting his mother at her time of need.

Two nights a week doesn't seem bad at all. Is he from a culture where he feels obliged or (and it could be an and/or too) is it that he just wants to? I think it's nice.

princelypurpleparrot · 07/07/2012 21:50

YANBU. Of course he needs to support his mum but if she really needs someone to stay over that often then your DH and his sister need to work out how to manage it between them. It's not fair on you and your kids if your DH is one for whom that burden is falling to all the time. If he was an only child, or the rest of the family were miles away, then you'd probably have to suck it up, but he's not.

I hope you can sort it out. It sounds incredibly hard for all of you.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 07/07/2012 21:51

Sorry but I think YANBU.

Your DH has been fantastic in supporting his Mum and will, I am sure, continue to do so. But when it gets to the point when your children are suffering enough is enough.

It's a lose-lose situation I'm afraid though, you will be seen as selfish and heartess :( . Do you have any support from your side of the family?

Jenny70 · 07/07/2012 21:58

Maybe needs to taper his commitment, maybe one night a week (agreed night, not random call up and he drops everything and goes) and a weekend visit with you all sometimes at hers, sometimes at yours and sometimes out and about somewhere neutral.

At some point she needs to pick up and go on, her children cannot be her only crutch. Do you know her friends and can arrange for them to include her in plans so she is busier/out and about?

I know 6m is not a long time in the grieving process, but it is a long time to dependant on someone... I don't think my DH spent any nights with his mum when his dad died. We had the young family and she was gracious enough to know he was needed at home, but we did try to see her as much as we could.

Original poster

JackJacksmummy · 07/07/2012 22:06

No support my side - one parent lives 2 hours away, the other lives 40 mins away and also works full time. One brother living in another country due to work and the other with his pregnant wife. We have always relied on childminders to look after the children although occasionally my mum will help us out on inset days if she has spare flexi-time owed or even financially when I called her on tears because I had not seen DP for a week and kids had had pasta everyday because all our money went on rent and petrol so I am quite thankful it is only 2 nights a week but it's hard when I'm lying here in bed with one DS asleep with me and the other DS crying in bed with his sister.

I agree for the time being this is a lose lose situation and will be seen as selfish and not understanding.

OP posts:

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