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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking after a friends DD in holidays.

44 replies

muttonjeffmum · 06/07/2012 21:16

Somehow I have ended up looking after my friends DD every school holiday. To be honest I can't really remember how this happened but at first it was just one or two days a week but now it is practically every day. The girl is a lovely, sweet natured girl who gets on with my DD wonderfully but it does mean that we are sometimes restricted in what we can do. If my DD wants to go to one of her friend's to play I think it is unfair on the other girl. Having friends to us isn't a problem because they all just get on with it. If we want to go out for the day I have to make sure it's ok but the real problem is that my friend doesn't always have the spare money to give me to take her DD out and I can't afford to always pay for her (thinking of things like cinema etc). I have now got 2 cleaning jobs for two mornings and I can leave my DD with my 14 year old DS. I have told my friend that she is welcome to come here but I won't be here for a couple of hours. She did leave DD on the Friday of half term but said she felt really guilty but I can't afford not to do these couple of jobs. The other thing that I get a bit uptight about is the fact that she never asks if we are going away and if she should book annual leave to match our hols. We haven't actually got any plans to go on hol this year but we could be. I'm I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 06/07/2012 21:23

She is taking advantage of your good nature, She knows full well she'd have to pay for childcare if not for you. YANBU

TheHappyHissy · 06/07/2012 21:25

I think you need to say that tbh on the days you are working, that it'd be best NOT to have her over.

You need to start somewhere, this woman is relying heavily on you and it's restricting YOUR family.

Why can't she organise her own (paid) childcare like pretty much everyone else has to?

OhCobblers · 06/07/2012 21:28

Do you mean every day of the school holidays??
Bloody hell that is absolutely ripping the p**s out of you.

Tell her to get childcare sorted immediately - god i've read some threads on here that are astonishing in how people behave but this is utterly appalling!!!!!! [schock]

KirstyJC · 06/07/2012 21:29

Seriously? She is using you for free childcare and you are the one asking if YOU are unreasonable?

Have you any idea how much she should be paying for childcare? It's £16 per day round my way, and that's cheap.

She is monumentally taking the piss, and she knows it. How come you don't?

letseatgrandma · 06/07/2012 21:30

I'm always astonished when threads like this appear on here. How on earth did you get into this situation?!

Just don't offer to have her daughter over the 6 week holiday. 6 weeks!! 6 weeks is a long time-is she expecting you to have her daughter every day?

Does she have your child at all? Does she pay you?

Just don't mention it. Is she really going to turn up on the first Monday at 8am with the daughter in tow? Surely, she will ring/text/ask you at the school gates. If she does, just say no-that you have plans already.

If you wanted to be a childminder, presumably you would be one.

However, if you never tell her-she will carry on taking the piss.

lopsided · 06/07/2012 21:30

Do you do this for nothing every holiday? If so you sound like a saint and I would let her know that you can't have her girl while you work or when you have plans. Really though she should be paying for such extensive childcare, I mean its not just the odd day here and there.

letseatgrandma · 06/07/2012 21:31

I have told my friend that she is welcome to come here

I think there's your problem. Why did you say this!?

Inertia · 06/07/2012 21:32

I really don't think it's fair on your DS to leave him not only in charge of his own sister, but also somebody else's child- it's a huge responsibility.

Your friend is taking the piss, to be honest, but you are letting her take advantage of you. It's really not fair for her to take advantage of your son though.

How about if your friend covers child care for her dd and yours on the hours you work?

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 06/07/2012 21:34

Does your 14yo mind having an extra child?

You need to decide on the days you can do, and make sure that means our working day and at least on free day isn't taken up by someone taking the piss out of your good nature. Then tell this woman the days that you are prepared to have her dc and stick to it.

You don't need to give reasons, but if you continue like this it will never stop.

The woman is a cheeky grabby cow for not giving you any money.

Dee03 · 06/07/2012 21:38

I would put a stop to this tbh.
Or at least cut it down to 1-2 times a week if you dont want to stop it completely.

She is taking the piss

CaptainVonTrapp · 06/07/2012 21:40

She is no friend. I wouldn't ask a friend to do all this unpaid childcare without any in return and not even provide money for expenses!! She's having a laugh (but you are allowing her to walk all over you).

How about something like

"I'm going to need more flexibility over the hols and can't manage your dd as well"

"I'm going to be taking on some extra hours over the holidays I wont be able to look after your dd. I heard x is going to "

Any complaints that she can't afford it and nod in agreement and say how expensive it is having children and you're considering getting registered as a childminder so you can make some extra £'s.

SecretPlansAndCleverTricks · 06/07/2012 21:40

she is using you.

and it is too much responsibilty for the 14 year old.

Groovee · 06/07/2012 21:42

Just say no. I've helped a friend out this week but she's given me money towards what the kids are doing that day. But if it was every day I would have said no. The odd occasion is fine but every day is piss take.

