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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Looking after a friends DD in holidays.

44 replies

muttonjeffmum · 06/07/2012 21:16

Somehow I have ended up looking after my friends DD every school holiday. To be honest I can't really remember how this happened but at first it was just one or two days a week but now it is practically every day. The girl is a lovely, sweet natured girl who gets on with my DD wonderfully but it does mean that we are sometimes restricted in what we can do. If my DD wants to go to one of her friend's to play I think it is unfair on the other girl. Having friends to us isn't a problem because they all just get on with it. If we want to go out for the day I have to make sure it's ok but the real problem is that my friend doesn't always have the spare money to give me to take her DD out and I can't afford to always pay for her (thinking of things like cinema etc). I have now got 2 cleaning jobs for two mornings and I can leave my DD with my 14 year old DS. I have told my friend that she is welcome to come here but I won't be here for a couple of hours. She did leave DD on the Friday of half term but said she felt really guilty but I can't afford not to do these couple of jobs. The other thing that I get a bit uptight about is the fact that she never asks if we are going away and if she should book annual leave to match our hols. We haven't actually got any plans to go on hol this year but we could be. I'm I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

letseatgrandma · 06/07/2012 22:40

Have you discussed the holidays or has she just assumed you will have her DD every single day? Does she work f/t-I can't see if you have stated that?

I struggle to believe that she is unaware that asking someone else to look after her daughter every day for every single holiday when that person's child has never been to her house is unacceptable. To say she felt guilty at leaving her child with your son was a bit rich as well. Presumably she doesn't feel guilty for leaving her child with you!?

AThingInYourLife · 06/07/2012 22:41

"I will say that I can't guarantee that DS will be here."

Even if he is there, it is totally unfair of you to make him responsible for this girl.

You need to make sure she is not coming over on days when you are leaving a 14 year old boy in charge by default.

That is very irresponsible and unfair of you.

letseatgrandma · 06/07/2012 22:44

*You need to make sure she is not coming over on days when you are leaving a 14 year old boy in charge by default.

That is very irresponsible and unfair of you.*

Also-what would happen if an accident occurred when your DS was 'in charge'. You would feel awful and your DS would never forgive himself.

She needs a long-term permanent childcare solution. Like the rest of the working population of parents.

StealthPolarBear · 06/07/2012 22:47

how old are the girls?
until she asks, i don't think you need to mention it. It would be beyond entitled for her to expect it!!

Viviennemary · 06/07/2012 22:49

She is taking advantage of you. And I agree that it isn't fair to leave your DS in charge. Once or twice a week for a few hours when you're there and if your DD gets on well with her but not every single day of the school holidays. This just isn't on. Just say you've got a new job.

StealthPolarBear · 06/07/2012 22:51

ghe reason I ask how old is because if they're 12/13 it's very different from them being 9

Original poster

muttonjeffmum · 06/07/2012 22:51

She works until 2.30pm Monday to Thursday then a full day on Friday. You are all talking sense. I'm not going to have her on the days I work. DD will have to go to her auntie's. Both of our girl's are going into year 6 in Sept and once they are in High School I will be looking for more work.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 06/07/2012 22:52

The girls are 9!!

Original poster

muttonjeffmum · 06/07/2012 22:57

No they are 10.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 06/07/2012 22:58

You also need some time with your DD alone when you don't work. Don't just tell her it's because of work or the fact that your son might not be there. You need to be clear that you cannot look after her DD all the time because you have plans for her in the holidays. And you need to say that your son might well be at home but that it is not fair to ask him to look after two 9 year olds.
(I've had two glasses of wine, so I'm feeling brave!! It's true though, you need to be very clear about this, not just blame circumstances for not being able to have her.)

MagicHouse · 06/07/2012 22:58

10 yr olds, sorry.

MagicHouse · 06/07/2012 23:00

Give her some dates you can have her, so she realises you do want to be of some help. Just not to the extent she wants.

letseatgrandma · 06/07/2012 23:04

If you really want to help her-I would get in now and say you are organising yourself now for the holidays as you have a lot on. Then tell her you can probably have her DD on eg Thursdays in the summer holidays if that helps her with childcare and leave it at that.

Frankly, if she gets cross or replies saying she is stuck and what's she going to do, then it would seem she isn't a very good friend.

hattifattner · 09/07/2012 16:04

did you speak to her today OP?

letseatgrandma · 10/07/2012 10:56

Ooh, yes-is there an update?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/07/2012 19:46

Bumping for an update [nosey emoticon] .

ENormaSnob · 16/07/2012 20:54

She is really taking the piss.

Totally unfair on your ds too.

kilmuir · 16/07/2012 20:59

Say you are not happy to leave your son with another child to look after , so she needs to find alternative care on those days

holyfishnets · 16/07/2012 21:48

Just explain that the cleaning days aren't practical and that DD really wants to do more activities this holiday and can friend give her DD money for swimming, cinema etc .

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