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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my dd is too trusting of her bf?

46 replies

kaylasmum · 06/07/2012 12:18

i don't know if i'm just overly suspicious or if my 27 yo dd is just far too trusting.

I don't particularly like my dd's bf, he does'nt treat her properly and she quite regularly comes to me upset over things he's done or said. She says she loves him and can't be without him.

Today she told me that he'd been out in a nightclub and he bumped into a female aquaintance, she was upset as she'd split with her bf 2 weeks previously. She went back to his where they had more to drink and she said she was going to go to sleep, in his bed!

today the girls ex phoned my dd's bf and started shouting at him saying that she had told that his ex had told him that she woke up and found my dd's bf on top of her.

He denies it, he admitted that they were drinking together and that she gave him some cocaine but that was all. My dd believes him but is really angry at the girl involved, calling her a slag.

Maybe its just me but i would be really angry if my partner did this. So aibu or is my dd in denial?

OP posts:

bacere · 06/07/2012 12:23

DD too trusting.

cheekybarsteward · 06/07/2012 12:26

On a side note I think your DD needs to be told that the other girl is not a slag, she is not the one in a relationship.

squoosh · 06/07/2012 12:27

She needs to cut him loose.

Sallyingforth · 06/07/2012 12:31

"I don't particularly like my dd's bf"
From what you say I don't either.

"my 27 yo dd is just far too trusting"
If he can't be trusted, he shouldn't be her BF. She's old enough to have more sense. But there's nothing you can do, except be there for her when he lets her down.

thebody · 06/07/2012 12:37

My total sympathys as I bet you would dearly love to punch him, I know I would if my dd, but she isn't married to him so hopefully she will see him for what he is soon.

Birdsgottafly · 06/07/2012 12:38

Sounds as though the OW went back to his to do drugs and carry on drinking, in possibly what she thought was a safe environment.

The ex is accusing him of attempted sexual assault and your DD's response is to call her a slag?

Sounds similar to most rape/sexual assault cases, tbh.

The OW could not go to the police because of the drugs.

You are right to be concerned.

ENormaSnob · 06/07/2012 12:39

She needs to get rid.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/07/2012 12:41

The whole episode sounds really sordid. I'm disturbed that this woman's allegations of rape are being dismissed so casually in favour of a man who sounds frankly quite nasty.

I'm also concerned about the underlying dynamic of 'he upsets her...she says she loves him and can't be without him'. That sounds like a recipe for all kinds of cruelty on his part, and heartbreak on hers. It must be really frustrating for you, OP, that your DD seems so blind to it.

ZZZenAgain · 06/07/2012 12:43

alcohol, cocaine (hello!) and sleeping in the same bed. We all know the effect of cocaine.

I think your dd is not seeing this straight

AmberLeaf · 06/07/2012 12:43

She's too trusting.

Sounds like her bf had a night of sex drugs and booze with this other woman.

OTheHugeManatee · 06/07/2012 12:45

"Yes darling, I spent the night dancing and drinking with my vulnerable and recently single ex-girlfriend, before we went back to mine for some cocaine and more drinking. Then she went to sleep in my bed. But the bit where she claims we had sex is total bullshit, I only love you, you believe me right?"

ZZZenAgain · 06/07/2012 12:46

I think it was not his ex-gf but a girl he knows (not that it changes the rest of your post)

Dahlen · 06/07/2012 12:51

Definitely sounds like your DD is too trusting. TBH I think she needs a new BF and a new circle of friends generally. Mixing drink and drugs is dangerous to her health, illegal, and could put her in some extremely compromising situations. It will cloud her judgment and make her even more vulnerable to her BF if he is indeed a manipulative potential abuser.

I think it's time for an in-depth chat about the dynamics of abusive relationships and the dangers of drugs (especially when mixed with alcohol, which is particularly bad when it comes to cocaine). Or point her in the direction of various websites.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/07/2012 12:55

Too trusting? No, she is going WAY beyond trusting. She is deluding herself. Does she have self-esteem issues, because there has to be a reason she would believe this bullshit, and its credibility is obviously not the reason because it just isn't credible.

And I think that your daughter needs to have a serious rethink about her attitude, calling this other woman a slag. As others have already pointed out, this woman probably felt (wrongly) 'safe' with him and he betrayed that trust. Being a victim of a sexual assault does not make anyone a slag. Your daughter is stepping onto a slippery slope with this bloke.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 08/07/2012 12:34

thanks for all the replies.

