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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have kept daughter from school?

35 replies

ParanoidAnnie · 06/07/2012 13:14

I've posted before bout my lovely DD who is now 8. I got loads of really useful advice.

She wasnt happy at school and had no one to call her friend . She was particularly being picked on by one particular child.

Well since I last posted, things got marginally better. The mother of this child was spoken to, but refused to believe she was in the wrong, citing 'girls will be girls' but promised to keep an eye on it. She said her DD was a natural leader and didn't want to stop her being herself.

I am sick going into the school to deal with this. I had regular meetings with the head who seemed to be trying to sort out. He made the right noises if you get what I mean. Things would get better for a while, then revert to norm. DD is normally quite happy and prefers to stay ur of this girls way. Fair enough, but she won't let DD play with anyone else. As a result the other girls rarely bother with DD.

Anyway, I'm rambling, so I will try and cut it short! Last night at bedtime DD had a complete meltdown. She was screaming, banging her head on the wall etc. she sais she didnt want to go to school any more, she was so afraid of this girl and was worried what would happen next. She was distraught. I couldnt console her. Totally heartbreaking. What happened was this: She said yesterday that this girl squeezed the top of her arm so bad she was crying, then wrenched her arm and shook it about so that her hand was waving all over. Just cos she wanted to play. DD told the dinner lady. She never passed this information on the teachers. I feel let down by the school as I was assured that all staff were aware of the situation and would report any incidents to the head. Later that day DD closed a door in this girls face. She was punished for this as the girl went straight to the teacher.

This has been going on most of this year and I have tried my best to be reasonable. I always smile and make chit chat with the mother, whilst inwardly seething.

So I kept her off. She was too scared to go to school. End of. I emailed the school to tell them why and gave a breakdown of events. I said it was a formal accusation of bullying.

I haven't heard a thing from them. I'm now really worried I've done the wrong thing.

Any advice/help would be appreciated. DD doesn't want to move school. I don't feel we should either as we have done nothing wrong.

Thanks if you got this far.

OP posts:

girlpancake · 06/07/2012 13:20

YANBU. You've followed their processes and they haven't followed through on what they said they would do. Now you are making it formal. It's not like you've burst into the head's office kicking and shouting.

Summerblaze · 06/07/2012 13:25

YANB at all U and I wouldn't send her back until the school had dealt with it. My dd (8) was bullied by a girl earlier this year. The school dealt with it and it is all sorted now so it can be done. Seems your dd's school can't be bothered to do anything about it.

LimeLeafLizard · 06/07/2012 13:29

YANBU at all. It is difficult to be sure of what is really going on when you aren't there to see it for yourself, but then that is why the school should be dealing with it more effectively.

Does your DD have friends out of school that she can play with, to give her some confidence away from the 'bully'?

Are you in a position to be able to invite one or two of the other girls in the class to play after school, so she has a chance to get to know them better without the other girl trying to prevent them?

bacere · 06/07/2012 13:31

YADNBU. So sorry but one word of warning, don't admit to this being the reason for keeping your dd off school. As totally unreasonable as it sounds, they could decide to use it against you, you and your dd being the easier target than tackling the bad behaviour. Do press on with getting it sorted once and for all, but at the same time can you look elsewhere? If you look at other schools they are obliged to tell each other ( as I understand it) and then the school may feel that if you move your dd it will have to show up on their stats as a reason and will not let them look good. (When are they due an ofsted inspection?}

ddubsgirl · 06/07/2012 13:33

i had to do this with ds1 in yr 8 due to being bullied and ended up with him being punched to the floor head stamped on and kicked in the back,school didnt call me to tell me i called my ds1 at lunchtime about something to find he was sat outside the office on his own no-one keeping an eye on him,they finally let him home but sent him on the bus with a head injury,he never went back,he was off school 3 months till we got him into a new school.

PackItInNow · 06/07/2012 14:17

Would it help to email the school and tell them that if this bullying isn't sorted quickly and efficiently, you'll involve the police? If this doesn't shift them, then you could formally get in touch with the LEA, explain the situation and why you're going to get the police involved.

This should get it sorted soon enough, but if this still doesn't do the trick, the only other option is to move your DD to another school and explain why.

fortifiedwithtea · 06/07/2012 14:35

As your DD arm was squeezed until she cried. I'ld have looked for bruising and photographed the evidence.

I can understand you wanting to protect DD and keeping her off school, but I don't think you've done her any favours. Now she might worry over the weekend over seeing this girl again.

Send her back to school monday and see the Head.

Original poster

ParanoidAnnie · 06/07/2012 15:05

bacare why would it get me in trouble? I thought once and for all it would make the school sit up and take notice.

I've had a reply from them now. They are taking it seriously and will formally bring the parents in. I hate confrontation so this scares the life out of me. I have to be strong for DD.

fortified she had bruising before from a similar incident with the same girl. The teachers and the Head were aware of this at the time. Didn't make a blind bit of difference. It was referred to as an isolated incident.

packitinnow my good friend who is a high school teacher mentioned the same thing about informing the police. I don't want too, but if it isn't sorted I will certainly consider it.

Thanks to those who say I'm not BU. ddubsgirl hope your DS is ok now.

OP posts:

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 06/07/2012 15:17

YANBU.

So sorry about your DD.

I hope the school takes some action.

holyfishnets · 06/07/2012 16:05

You are doing the right thing for you child and getting the school to see the seriousness of the situation. Well done!

holyfishnets · 06/07/2012 16:10

fortifiedwithtea - Its actually fine to trust a child's word unless they have a history of lying!

