To be annoyed with DH over this?

[HexagonalQueenOfEverything]

DH regularly 'forgets' to do things. Forgets to put the DCs to bed if I'm out. Forgets to put things away. He recently moved a couple of appliances and 'forgot' to re-connect one of them, hence then when I tried to use it the following day when he was at work, there was water everywhere and I had to re-connect it myself and clear up the mess. He is working away this week and bought a big bag of dog food the day before he went, forgot to get it out of his car, and I didn't realise until the evening after he'd gone, when I went to feed the dogs, there was no dog food, I phoned him to ask him where it was and yep he'd 'forgot'. So I had to get my youngest DC out of bed and drive to the nearest shop to get some.

I know everyone forgets things, but it does annoy me in a way that he thinks it's acceptable for him to forget things, but not for me to forget anything. He thinks the words 'I forgot' are acceptable no matter what the circumstances and should absolve him of any responsibility. The thing that annoys me too is if I ever forget anything, he gets in a bad mood with me and moans at me.

Like I said, he is away at the moment. I am in sole charge of our 3 DCs, so obviously doing everything around the house and caring for them. I work from home, normally 10 hours or so per week but this week we have been incredibly busy and I have worked over 40 hours, fitting it in around school times, nursery drop offs, the kids' social lives and basically working until 2am some nights. I also walk the dogs twice a day (which are technically DH's dogs as I didn't want dogs because of the work they entail but he got them anyway).

I am knackered. Not moaning about it but I just am. Anyway, yesterday I forgot to put our bin out for the refuse collectors. I normally remember but I worked until 2am on Wednesday night, slept through the alarm by mistake yesterday, and missed the rubbish collection. DH just phoned and I mentioned it and he started huffing and puffing and asking how it was possible for me to have forgotten it, etc.

I know it wasn't an ideal thing to do but as i said, we all make mistakes. Well DH does but apparently I'm not allowed to. To add, I normally remember everything that needs to be remembered in our household; his family's birthdays, dates of school events, school trips, what needs taking into school on which day, everything.

By forget you mean can't be arsed, right?

I bet he doesn't forget to do things he enjoys.

don't let him get away with it. You didn't "forget", you couldn't be bothered. Stop insulting my intelligence with your "I forgot" shit."

Or start 'forgetting' to cook his dinner, wash clothes or whatever you do that benefits him if you don't do those things (not assuming just because you are a woman that you do )

And he's got a bloody nerve having a go at you for forgetting something, hasn't he?

I hope you told him that it was more possible than forgetting to put your children to bed when they're right in front of you!

Don't let him get away with this crap.

Stop remembering his stuff. Just stop it. You are not his diary/PA/maid. Stop it! He's a grown man and he's taking the piss.

Yes I think you're right, Hec.

I think a little dometic duties strike is in order here...

YANBU. I would start 'forgetting' more things and see how he likes it.

You were knackered and you forgot. If he's still huffing about it when he gets back, present him with a long list of all the things that he has forgotten in the last fortnight that have impacted negatively on you and everyone else (including his dogs).

Some people are more forgetful. Sometimes there is a physical reason for this. But sometimes they are just so wrapped up in their own thoughts and life that everyone else pales into insignificance.

Is it really that he can't be arsed or does he need to go and see a GP? If it were my DH doing that much forgetting I would be seriously worried about him but you know your DH best.

How do you 'forget' to put your kids to bed???

You really need to put your foot down. He's clearly going to keep 'forgetting' things until there are consequences for him.

Hex I feel you pain...my DH is exactly the same.

I was out last night, came home at 10;20 to find DH and DS curled up on the sofa watching tv!!! When I do bedtime its snack, story, settle down but no, not DH. His idea of settling DS is to bring a quilt on the sofa and let him snuggle down on there!! Gets right on my tits I can tell you

And just to add insult to injury whenever I go out he always asks me what time should DS go to bed....erm, hello, same time as every other flippin night...and then he doesnt bother anyway.

AArghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..................and breathe!

A 'Don't you bloody well DARE get arsy with me Mr FORGETS HIS BLOODY HEAD IF IT WASN'T SCREWED ON!!!' is in order here. Awful double standards.

ha ha, I had a little moan to this effect earlier this week when I awoke to hear DS and DH discussing that they didn't know what DS should wear for the school walk. I do know because I read stuff that comes from school and absorb this detail because no one else does. It doesn't irritate me all the time, but when I am very busy it pisses me off a tad.