My dd has decided to believe her bf and is going to stay with him! The girl involved has said its all been a misunderstanding. I'm not convinced. At the very least he should'nt have taken a girl back to his house for drink and drugs.

I feel so bad for my dd, she has no confidence in herself and she's rarely happy. I just can't make her sense.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 08/07/2012 12:43

hmmmm.... there are two possible scenarios to me here.. neither of which put the bf in a good light at all..

it is a possibility that she woke up and he was assaulting her

it could also be that the ex heard she had gone back to his place, possibly heard that more than a bit of drink and coke snorting went on, and she is now trying damage limitation by saying that she woke up to find him on top of her..

it is wrong to automatically assume that the bf assaulted this woman..

no matter which happened though, the bf sounds like a twat who is treating his gf like shit, and OP, your daughter is in denial.. she is 27, she needs to bloody wise up a bit.

Lonelylou · 08/07/2012 12:44

Try looking on the internet at domestic abuse charity websites and you may find something about relationships and wether they're loving and supportive or controlling and damaging. Print the info off and give it to her...and then let her decide in her own time. The more you go against him the more she may spend energy defending him rather than looking at the bigger picture.

I wouldn't want my daughter with any coke head.

ilovesooty · 08/07/2012 12:55

Agree with squeakytoy

None of this puts the BF in a good light but at 27 your daughter is old enough to know better. Why is she involved with someone taking Class A drugs? She needs to grow up and she shouldn't need you to help her do it.

AltruisticEnigma · 08/07/2012 13:05

She seems too trusting.

Even if the boyfriends ex has retracted that (how can someone being ontop of you be a misunderstanding - he either was or he wasn't) he was still doing drugs (illegal drugs not good, not judging anyone though) and brought another woman back to his place when he's with your daughter.

What does he usually do to upset her?

My thoughts is that he went to this club and met with his ex. She was upset, he saw an opportunity as she was vulnerable and he ended up taking her back to his to do some drugs. They probably both got horny and had sex with eachother and she doesn't remember it properly OR she does remember it and then your daughters bf tells her that he's in a relationship, as he doesn't tell her the night before, so she retracts it so that your daughter wont be upset.

That's a guess, but obviously it's speculation. :)

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 08/07/2012 13:15

She is far too trusting.

Such a shame she chooses to call another woman a slag because the possibility that her p is a git is too hard to face.

Best-case scenario isn't great. Worst case is he's a rapist

Original poster

kaylasmum · 08/07/2012 13:26

hi the girl involved is not my dd's bf ex, she is an ex of their friend. Seemingly she was the one who had the coke and asked to go back to his flat. As far as i know he's not a regular coke user but does smoke a lot of weed.

My dd has borderline personality disorder, all her relationships have been with arrogant selfish men. My dd's bf treats her like dirt in my opinion. One minute he's attentive and loving the next he's ignoring her calls and texts. I feel so helpless and sad for her. She has a little boy who i think suffers because of his mums relationship, when her bf is ignoring her she gets distracted and depressed and her ds gets the brunt of it.

The thing is she knows she's not being treated well but she says she can't be without him.

OP posts:

ShellyBoobs · 08/07/2012 13:45

So he's abusive to your DD and uses hard drugs and you're wondering if you're being unreasonable because you 'don't particularly like him'?

What would he have to do for you to really not like him?

I know we all support our DCs (whatever their age) but I couldn't do anything but tell your DD EXACTLY what I thought of her BF if she was talking to me about these things.

squeakytoy · 08/07/2012 13:50

does your daughter smoke weed too?

Original poster

kaylasmum · 08/07/2012 14:02

shellyboobs - i was'nt asking if ibu for not liking my dd's bf, i was asking if iabu for thinking my dd is too trusting of him. And i actually cannot stand him and i've nade no secret of this to my dd. I find him completely obnoxious. I've tried countless times to make her see sense but she's an adult and has to make her own choices in life. It breaks my heart to see my beautiful intelligent dd being treated in this way.

Nothing would make happier than to see her away from this man. They have split on a number of occasions and each time she's been in the depths of despair, almost suicidal and struggles to look after her little boy when she's like this. I don't know how she'd cope if they split for good.

OP posts:

Original poster

kaylasmum · 08/07/2012 14:05

hi squeaky toy, yeah my dd does smoke weed now and again.

OP posts:

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