I would also try arranging play dates with girls you DD likes - and keep arranging the play dates. Help her develop new relationships. Ensure she is not sitting with the bully at school and tell the school that you don't want them playing together in the playground either. Get them to tell the mother and both girls they are to stay away from each other.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 06/07/2012 16:10

Annie does she have bruising from yesterday on the top of her arm. If so take photographs, it makes it harder for people to minimise what has happened if you have evidence.

I am so sorry your DD is going through this and I don't blame you one bit for keeping her off school under the circumstances.

cocolepew · 06/07/2012 16:15

Youre doing the right thing. Other girls are probably scared to play with your DD.

Dont smile and make chit chat with the mum. Just ignore her.

Dont think of it as confrontation think of it standing up for your poor DD.

I hope it gets sorted.

hectorthestandbyhawk · 06/07/2012 16:22

Then move schools because the other little girl won't be going anywhere.

Mrbojangles1 · 06/07/2012 16:22

My child was being bullied at primary school

I would let them know in wirteing that if the matter is not resloved with in ten working days

You will take the following action

First a copy of all corrsopndents with the school on this matter will be sent to OFSTED with a coveing letter from you

Then a the lack of follow trough of their anti bullying policy will be sent to the DEP of education
With a personal letter to MR Gov out lineing the school failures

Also a letter and phone call to the LEA

I done this the matter was resolved in ten days after 2 years of trying to get the school to take things on board.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 06/07/2012 16:28

ParanoidAnnie if you can document every incident dates/times/people involved, photographs. That way the school can't say it was an isolated incident.

It might be worth asking the school if you can have a copy of their records of incidents.

Original poster

ParanoidAnnie · 06/07/2012 17:07

Thanks for all your advice. I have a meeting with the school next week. I will take all points on board.

I am not taking this any longer. I feel strong and ready to fight for my DD. I don't want this for another 3 years at primary. It has to stop.

I believe my DD totally. She has no history of lying or making things up. She has also given me names of the girls who witnessed the most recent incident.

Moving schools is so not on the radar. I have another DD (younger) there and she is really settled. I have considered all the pros and cons of this, and it wouldn't work for various reasons. anyway, why should we endure all the upset this would cause when we haven't done anything wrong?

I won't speak to the mother again, unless it is in a formal setting. She is nice enough, but the situation is untenable.

mrbojangles1 what did the school o to sort the matter in 10 days, that they werent able to do in 2 years?

OP posts:

Original poster

ParanoidAnnie · 06/07/2012 17:09

itsallgoingtobefine I have records of all the incidents, and I've kept notes of every meeting we have had.

There is no bruising on her arm this time.

OP posts:

ddubsgirl · 06/07/2012 17:10

hes fine thank you PA we moved schools and its much better he is yr 10 now

Mrbojangles1 · 06/07/2012 17:17

They were basically saying bullying dose not happen on their school

They were refusing to punish the bullys even though one incident included 2 boys trying to push him off a barge into the water on a school trip

And them following him home from school saying if he told they would kill him and throw his body in the woods
Oh also the making and photo copying of a song they made up about him and passing it round so every one knew the words

Oh he also didnt go on the year 6 leavers trip as he did not belive the teachers would keep him safe

Once i threanted to get the relevant bodies involved the boys were punished Nd parents were pulled in with in the ten days amazing really

Mrbojangles1 · 06/07/2012 17:20

Please get this sorted i let them phob me off for 2 years for which i will feel ever guilty for dont let it end up like my childs situation

2 bloody years of going up and down the school appoitments with the head the class teacher ect put your foot down now

doggiemumma · 06/07/2012 17:26

You poor thing, no advice really, just so glad you are making a stand for your DD. Make it crystal clear to the school that if this is not dealt with appropriately you will take it to both the governers and to ofsted.

Frontpaw · 06/07/2012 17:30

Good for you, standing up for her! How much of the term is left, and what will you do in Monday?

Be firm, don't let them try to soft soap you ('natural leader' is bully im my book), or get you to back down. Let your daughter know what you are doing - you aren't telling tales, you are doing what is right, as this girl has no right to do this to her.

Plus, the other girl will hopefully get her behaviour and attitudes recalibrated, which can only be a good thing for her too.

50ShadesOfSaggy · 06/07/2012 17:31

Teacher, head teacher, governors, LEA. Start at the beginning, following every conversation up with a letter outlining the issues, what was discussed and asking what will be done next. If you write to the head, he has to reply in writing. Keep on through the list until you get somewhere.

Original poster

ParanoidAnnie · 06/07/2012 17:43

mrsbojangles how sad and terrible for your DS. you wonder what the parents are like when their children can do and say such horrible and nasty things. Good for you for finally sorting it out. I've been gong back and forth for 1 year, so admire your tenacity for keeping going. I don't know but last night something snapped in me. I just thought, I can't go through all the same things again. Meetings, follow ups, lip service that everything is going well. It has to stop.

50shades 2 weeks left. Can't wait for the break to be honest. Not sure about Monday. I'm sure if DD feels more confident I will send her in.

We've had a long chat and she says she feels better that it is being dealt with and this girl can't bully her any more.

For those that ask we have done the tea invites etc. They always go really well. DD plays well with other children. We have also had the girl in question for tea with others. It didnt work in smoothing things over.

Thanks to everyone else for their kind words.

OP posts:

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