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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my dd is too trusting of her bf?

46 replies

kaylasmum · 06/07/2012 12:18

i don't know if i'm just overly suspicious or if my 27 yo dd is just far too trusting.

I don't particularly like my dd's bf, he does'nt treat her properly and she quite regularly comes to me upset over things he's done or said. She says she loves him and can't be without him.

Today she told me that he'd been out in a nightclub and he bumped into a female aquaintance, she was upset as she'd split with her bf 2 weeks previously. She went back to his where they had more to drink and she said she was going to go to sleep, in his bed!

today the girls ex phoned my dd's bf and started shouting at him saying that she had told that his ex had told him that she woke up and found my dd's bf on top of her.

He denies it, he admitted that they were drinking together and that she gave him some cocaine but that was all. My dd believes him but is really angry at the girl involved, calling her a slag.

Maybe its just me but i would be really angry if my partner did this. So aibu or is my dd in denial?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 08/07/2012 14:08

Is she aware that smoking weed is going to add to her psychological problems too? :(

I suspect if they split for good she would cope after she gives herself a bit of time to realise she doesnt need him.

I feel very sorry for the poor child that is caught up in this mess of a relationship. :(

bakingaddict · 08/07/2012 14:15

I think the child caught in the middle of all this hectic and chaotic lifestyle of your DD needs to be the priority.

Sorry if I sound judgemental but it really angers me when women put their relationships above their children

Original poster

kaylasmum · 08/07/2012 14:19

yes she knows very well about the effects of weed on her mental health. I'm also concerned about my dgs and the effects on him. What can i do?

OP posts:

AltruisticEnigma · 08/07/2012 15:47

Get them on Jeremy Kyle, he sounds the type who needs it...

But otherwise keep an eye out on your DGS. Look after him if you can when she is not able to. Ultimately if she is in such a bad state, she shouldn't have him with her. I know it sounds harsh but he's a baby and if she's crying, suicidal or running after him his needs aren't being met.

I hope things get better. The weed definately wont help with her condition... I wonder why she still takes it even though she knows this?

lovebunny · 08/07/2012 17:06

tell her lovebunny says leave the bastard. she's 27. youth is nearly over. she needs to give herself chance to find a nice-ish man. one who doesn't take girls home to sleep in his bed.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 08/07/2012 17:20

i actually had my dgs in my care 2 years ago, he was with me for over a year. My dd was receiving help for her illness and eventually it was decided by social work and the childrens panel that he could return home. She has been coping pretty well but when things go bad with her bf she definately struggles.

I'd like to tell her bf what i think of him but my dd would most likely stop speaking to me if i did. I am very concious of the effect this will be having on her ds as he already has behavioural issues.
Not long after she started going out with him i heard that he was on the sex offenders list for having sexual contact with a 15 yo when he was 23. According to him it was mutual. When i heard this i was so angry, i had a huge arguement with my dd and told her i did'nt want him near me or my family (i have 2 kids aged 8 and 5. I made it clear that i was'nt happy for him to be around my dgs.

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 08/07/2012 17:24

Not long after she started going out with him i heard that he was on the sex offenders list for having sexual contact with a 15 yo when he was 23.

Are SS aware of this? Only I'd be amazed if they felt that his presence was acceptable given that your dd has a child herself. It doesn't matter whether this sexual contact was "mutual". Decent men of 23 would not be interested in having sex with a 15 year old.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 08/07/2012 17:54

yes ss know about his past, at to my amazement did'nt deem him a risk to my dgs.

Totally tired of this whole thing. I just need to keep an eye on my dgs and make sure that his wellbeing is first and foremost on my dd's mind.

OP posts:

AltruisticEnigma · 08/07/2012 18:37

I hate it when someone gets wrapped up so much on a love interest that they actually seem to care about them more than their kids. It actually infuriates me and makes me very angry. I don't mean to be nasty to your daughter or anything as I know she has her own problems, but her son should be her first priority and if he isn't, it's a very big worry of mine and I am sure of yours too as you sound like you are a very supportive grandmother and mother.

I think her boyfriend is my ex :o well, pretty much the same applies although he didn't get actually prosecuted for anything he had sex with a 15 year old when he was 23 and also in the past had done stuff and we aren't quite sure of what (because when I did ask it went from he had sex with her when he was being open and emotional, he raped her when he wanted to scare me and nothing happened normally) with a girl with SN when he was about 17 and she was about 13.

