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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MN Jury - your thoughts please.

32 replies

Vagaceratops · 06/07/2012 11:51

I genuinely dont know if IABU so you can help me decide.

I am a SAHM and carer to DS2. About 2 months ago his teacher approached me and told me that they were going on a school trip and that if DS2 wanted to go I would need to come along as his 1-2-1 for the day would be needed to help other children to work the ratio's out. I said I would speak to DH as someone would need to pick DD up. The school trip is this Monday.

DH said that was fine (he was SE and can be flexible).

In the mean time DH has got himself a new job. His start date was the 1st August so everything was still okay for the school trip.

He came home last night and tells me that he has bought forward the start date to his new job and he starts today. His exact words were 'I wont be able to pick DD up, sorry'.

So now I have had to run around to try and find someone to take DD to preschool and pick her up. The reason I am cross is that I fee like its his problem too, not just something he can pass back to me. When I said 'what are we going to do he said. 'Its not my problem, its yours'

Now I know that his job comes first, thats fine. But I feel like on that day I am already 'working'.

OP posts:
MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 06/07/2012 11:52

I feel that is DS2 needs 1:2:1 for the school trip then school should be providing it, TBH.

zeno · 06/07/2012 11:53

Not helpful of him to say it's your problem not his. Perhaps address that issue?

Meanwhile, if you can get someone else to take and pick up dd then job done.

squeakytoy · 06/07/2012 11:54

How old is DD? Can you arrange for her to go to a friends house after school?

AKMD · 06/07/2012 11:55

YANBU, what an appalling attitude from both your DH and the school. Surely if your DS has 1-2-1 at school then they are still being paid to look after him on trips?

DawnOfTheDee · 06/07/2012 11:55

It is absolutely his problem! He either needs to explain to his new job that he has childcare responsibilities that day so needs to leave early (new jobs tend to honour existing holidays, etc) or if that's not possible he needs to find someone else. He could ask you to help him do this but it is definitely NOT your sole responsibility. It's his DD ffs...

YANBU!

McHappyPants2012 · 06/07/2012 11:55

is the 1-2-1 funded for him, if so then his 1-2-1 should be with him on the trip

Cathycomehome · 06/07/2012 11:55

I think that if the 1-1 is your son's usual 1-1 support and is employed to be so, and this is provided for in his statement, then they cannot use him/her as a general TA/ helper as he/she should be working with your son. So they will have to find another helper to go so your son has the support he's entitled to. I think, anyway.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/07/2012 11:55

I agree with Moaning - I dont think the school should be saying you need to go on the trip as his 1-2-1 - they should be providing that for him.

DawnOfTheDee · 06/07/2012 11:56

Maybe the school would've arranged something had OP not been able to come along. It's fairly standard to ask parents to help on school trips isn't it?

MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 06/07/2012 11:57

Aside from school providing DS2 with help, DH was booked to do something and he is now unavailable - he needs to get someone else to do it really.

You say 'be brought forward the start date' - did they ask him to start earlier or did he offer?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 06/07/2012 11:58

'It's not my problem, it's yours' He actually said that and is still standing?? WTAF? Are they not his children? Had he not already made a commitment to them/you? Wanker.

As for the school, is the 1-2-1 not your sons 1-2-1? Are they actually allowed to just use them as they see fit??

ciderpenguin · 06/07/2012 11:58

His kids his problem too.

But in the meantime hope you find someone to help out

TiaMariaandDietCoke · 06/07/2012 11:59

I'd be very Shock at your Dh's comment.

Does you DS get 1:1 as part of a SEN statement? if so, the school should be sorting out the extra cover, not expecting you to do it - SEN support staff are NOT there to make up adult:pupil ratios on school trips, particularly if they plan to use that person when your DS isn't even going (ie if you couldn't make to to cover as they asked)

Original poster
Vagaceratops · 06/07/2012 11:59

DD is 3.

The 1-2-1 is funded for him, however the school explained that because there have only been 2 parents who have volunteered to help on the trip that his TA would be needed otherwise the ratio's wouldnt work and no-one would get to go. I am fine with this as I understand how difficult it can be.

I have managed to find someone to drop her off, but I cant find anyone to pick her up yet and I am struggling, but I will do it. I am just annoyed that DH has decided its not his problem.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 06/07/2012 12:00

If he said those words to you he needs a punch in the face

I would tell him it is his problem and that he better sort it sharpish.

Anyway, YANBU.

TiaMariaandDietCoke · 06/07/2012 12:00

lots of x posts Blush - teach me to take so long to type! Grin

DawnOfTheDee · 06/07/2012 12:02

Maybe show him this thread....seems pretty unanimous that it is his 'problem'. Definitely tell him to speak to his work about it....have they said he can't go early/have the afternoon off or has he not asked...?

Original poster
Vagaceratops · 06/07/2012 12:05

Well I did ask him why when they rang him to move his date forward did he not say that that was fine but he needed to leave at 3 for a pre-arranged appointment.

He said he didnt even think it would be a problem Angry

OP posts:
MoaningMinnieWhingesAgain · 06/07/2012 12:05

I think your son is being discriminated against really. If you don't volunteer as a helper, he doesn't get to go?

Not really volunteering then, is it? More like blackmail IMHO.

If you weren't free to help on Monday what would happen? Do they leave him behind? They would still have DS plus his 1:2:1 support at school, and still have the same number of helpers on the trip.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 06/07/2012 12:06

It's fairly standard to ask parents to help on school trips isn't it? - Not if they are saying that your DC cant go on the trip if you dont go.........I would say that is pretty unusual TBH!

Sallyingforth · 06/07/2012 12:07

This is selfish behaviour by your H.
He should have taken account of his commitment when he rearranged his work. Now he has created a problem for himself that he will have to sort out.

RackandRuin · 06/07/2012 12:08

I think your DH is being an arse. He could easily say 'great i'll start when ever you want, but I need to have this afternoon off'. His new employers wouldn't mind that.

Could you explain the problem to the school and get than to ask another parent to help out?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 06/07/2012 12:11

Well, it's not a problem.... for him, he just says 'wifey, no can do, your problem' and walks away from it. Git. Is he usually this much of a tosser?

I assume the nursery can't keep her any later? Can any of the staff take her for a couple of hours?

wisecamel · 06/07/2012 12:13

Hang on - you are arguing with each other over an entirely different problem (Dh's attitude to his responsibilities as a father ) when what you need to do is stand together and tell the school that you will not, whatever the circumstances allow them to discriminate against your son. No-one else has been leant on to attend with their child 'for the sake of the others' I assume?

Your son has 1-2-1 because that is what is necessary to enable him to fully participate. Hopefully he has built relationships with his assistants that allow him to communicate and join in at school. They are NOT just floating helpers to make up the numbers. If you went on the trip - would he still be having 1-2-1 with his assistant, or would you be assisting him?

I think that your school are trying it on. If there aren't enough volunteers, they need to send a letter out asking for anyone who can to volunteer otherwise the trip cannot go ahead. It's not your individual problem just because your son has SEN.

IME 1-2-1 support is hard won and this is a very slippery slope.

RackandRuin · 06/07/2012 12:15

I also think that the school is out of order here. Are you expected to attend every school trip?