Original poster

muttonjeffmum · 06/07/2012 21:43

She is really is my best friend and I have known her all my life. I think I have just got sucked into it because I am very fond of her DD too. I also know that she struggles for money and can't afford childcare. I think I will set some groundrules. I need to have money for taking DD out. Maybe she could leave some with DD in a special purse and that could pay for trips out etc. Also, I'm going to say that she will have to arrange someone else to have her whilst I work.

OP posts:

CaptainVonTrapp · 06/07/2012 21:52

If she was your best friend she just wouldn't ask this of you. Who doesn't struggle for money? (and the summer holidays present a unique challenge for so many parents). All the more reason to agree on some sort of shared childcare arrangement whereby you can both do your jobs while your dc are supervised.

letseatgrandma · 06/07/2012 21:57

Who doesn't struggle for money?

Exactly.

However, you sound like you're actually quite happy to have her daughter every day. I wouldn't be!

hattifattner · 06/07/2012 22:04

do you have to feed her DD too?

I think you need to say you can only have her on eg Mondays and Tuesdays, as you want to be able to take your kids out and you cannot afford to keep subbing her child because you are also skint.

SHe may be a good mate, but your kids are missing out on treats because you are parenting her child.

Does she watch your DD on a regular basis during the week? Babysit weekly for you and your DP? Take the kids for half term?

Its certainly not fair to expect your 14yo to babysit for her.

PatsysPyjamas · 06/07/2012 22:04

You sound really lovely and so kind, OP. No way would I be so generous! I really hope your friend appreciates you. Does she work full-time? Could she have your kids some weekends/evenings so you get a bit of time off?

MagicHouse · 06/07/2012 22:10

I think the idea of suggesting you have her on just a couple of days is a good one. You are still doing her a massive favour. Just say you can't afford the food, and you are having to cancel plans left right and centre because you can't afford to take her DD as well as yours. Tell her it's also not fair for your DS to babysit in his holidays. Tell her you'll happily have her two days a week and ask which days she wants that to be (excluding your work days).
You must do it. She may be your best friend, but she's not being fair on you.

ToryLovell · 06/07/2012 22:15

She is taking the piss. Bare minimum she should be paying for her DDs activities and food, as well as reciprocating childcare for you.

Just tell her you can't now that you have got a job.

Suggest that you share childcare - she takes a day off when you work to look after your DD and you can have her DD on your day off

letseatgrandma · 06/07/2012 22:19

OP-does she look after your children at all?

GeneHuntsMistress · 06/07/2012 22:27

You sound like such a lovely, caring friend.

Having said that ..... You are obviously very comfortable being treated like a doormat, which is your prerogative, but don't treat your DS the same way. If you want your "friend" to take the piss out of you that is your choice, don't take the piss out of your son and expect him to provide free childcare in his holidays.

Not to mention your DD who may just want to see her mum sometimes and not have to always share with this other girl.

You've had lots of good advice on this thread from others with tactics of how to approach this. If you don't want to take this advice for you, take it for your children's sake.

(BTW, kirstyjc - £16 a day?! Can I come and live where you are? Doesn't even start at £30 here!)

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/07/2012 22:28

You have a perfect opening - you need to work, and it is not fair to give your eldest DS the responsibility of looking after two little girls. His sister is one thing, but not both of them.

You say that she can't afford childcare. You are taking care of her daughter " practically every day" . Does this mean she works full-time? I think you have got sucked into seeing yourself as her ONLY option, but this is probably not the case. Probably she could make other arrangements (her mother, her MIL, other family, other friends) but there is currently absolutely no incentive for her to explore these other possibilities. Do NOT think that you are being unfair or unkind or letting her down by making her explore those alternatives - you have been a n absolute star offering her so much support over so long a period. But your suppport of her is impacting on your life and your family's life, it is her turn to consider you now.

Original poster

muttonjeffmum · 06/07/2012 22:34

I only feed her DD lunch so a sandwich etc. Quite often the DD will come with some snacks to share at lunch. I've never had to ask her to babysit and my DD has never been to hers 'cos of the dog. I think I am going to ask her tomorrow what hols she has got booked off and tell her that she will have to make alternative arrangements for the mornings I work. Her sister lives around the corner but she won't help at all. I will say that I can't guarantee that DS will be here. He is an active boy who is actually out most of the time.

OP posts:

difficultpickle · 06/07/2012 22:36

Does she work full time? Does she claim tax credits? Why do you think she struggles for money? I've just paid out nearly £800 to cover ds's school holidays (£200 more than I needed to but have paid for an extra special course for ds to attend for a week). It is a huge amount of money but I have to work full time and even though he is at holiday clubs I will have to pay my mum petrol money to take him most days as the hours are too short for me to drop and collect and still travel to/from work.

I wish I had a mug friend like you.

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