In conclusion I only remember household stuff and the DC stuff. If DH forgets mothers day or a birthday then it's really not my fault

oh and he would not hear the last of picking me up on forgetting something. In fact a serious talk would be in order

No he's always been that way, SandStorm. As Hec pointed out, he manages perfectly well to remember anything that is of benefit to him. For example if he's got a night out planned, then he remembers that. Or he remembers if there's something on tv he wants to watch.

To be fair he does have a busy job, and to an extent I don't mind being the 'rememberer' for dates and events, and the kids social lives. But what I do resent is getting a talking to like a naughty child for forgetting one thing. He knows I'm normally pretty on the ball and organised.

Can I just ask what your reaction to him is when he forgets stuff? Are you huffy? Just wondering if his reaction is a response to your previous (albeit far too often) reactions?

He is BU though...

why do women put up with this bullshit from their partners? He doesn't "forget", he just knows he doesn't have to do things because some other mug will do everything for him. Namely you. Stop.

It'd be shape up or ship out in my house. Not that it would happen in my house.

Everyone forgets things occasionally, but it sounds more like he can't be bothered to remember stuff because he thinks it's your job to take care of all that boring domestic stuff.

Sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk about sharing responsibilities and the double-standard he seems to be applying.

In the meantime, I agree you should stop doing/remembering the stuff that should be his responsibility. Why do you even know when his family's birthdays are? I don't have a clue about DH's.

give him arrning that you are no longer remembering his family birthdays/arrangements.

also, if he forgets to do something and you have to pick up his slack, you do not have time to do something else for him or are too tired foranything he might want to do.

if he forgets stuff, find a way to make him feel the consequences of that without hurting the dcs.

I try not to get huffy, Westcountry, but I do let him know I don't think some of his 'forgetful events' aren't acceptable and I spell out the consequences there are to me of him forgetting these things, such as when he didn't connect the appliance I said I was cross as I had enough to do that day and I had also hurt my back moving the appliance out to reconnect it all.

BettySwollocks, my DH would just leave the DCs running around until they fall asleep too, it infuriates me.

The thing is though, some things I can't just leave if he forgets to do them. Like the other night, there is no way I would/could have left the dogs unfed,and when he left the appliance unconnected, he was away for several days and I had no option but to sort it and clean up the flood.

But I agree, I need to stop remembering his family's birthdays and sorting out things like father's day presents for FIL.

He can also do one if he thinks he can give me a hard time tonight. I'll go out to my friend's house if he starts moaning and huffing. I wouldn't mind it so much if he said 'oh god what a pain, what will we do with the rubbish' but it was the huffing and puffing and just moaning at me about it without any regard or thought for why I'd forgotten to do it.

If he is huffy about you for not putting the bins out then happily agree that he can take over the job so it doesn't get forgotten again

tbh I would have to meet this head on even if it meant an argument. And hint of a huff or puff after work and that would be it. Burst the bubble

of course you can not not feed the dogs, or reconnect an appliance but, you now do not have time to do xy or z for him. oh and when you get back, your back is too sore from moving the appliance... perhaps that is why you couldn't put the bins out?

yes, and let him do the bins.

the consequences thing may take a while to take effect. h had a habit of not putting a bag in the bathroonm bin afteremptying it and put all his grotty tissues in without... got fed up of nagging... if he started the bin without a bag, I continued and refused to help him out with emptying it. not pleasant, especially for one week a month.... but he did get the message. "i assumed that you werre fine without a bag as you put your stuff in without a bag." was much moe effective than a year of nagging.

it was grinm though til he got the message.

thank you everyone for the replies and advice :)

redwhiteandblue, funnily enough my DH does the 'no liner in the bin' thing too, mainly because he is too damn idle to put one in. That's a good idea of just leaving it. I think I'll have to work on some consequences for when he forgets things. Maybe next time he forgets to put the kids to bed I'll go out the following day and leave him to deal with their ratty moods

YANBU my DP regularly forgets to do everything that isn't for his benefit today he for to get my DS washed and his teeth brushed but he didn't forget to do his own

PinkChampagne, my DH usually forgets to do our DS's teeth too, but like you say, he remembers to do his own. mind you, at weekends, he'll just sit there and sit there until either I get DS dressed or I say to him 'Are you going to get DS dressed'