I hope she manages to realise what this guy is like before it's too late as he really doesn't sound like a good man at all. He wouldn't put her through this if he really loved her, too. What is her excuses for him, anyway?

squeakytoy · 08/07/2012 18:57

"yes ss know about his past, at to my amazement did'nt deem him a risk to my dgs"

And why on earth should he be a risk to your grandSON, unless he was a gay paedophile.

I was seeing someone in their early 20's when I was in my mid teens, and it was certainly mutual. I looked much older than 15 and knew exactly what I was doing, regardless of it being "illegal".

I dont think the bf is the problem here OP, the problem is your daughter unfortunately. She is 27 though, not 17 and needs to do a lot of growing up and realise that she has a child who deserves much better than this. If this bloke wasnt on the scene, there would be someone else. Pointless blaming him, she is a mother and ought to be putting her child first.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 09/07/2012 12:03

squeakytoy - i was amazed that ss were unconcerned that this man was on the sex offenders register. You say that you don't think the bf is the problem, of course he is. He's a total arsehole and treats my dd like shit. Yes my dd needs to take control but its hard for her especially with her mental health problems.

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lastnerve · 09/07/2012 12:09

Yes I think she is definitely is too trusting, why does she put up with this?

does she have low confidence, thinking she couldn't get any one else?

I am also smelling something fishy with the EX girlfriend that was a very orchestrated phone call, in front of your DD, if you woke up to someone assaulting you you would deal with it there and then, why would she have left it and then decided to ring just when your DD was there.

Not in a nasty way but does she have learning difficulties? I'm surprised a 27 year old would be naiive enough to buy that, I really hope she wakes up and kicks him into touch. for her and her son.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 09/07/2012 12:41

no she does'nt have learning difficulties, but she does have bpd which can make her every day life difficult. She's afraid of being on her own and she insists that she loves him.

OP posts:

lastnerve · 09/07/2012 12:44

Oh its hard then ,

have you tried the questioning route?

like 'Do you think its okay for him to treat you like that?'

Do you really believe that?

She will most likely get defensive but it make start turning the cogs.

Birdsgottafly · 09/07/2012 13:05

If she is scared of being on her own, then the 'problem' is her and not him.

The danger is that she will just move onto another abusive relationship, because abusive men seek out vulnerable women.

I would personally focus on your GS with a possible view of homing him again, if needs be.

She needs help, but if she is unwilling to get that then your hands are tied, towards her.

Showmethemhappyfeet · 09/07/2012 13:32

I really think you need to get your GS out of there ASAP if she can't cope with him. Before it gets any worse. Your DD is a grown Woman and of she won't accept your help there is t much you can do, but someone needs to help the poor kid stuck in the middle of it all.
Your DDs bf sounds like a complete dick btw, I hope she sees it for herself soon and can work on gettin herself sorted,

Original poster

kaylasmum · 09/07/2012 13:44

the thing is she does know that he's treating her badly although she makes excuses for him and insissts that he really loves her. i want her to be strong and independent.

Yeah part of the problem is my dd's lack of confidence but if he really loves her why can't he treat her well? He's loud, self opinionated and very rarelt takes a shower, he also deals weed.

As far as taking my dgs in again, i'm really not sure if i can, he has behavioural issues and my 8 and 5 yo dcs find it really hard to cope with. I have to put them first. Also i suffer from mental heaalth problems too and am currently recovering from a particularly severe episode of anxiety and depression. I also have another dd who is 21 and is having problems with her bf who is an alcoholic, she has a 1 yo dd so i'm kinda getting pulled in all directions. I'm doing my best to help them all, not to mention my 26 yo ds who also has bpd and is a self harmer.

OP posts:

fridakahlo · 09/07/2012 13:50

If your dd is in this kind of relationship then her BPD has not been dealt with properly. She needs to be made aware that it is the BPD causing her to cling onto this arsehole and she needs therapy to improve her self esteem and expectation of relationships.
As for your GS, could you try and take him most weekends? Any sort of pattern of stability in his life will help.

Original poster

kaylasmum · 09/07/2012 14:02

hi, i take my dgs occassionally, his df takes him most weekends and his dgf has him at times too. no therapy is going to make her end this relationship, her previous mental health nurse told her that her bf is treating her badly but that makes no difference to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

kaylasmum · 09/07/2012 14:07

for the most part my dd is a really good mum and does put her ds first but when she's depressed its hard for her.

OP posts:

Showmethemhappyfeet · 09/07/2012 14:59

Sounds like an absolute nightmare for you OP. you ofc have to put your little ones and your own mental health first otherwise you'll be no use to any of them. I really hope your DD realises what's happening soon.

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